Pressing On......

THE JOYS OF TODDLERHOOD

2010-02-16T22:35:00.002-05:00

i have been enjoying lydia and ben so much lately. they are best buds and partners in crime. today i was walking around the corner and all of the sudden the 2 of them drop something and run....literally running in opposite directions. what did they drop? a 1/2 eaten bag of miniature marshmellows!! once found....they were sticky from their noses to their fingertips!!

i listen to them play upstairs in their rooms together. they like going up there and then closing themselves into the room they chose. that is when i love going and standing outside the door just listening......
B: 'leah.....mere'
L: 'nope'
B: 'leah......MERE!!'
L: lets out a huge sigh and walks over
B: few seconds later blood curdling scream
mom opens door to find lydia with a wad of red hair in her fingers and ben crying 'leah....hair.....ow!!!' too funny!!! well.....maybe not for ben, but needless to say it was funny!

went outside with them this morning. watched as they experienced the snow.....immediately they both started eating the snow. by the time we went in their cheeks were so red! at one point ben had fallen down and couldn't get back up because of his snow pants and being in the snow....lydia came to his rescue and helped him up. love to watch them together! i just pray that they will continue to be best of friends....and maybe not as much partners in crime!! :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BEN!

2010-02-04T18:59:00.010-05:00

two years....it's been two years that God has blessed us with benjamin seth. how can it be? how can it be two years since we held him for the first time? today is so bittersweet for me. yes, ben finally came into our lives....but it just magnified the hole that is seth's spot in our family. always realizing that ben and lydia will never meet their older brother this side of the vale. why can't i just be joyous and happy for our dear sweet surprise? ugh!!! i hate what grief does to a person!!! why is it so much work? why can't it be "easier"? why can't my hole be filled? i guess it will be when Jesus returns....but some days that seems so far away.

the other day ben was doing his ritual of asking "andoo?"...."he's at school"....."leah?"...."lydia's at school"......."uke?"....."he's at school"....."abby?".....she's at school...."cece?"..."grace is at school"...."kaba?".....caleb's at school....."daddy?".....daddy's at work (it usually takes a few minutes!!). but that day he ended with "fesh?" (his 'seth').....my heart SOARED!! he included seth right along with the others!! "setb is in Heaven" then we ask him who does seth live with? we get him to say Jesus and then "when will you see seth again?...........he says "sunday" for someday. someday ben-ben.....you're right.....someday we all will see him again....i LONG for that day!

ben found seth's hat one day and i found him like this....absolute joy.

'JUST FOR ME' TIME

2009-12-06T22:00:00.003-05:00

oooh boy....i've been very delinquent here haven't i? why don't i just MAKE the time for me and sit down to type? i love it when i do it....so why don't i do it more often? so it's nights like these - when everyone is all tucked into bed (including my dear man! :)) when i allow myself the time to sit and think....sometimes that gets me into some BIG trouble....and other times - it's just a very nice quiet peaceful time.

thanksgiving went well...over at mom and dad's in allendale then onto my brother's family's house that night. i'm so glad that they don't mind talking about seth. i've always loved talking about him. i do realize though how awkward some people feel....maybe that's what a part of starlight ministries is suppose to do - educate people about what grieving children and families need. one of those needs is to talk about the loved one who died....say their name.....bring them up in conversations.....tell us the memories they have of them....help us to keep them alive. i'm not sure....it's just another one of my thoughts.

last week we had our first prayer walk for starlight. what a night! i was incredibly nervous/excited about the night....and it was all i could have dreamt for.
we had 3 groups of people praying in each of the rooms that we'll be using at church. praying for the children, their families, the facilitators, the volunteers, greg and i....it was amazing to see this ministry be 'baptized' as greg put it. i'm so anxious to start in january! i can't even imagine the emotions that will be going through me that first night....all i know is that i want it everything that God wants it to be....that's my biggest prayer.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY

2009-11-10T23:42:00.003-05:00

so...it's a week later...and God has been faithful once again. why do i even question that...His faithfulness? i don't know if i actually question it, or if i'm just surprised when i see/experience it once again. He IS faithful...one of the many, many lessons i've learned more in these past 2 years. He wants to restore my soul in this valley of death...and restore it He has - daily....hourly.....sometimes by each moment.

i can't believe it's been 2 years already....it seems like last month. so many flashbacks....so many painful yet precious memories. family and friends coming together to support greg and i....to bring love around us. so many difficult decisions made...and yet God was everywhere. some have asked us in these last 2 years - where was God? i'm so glad to say - EVERYWHERE! He not only knew what was going to happen that day...but he was living that day with us...crying with us...He was EVERYWHERE.

the 3rd was harder for me...i had forgotten that last year it was the same. i think that the 3rd will probably turn into my deep grieving day - a day of 'what ifs'...a day of 'i wish'....a day of 'i miss'. the 3rd is turning into the day where my heart wound is scratched wide open and the bloody pain flows deeply. it's a day when i relive nov. 3, 2007. i hate flashbacks....i hate those terrible, horrible memories. but it is just one day...one day that i miss our son deeper than any other. i went with my dear, dear friend - charissa - to the cemetary. we sat next to seth's grave for nearly 2 hours...remembering, crying, laughing, wishing...it was such a precious time. it's times like those where you see God's faithfulness once again - this time through a friend.

the 4th, oddly enough...is turning into a celebrating day. i don't mean that to sound wrong, it's just....that's what it felt like - a day of celebrating that our seffers is in Heaven with his Heavenly Father and enjoying his life now. it's a day when i can honestly say brings me joy. to know that our #1 job as parents is met...to know that we had helped our child to Christ...pure joy. i can imagine him so very clearly in Heaven. Heaven is so very real to me now. we started the day by speaking to 700+ students at Unity Christian High School's chapel service. because of how seth died - in the midst of the unity community - we really wanted those students to know that no matter what circumstance God leads you to....He is going to lead you through. i kept hearing God tell me....'tell them to look for me...look for me in their troubles and trials because I am everywhere'....i hope that we were able to convey what God needed them to hear.

from there greg and i went out for breakfast and then visited the cemetary. still is a haunting and yet utterly beautiful place. to know that someday we will be raised from that very spot next to seth is just indescribable....His faithfulness once again. we picked the kids up from school and took them to the cemetary in which we watched them have fun running around and chasing the little ones. 'should we be having this much fun' one asked? 'oh yes, honey....seth is having fun-why shouldn't we?' 'this year is better than last year....last year everyone was so down' that's how i want it for them - to be joyful when thinking about where seth is at right now.

we then went home and had brupper (breakfast at supper) - one of seth's favorite meals - including a whole platter of sausages! the kids even milked it out of us to have coffee since 'seth loved coffee, mom!' after supper we put the little ones to bed and then greg and i and the 5 older kids sat in the living room and opened seth's trunk and went through it. it was one of those times when as a mom you look around the room and you try to memorize it because it is so very special. 'look what seth wrote in his journal!' 'i can't believe that tanner wrote that!' tears...laughter....quiet....smiles....peace. such peace. we went through his entire trunk and then had a ginormous mess to pick up - but it was ok...bring on the mess.

so the week is done...and i hope like 2 years ago....that God was glorified in what we did to remember our little seffers....to God be all the glory....amen and amen.

'GIVE SETH A HUG FOR US AND TELL HIM WE LOVE HIM'

2009-11-01T19:59:00.003-05:00

how can i do this....how can i do this week with all the reminders? my heart just hurts tonight. my heart misses my boy. i so desperately want to hold him again. i want to land one more kiss on his little head. i just want to hear his voice. oh, how i would give anything to break up a fight between him and caleb or luke right now. tonight in church we watched steven curtis chapman's video of 'when love takes you in'....it hurt....it hurt to watch and to listen to the words.....'when love calls you home'...seth was called too early...too young....i didn't have enough time with him Lord...i wanted more time.....i just wanted more time. i know that he's experiencing more love than i could have ever have given him....but i wanted to try...i love him so much....it's probably why it hurts so much.

i was singing to ben before putting him to bed. i was doing fine....until i started singing 'Jesus loves me'...oh did the memories come flooding back. this time me singing to a boy in a bed....with tubes coming out his nose...and him not singing back. tonight ben started singing with me....oh how i wish that seth would have just sat up in that bed and started singing with me...all i have now is the memory of me singing to myself...to a child who was already gone. oh how i ache for the day to be with him and hearing him sing back to me....come back Lord....please come soon....heal my broken heart.....but until then as i always say at the end of every one of my prayers now 'give seth a hug for us and tell him we love him'....until we can tell him ourselves again someday.

I HAVE A DREAM

2009-10-30T14:05:00.002-04:00

i have a dream....a dream where i can be a part of a place that helps children in their darkest hours. a dream that when a child loses their mom or dad, brother or sister, grandparent, friend, classmate....they will have a place to come. a place where they can feel 'normal' in their grief. a place where they won't feel as if everyone is looking at them. a place where they have a hope....that life DOES get better and that God IS everywhere, even though it may seem like He's farther away than ever before. in my dream this place is safe. this place is where children look forward to coming to each and every time. a place where they begin lifelong friendships. a place where they can get mad and know that it's ok to be mad, but to learn what to do with that anger in appropriate ways. this place is filled with love. not only love from us but so much more.....a love that comes from God alone.
this place would be a bright spot in their dark times of grief and sadness.

last night my dream really started to come true. last night a group of 13 women were around 3 tables on the beginning of a journey that God had started sometimes years and years before. i was in awe when i was looking at these women...these selfless women who felt God calling them to 'let their lights shine like the heavens'. i just had to look at them. i can't explain it. it sounds absolutely absurd. but i just had to look at them and see how God had brought us all together. i stood in awe of God's work and that He is allowing me to be a part of it. i stand in awe of how he had taken 13 women from various backgrounds, various cities, various lives....but brought us together for one purpose alone. the purpose to bring honor and glory to God by helping the littlest ones of His. i just couldn't believe that i was sitting in this room watching my dream become a reality. it was so incredibly surreal. i can't explain it.

when God calls you to do something and you allow Him to work through you, it's one powerful moment. one that brings you closer to your Heavenly Father than never before. i pray that He still wants to use me in this way. i pray that starlight will NEVER be about greg and i or the facilitators or the volunteers or the board...i pray that starlight will ALWAYS be about bringing hope to children and teens. God's hope. i pray that we ALL will be 'shining like the stars in heaven'.

i have a dream......and i praise God that He's making my dream come true.

FINDING COMFORT

2009-10-26T08:27:00.003-04:00

how do i do this.....how do i help the kids, who are hurting so much right now? my heart breaks at this time of year, but then to see our kid's hearts hurting so badly...it's almost unbearable. they're feeling it....the upcoming 4th. we're all 'feeling it'. one of the kids this w/e finally broke down and let it out. 'i just miss seeing him at school,mom....he should be there'. what do you say to that? what do you say to a child who is missing their sibling so badly? what do you say that will take the pain away...if only for a little while? what do you say when they admit that they are having so many flashbacks? what do you say when they are trying to say - through tears - that they just imagine the accident and seth getting hit by the car? what do you say when you can see your child struggling so much with the situation....and yet have no words? how do i take that pain away? i can't...i know that God is having them experience this right now for some reason. to make them grow? to rely on Him more? to strengthen their faith?.....for all the attempts to help them through this...i think i'm failing miserably with helping their faith.
i just pray that they will not become hard-hearted because of seth's death.

we were in meijer's last week and one of the kids saw a little boy that reminded them of seth. they said it was nice seeing him. they admitted that when they hear seth's name that it's a happy/sad. happy that someone is remembering them, sad becuz he's not here. 'i want them to talk about him, but they're afraid to talk about him'. soooo normal. the kids at school are hurting too. they don't want them to hurt more. i guess the lesson is...talk about your loved ones that have died. bring them up in conversations. tell your memories of your loved one to others....help us keep him alive in our hearts.

during family meeting last night one of the kid's prayer request for the week was: 'be with us as seth's heaven birthday is coming up'. it's happening....another wave. to see our kids going through it so differently this year is so difficult. it's harder in some ways. the first year we expected the pain to come...this year it hit us without notice. it's not like i didn't think we'd hurt or not go through it, but it's so different this year and i don't know why.

some of the kids talk about him....some don't say a word about him. please pray for our kids. pray that they will get through this time in their lives and look back on it and see so many of the gifts God has granted us. pray that they don't become hard-hearted toward God. pray that they're going to be 'ok'. i just wish these next 2 weeks would be done....over.....finished. but i know that God has something that He wants to teach us in the midst of this. He is so faithful...i have to rely and remember that. we goes NOWHERE without Him....for He never leaves us. no matter what situations He asks us to go through...He never leaves us. He's not only walking us through difficult times....He CARRIES us through them. i do know that. i find comfort in that. i pray that the kids find comfort in that too.

ANOTHER GOODBYE

2009-10-08T14:51:00.002-04:00

today i experienced another goodbye.....i'm beginning to really hate that word. i had to tell a wonderful group of women that i have done Bible study with for the last 12 years that i just couldn't do it anymore.....and my heart broke just a little more. this group of women have encouraged me, laughed with me, cried with me, learned with me, mentored me....and i love them all dearly. i have been feeling lately that i'm just keeping my head above water. i have been forgetting things, misplacing things, losing things.....my mind is in overdrive every day. i think a part of me wanted it that way. i wanted to be so busy that i wouldn't have to feel the pain that is always a part of me, but has been pushed aside for so long. i think that i thought if i could just stay busy i wouldn't have to deal with that grief pain.....and now is coming in such huge amounts that i feel as if i'm drowning.

it's back.....that heaviness. not nearly as bad as last spring...but it's there. i can tell seth's 2nd Heaven birthday is coming up. i'm crying more. i see seth everywhere. just this morning i dropped luke off at school and watched him run in.....he ran EXACTLY the way i remember seth running. it surprises me that i'm feeling this all again. i don't know why it would surprise me. i expected it last year....it took me by surprise this year. my counselor said that it was a good thing that i gave up coffeebreak (my Bible study) and a few other commitments....it allows me more time to do my grief work. i don't want to do it.....i don't want that pain.....i don't want those memories. and yet they are constantly with me. lisa, my counselor, said that this pain IS always there and that i may have been 'damming' it all up and not allowing little bits of it through. she explained it that i may have been not letting just a little grief in at a time.....managable bits.....but have been 'storing' it all up and now it's come flooding out again. that made alot of sense to me. she encouraged me to allow just a little bit out each day and then i'd be able to handle a little at a time. her favorite question each session is 'what are you going to do for jolynn this time?'. i think that the next few weeks i'm going to start looking through the things that we've put in seth's trunk. i'm a little surprised that we haven't gone through it as a family more than we have....we really never go through it. it's just sitting there in the living room - great footstool - but that's about it. i think it may be time for me to allow those little bits of grief through and start going through his trunk......i think that's what i'm going to do for me this time.

goodbyes are so difficult....and yet they also mean a new chapter.....a new journey.......a new calling perhaps. goodbyes allow me to see where God wants me to go from here. that's my challenge now.....see what God wants me to do from here. i know that starlight is a major piece of this new journey....and i am so very excited to see what God does with it. lisa asks me what do i do for me....starlight 'does it' for me. i LOVE working towards this goal that God has led Greg and i. i feel purpose.....i feel excited......i feel scared......and yet i feel exactly where God wants me to be.....and that is the only place i want to be. so saying goodbye to my wonderful Bible study this morning was one of the harder things i've done recently.....and yet i believe that God has exciting plans in store for me......and i can't wait to truly dedicate my time and energy to where He leads.

THINGS THAT SURPRISE ME

2009-10-07T09:13:00.003-04:00

i feel it coming again....and it surprises me. that heaviness is creeping back onto my heart and that makes me so scared. last spring it was unbearable....i can't go back to that spot. i hate what seth's death has taken from me. from the obvious to those that i'm just learning about. i've always said that fall is my favorite time of year. i loved it.....the colder weather, the leaves changing, cozy feeling inside the house, football games....everything about fall - i loved. it's not that i HATE this time of year, it's just that instead of all good things that i can see fall brings....it brings equal parts bad. i see death. trees dying.....leaves falling......dead trees.....brown corn. i see a cemetary with brilliant colored trees and a family surrounding a grave. i see heartbroken children and family. i see pain. i FEEL pain. i hate what seth's death has taken from me.... a part of my life where i found such joy. this sounds so depressing. some days aren't so bad.....today isn't one of them.

i'm having so many flashbacks lately. i can tell his Heaven birthday is coming up.....and these feelings surprise me. i expected it last year....this year it's back. i didn't expect it to come back. why is that? it's not as if anything has changed in a sense.....seth is still gone, i'm still here with a huge hole in my heart. but then i think....there are MANY things that have changed. so much hope this year where i didn't feel last year. purpose again....that feels good.....to feel like i have purpose again. God has been working so greatly in our lives in this past year. how can i feel this way when He has been with me the entire way? it sounds like i'm being ungrateful....i hate that. sometimes i feel like a little kid who didn't get what they wanted for christmas and then sulks about it for days. what is up with that? i wish my faith were stronger so i wouldn't feel/sound so ungrateful. i guess i'm just a work in progress.

days like today.....i need to see the beauty in God's creation and see it as His faithfulness instead of seeing what i DON'T have. seth is SO much better off right now. i need to see the temporary separation for what it is......temporary. we will see him again. God is good....i can say that with complete confidence....even through this sorrow....He is good. He's proven that so many times in this past year. i need to cling onto that....to hold onto that....to realize that the same arms that are carrying me through today are the same ones that are carrying our boy.

ONLY BY THE GRACE OF GOD

2009-09-30T15:11:00.004-04:00

it's been exactly one month today since i've last written. what a month it's been! school started and we haven't stopped since. caleb has been completely saturated with football and his first year of high school. grace started soccer and is hating school since her BFF isn't in ANY of her classes. abby is getting used to being in middle school and is doing great academically. luke has had NO bus notices, but did already have a detention. he is trying very hard, though! andrew is enjoying being 'top dog' in the elementary school and tries to figure out new and interesting ideas to prevent himself from having to read ANYTHING. lydia is going to school in the afternoons on Mondays through Thursdays and is ALMOST potty trained (YEA!!! no more terrifying screams coming from her after she poops!!!). and ben is home screaming 'eat' whenever he enters the kitchen! our life here is far from quiet.......and i love it! (usually...)

greg is still busy as ever at the office/hospital. this summer he was on the search committee for our church to find a new youth pastor. THAT was a busy committment!! so between work, committee work, and around the house projects he ......is my superman!

and myself. where ever do i begin? i've started seeing a counselor. wow....that's hard to admit. 'supermom' mentality and all. i guess it was just mom's turn to take care of herself. it has helped .........alot. to know that i'm NOT crazy.....priceless! she keeps asking me what i'm doing for myself to which i usually reply with the typical 'when another couple hours are added onto a day....THEN i'll do something for myself'. she doesn't usually like that answer so i had to start wondering what i COULD do for myself......and i realized - i like writing (blogging to be more specific). it helps getting all those thoughts that are tangled up in my head down onto a screen.......makes them look so much less overwhelming. so here i am.....trying to get back into it and trying not to think about ALL the other things i should be doing instead. this is good......this is good for me.....so here i sit and type.

i have had such amazing devotions lately. each time i think......i should get that on my blog. so i'll just share a recent one. this devotion was about not understanding God's ways. it reads:

perhaps there is something in your life causing you to question God. do you find yourself saying, "i d not understand why God allowed my loved one to be taken. i do not understand why affliction has been permitted to strike me. i do not understand why the Lord has led me down these twisting paths. i do not understand why my own plans, which seemed so good, have been so disappointing. i do not understnand why the blessings i so desperately need are so long in coming". Dear friend, you do not have to understand all God's ways of dealing with you. He does not expect you to understand them. you do not expect your children to understand everything you do - you simply want them to trust you. and someday you too will see the glory of God in the things you do not understand. J.H.M.

this makes so much sense to me.....the part about my kids not having to understand everything. how many times haven't i said to them 'because i said so'. i always HATED my mom saying that, but in light of this devotion - it just makes sense. i AM glad that God has allowed me to see Him everywhere. some people have asked us 'where do you think God went when seth died?" and i can honestly tell them...."no where....He never left". i am so thankful that we don't have a bitter heart, that we ARE able to see that God is working in our lives even in death, and that He is using us in so many different ways that were never possible if seth hadn't died. i'm so glad that i can honestly say 'thank you, God.....not for taking seth from us for a while, but for letting us see some positive things come from it.' i never thought i could get on this side of a loss this big and be able to say that...........ONLY by the grace of God.

WHERE DID THE TIME GO?

2009-08-30T22:47:00.002-04:00

the night before the first day of school. it's still so hard to believe that we're going to be bringing caleb to his first day of high school tomorrow - I remember high school!!!! he's a cool cucumber - not nervous one bit....'it's just another school year mom!'....yea right! we'll see how early he gets up tomorrow morning - that'll tell me how nervous he is!! it seems as if i was just laying out his clothes for preschool. now he's taller than me, driving a car, playing football, and heading off to high school. i kinda miss my little boy. i wouldn't trade him right now for anything though.

first day of school brings so many emotions in kids. i miss the fact that abby won't have seth with her as she starts her first day of middle school. i think it's affecting her more than she even realizes herself. she's so tired again lately....her cue that she's going through a grief burst. how could she not? thinking to herself i'm sure that 'i bet seth would be loving having his own locker too'. if you think about her, could you say a little prayer for her. i'm even dreading that first day of school somewhat. i would always get them on the bus and then follow them to school and watch them get off the bus. (my mom would laugh at me so much for that!!) i would take pictures of them next to their friends and leave them to start their day. last year was horrible. one less picture to take. i hope that this year is a little easier.....

IT'S OFFICIAL!!!

2009-08-24T21:37:00.002-04:00

so another miracle has just been experienced in the van wienen household. we got word last friday that the IRS has APPROVED our 501(c)3 non-profit application. Starlight Ministries is an official organization! the miracle part of this is that our lawyer had told us not to expect any word from the feds until the earliest october and then after that expect a few more months of addressing the questions that they will have about the application. our hope was that all would be finished by the end of the year. well......our God is a HUGE God.....5 weeks after submission - our approval arrives!!! our lawyer told us that in all the years that he has been doing these, not ONE has been returned that quickly and not ONE has come back approved on the first submission!!! Our God is an AWESOME God!! talk about reaffirming to greg and i that we're hearing correctly what He is asking and that we're on the right road (at least for once!!!! :):)) so thank you for all the prayers - they are working!
we are planning on training our facilitators in november with a start date of january. the first 2 deliveries of seth bears have been done and we were given a list (from mike matthyse) of all the area funeral homes that are interested in participating in the seth bear project. is this really happening?!?!?!? at times it seems like just a dream! i just can't believe that it's all coming together.....it's unbelievable to watch God work it all together.....it's the most amazing feeling to be able to see God at work and then be a little part of His plan. praise God from whom ALL blessings flow!

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A YEAR MAKES

2009-08-12T13:44:00.002-04:00

it was a year ago today that we left for guatemala to pick up our new little girl. wow! what a difference a year makes! so much has happened....so much has changed.....for the better! so many memories of guatemala.....so many memories of her adjusting to us and us to her...so many things to be thankful for!

BACK IN THE SWING OF THINGS

2009-08-05T08:17:00.013-04:00

home......love that word! we got home last saturday from being gone for 2 weeks. 2 weeks is a VERY LONG time in the van with a screaming 18 month old! WHAT WERE WE THINKING?!?!?!? actually, ben didn't do too badly, just some tense times when he was refusing to sleep and needed it about 100 miles before that! all i can say is that dramamine is our friend! yes, i admit it....we drugged our child......the first time i felt INCREDIBLY guilty. the 3rd time.....not so much!

it was a vacation that was filled with laughing, crying, staying up super late, driving, eating, playing a gazillion games of monopoly, driving, playing with the kids, white water rafting, driving some more! did i include driving? all i know is that about 1 inch on the atlas is about 2 hours of driving time!!!!! everything out west is big! i'll include some more pictures of vacation, but for now i'll let the kid's own words of what their favorite part of our out west adventure was:

caleb: "probably the grand tetons and hiking up to the waterfall"

grace: "our apartment at the cabin"

abby: "grace....wasn't mall of america your favorite??!?!"

grace "oh yea.....put that on my list too!"

abby: "my favorite part was the grand tetons and jenny lake"

luke: "playing pranks on the girls!!!!" (and MANY were done to both boys and girls!)

andrew: "going on the rides (at mall of america), the tv in the cabin, me and jonah's own bed,

going on the hike, seeing that water spray way into the air, seeing a moose, oh yea and

riding that boat over that lake (taking the ferry across jenny lake), trying to see the

bear at the cabin, riding in jonah's van"

YELLOWSTONE ADVENTURE

2009-07-25T16:13:00.012-04:00

yesterday we made our way to the lower loop of yellowstone and saw old faithful. what an amazing work of creation! on our way through yellowstone we were able to see a bald eagle, bison, coyote, elk, and on the way home a moose! i was amazed at how much of the park has been damaged by wild fires. i wasn't expecting that.

today is a lay low day. we're preparing for tomorrow when we make our big trek to the grand tetons. i was able to finish taking the kids' pictures outside today. the kids are doing great except when luke stepped into a 4 X 8 piece of EXTREMELY sticky paper to prevent ants from getting past....he stepped into it ACCIDENTALLY of course. he then continued to spread the sticky mess throughout the entire house!!!!! UGH!!!! to which andrew followed suit and ACCIDENTALLY stepped into it too - yea right! oh i was so upset!! it was nearly impossible to get that stuff wiped off! the boys are needing a routine and that's why we decided to stay around the cabin for today.

we're planning on doing white water rafting on monday....really looking forward to that!

it's been a week since we left....i can start feeling the homesickness settle in just a little....i'm such a home body!

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PLACE ON EARTH

2009-07-23T18:23:00.017-04:00

i was hoping to have written each night about our out west adventure....HA!!! what was i THINKING!! i had forgotten how much WORK it is to take 2 little ones on vacation! I'M TIRED!! i need a vacation from this vacation! actually it has gone quite smoothly so far...it's just logistically moving 9 people in and out of hotel rooms each night, making sure each are dressed with the appropriate child's clothing each day, and handling two little ones who are WAY off schedule! lydia has traveled well so far.....ben on the other hand?!?!?! let's just say dramamine is my best friend!! it doesn't help that he's teething his eye teeth right now as well.

anyway, last saturday was our big push to orange city, IA. i know all the jokes about corn and iowa, but it didn't ready me for the unbelievable beauty to see acres of corn for as far as the eye can see. it was really quite beautiful. the other thing that i didn't know was that iowa has wind farms as well. talk about majestic beauty in those ginormous white arms stretching to the sky circling around and around!

sunday we met up with a wonderful family that we met in guatemala when we were picking up lydia and they were picking up their son. it was so good to see them again and all of our kids hit it off great. we hope to be able to meet up with them again and meet in the middle. (sorry, heather...i tried to upload your picture, but i wouldn't let me!! :(

monday we were up and out early so that we could put in some miles to see the badlands and mount rushmore. the badlands were explained perfectly by our neice "it's like one great big sand castle". the kids just about gave me a heart attack when they went so close to the edge to just about falling off. it was gorgeous in a dry, sandy, brownish sort of way. we got to rapid city and then went to a dinner show at fort hayes (the movie set of dances with wolves). cool set, ok food, horrible kids (greg and i ended up in the van with the younger two before the show ended). the older kids liked it though. after the show we were let out in time to get to mt. rushmore and see the lighting ceremony. i ended up in the van with the 2 little ones (they had finally crashed), but i was able to see rushmore from the van. completely amazing!

tuesday was bear country. very cool to see bears in front of our cars. the elk were huge! we then drove onto devils tower. it just amazes me the things that God has created. i've never seen anything like it. it was incredibly hot and we decided to just drive past it instead of drive up to it. then came the road that never ended....212 from devils tower to billings.....the road that NEVER, EVER ended!! that was a long haul. the only interesting thing was that there are some HUGE bugs in montana!! we nailed them all i think! we ended the day in billings.

wednesday brought us to our home away from home....big sky, montana....the most beautiful place on earth. this morning i woke up before everyone else and sat out on the deck and watched the sun rise. between the cool air, the pine trees for as far as the eye could see, the mountain range growing from deep browns to pale blues, hearing the creek rushing by, the birds waking up, and spending some precious time with my Heavenly Father. it's seth's birthday today. and i'm missing him more today than usual. it's normal i'm sure, but today God spoke to me in psalm 23. i've read and memorized that chapter since i was a little girl, but today the verse that says "He leads me beside quiet waters He restores my soul"

popped out like i had never seen it before. i don't know if it was being next to the creek and listening to it...but it just spoke to me in a way that i've never heard it before. it was if God had ordered everything together this morning for me to read that verse. (doesn't He do that every day?) i felt so reassured that He wanted to restore my soul. heaven knows my soul is in need of some restoring. so seth's birthday is almost done. we ate pistachios (one of his favorites....in fact we found cup fulls of shells in his closet after he died!), looked at his abc book, talked about how much he would have loved it here, and went out for his birthday supper. i so much would rather he be here in person. my heart aches for him at times.....but God IS restoring my soul.....day by day. and today He's doing it in the most beautiful place on earth.

MONTANA HERE WE COME!

2009-07-17T22:08:00.003-04:00

1 van packed to the gills......9 bins of clothes.......1 trailer filled with bikes.......7 very excited kids.....2 very tired parents......1 big empty hole......25 gallons of gas........5 bags of chips.......69 pages of trip tiks......4000 miles ahead of us........1 mom with no hair.......9 sweat shirts packed.....112 diapers(hopefully enough!)....... 2 bottles of benadryl......around 54 hours on the road round trip.........55 dvds......montana here we come!!

OFF TO MONTANA!! (soon...)

2009-07-12T13:50:00.003-04:00

96 bears assembled and ready to deliver.......350 support letters sealed and ready to be sent.....starlight stuff done......now on to packing for MONTANA!!! we leave on saturday and just can't wait. i've never been out west before and am very anxious to see God's creation and beauty. i can't wait for the road trip (i LOVE road trips!). i'm excited to spend time with my brother and sister and their family (they're coming with us too!). i'm just ready for a change. with all the excitement i still feel anxious....sad?.....reserved? i'm not really sure, but just off a little. we will be celebrating seth's birthday in montana. i'm a little disappointed that i won't be here to visit his 'doorway' (i just finished reading a book where a mom had lost her infant daughter to a genetic disorder and they call her grave site her 'doorway into heaven'. i absolutely LOVED that reference! so i think from now on i'm going to look at seth's grave not as an ending, but a beginning for him. a doorway in which he ran through 20 months ago.) i'm nervous as to how to 'celebrate' this year. i don't want it to be just another day and yet i don't want to 'ruin' the time out there for everyone else. i'm still thinking about what to do. i finished seth's ABC scrapbook.....maybe i'll take that with us.....i'm not quite sure yet. donna (my sister-in-law) suggested we go up to the tallest hill/mountain to get the closest to him and let go balloons....maybe that's what we'll do. either way....he will be so missed. this is our first major vacation without him and i'm feeling such mixed emotions. i just hope the day goes well, that we have fun, and that i don't ruin it for everyone.

IT'S REALLY HAPPENING!

2009-07-01T10:20:00.008-04:00

i can't believe that starlight ministries is truly becoming a reality! we've worked on SLM for the last 6 months and last night it really hit me....this is really happening.....and i stand in awe.

i had 13 amazing women come over to assemble our first batch of seth bears. kath made a beautiful cake with our logo on it!! what a great surprise! thank you so much kath....i LOVED it!
we needed to cut the tags, string the tags/stars, and tie them onto the seth bears. we also had some folding the family letter and stuffing envelopes. these will accompany the seth bear and is for the parents -explaining what the bear is about and telling them about SLM. it took only 45 minutes to get it all done! it was just unbelievable as i watched everyone helping us make our dream a reality. a HUGE shout out 'thank you' to all you who came! so the first set of bears are done and will be delivered sometime next week....is this all a dream?!?!?! all i can say is that God is such a BIG God. never in my wildest dreams would i have ever thought this could all happen - and it has...and i stand in awe.

THIS IS THE GREAT ADVENTURE! (maybe)

2009-06-23T20:26:00.003-04:00

well....i'm here again....at a time in my life where i am attempting to show our little girl the joys of 'pottyhood'. all i have to say is.....i remember why i didn't like this part of child rearing! summer came - no school - no schedules - time to get down to business - bring it on!

1st few days....NO SWEAT!....she 'just decided' on her own that she was going to do this. WOW! i thought I was GOOD! trained in just 3 days?!?!?! hand over that 'greatest mom on earth' award! (NOT!!!!) then i fell FAR from my throne....and screwed up potty training for the rest of this adventure.

lydie had the peeing part down....dry for hours.....dry for nap time....what a great girl! then it happened....the smallest, hardest, roundest little turd......right in her pants. OK, no problem, no fear...just a little speed bump. take her to the bathroom and clean it up. lydia is on the pot to finish her duty and i take her little 'deposit' from her pants and dump it in the toilet while she was on it. World War III broke out! she went THROUGH THE ROOF! i basically had to PEEL her off the ceiling! it took the next 25 minutes to calm her down. stupid move 'greatest mom' (NOT!!!)

fastforward 1 1/2 weeks....she refuses to go.....ANYTHING! she thinks that if she even has to pee that she will have to poop too! so she holds it.....and holds it....and literally HOLDS it in! usually we find her on the floor.....legs crossed and doing the little 'potty dance'. 'do you have to go potty, honey?' NO!!!!!
ok....i veto that answer every time and put her on the pot. so she still is doing the little 'potty dance' on the pot until she can't hold it any longer and then it comes....the flood of the hoover dam. (truth be told, i am a little concerned about UTI's coming down the road for her!)

as far as her doing number 2? well....how long CAN a 24# little girl NOT poop? it's just downright FUNNY watching her try to 'push that little poop back on in'!! so tonight it's time....i'm just going to MAKE her poop (1st wrong turn!) lydia on the toilet....me on the floor. me turning the light on and off and trying to have her say the words....lydia looking at me like 'WHAT are you trying to do to me here?!?!?'....me doing the 'this little piggy goes to market' rhyme (i'm trying to get her mind off that fact that she's on the toilet and then just let gravity take its course....yea right!)....lydia still doing her little dance and REFUSING to just let it fall!....me going back to my cheerleading years 'push it out! push it out! WAAAYYY out!!!! (ok....i'm getting desperate i KNOW!)...lydia at this point starting to pass the worse gas and yet refusing to let it go. i have nothing else....nothing....i'm outta tricks.....outta ideas.....a little girl miserable...i give...she wins....no forcing NOTHING out tonight....diaper on....child in bed....

i go and check on her in 2 hours and am met at the door with a WALL of aroma coming from her pants....this is the great adventure (NOT!)....tomorrow is a new day. :)

REMEMBERING SETH

2009-06-11T18:36:00.002-04:00

when i think of our seth.....these are the memories that i have.....

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

PLEASE PRAY

2009-06-09T17:42:00.002-04:00

i'm asking for prayers....i need help out of this pit i'm in....i can't seem to get out by myself.....i feel like i'm hitting rock bottom with no way out....i need to see Light again.... i'm asking for prayers....i have no energy.....i'm just tired.....always tired.....i just want me back.....

I HAVE A STORY....

2009-06-05T18:41:00.002-04:00

the following is the speech that i gave in our church a few weeks ago. talk about NERVE RACKING!!! God is good....i made it through.....as a result several people want to be involved with Starlight Ministries, the Sunday school next year is going to be raising money towards seth bears (since most of them knew seth), and we received 2 donations!!! all in all....God was glorified and we were very encouraged to keep pressing on....

I HAVE A STORY
i have a story....not one i ever wanted.....but one i feel God wants me to tell. This part of my story begins 18 months ago....on a sunday afternoon....when we had to say good-bye to seth for the last time this side of Heaven. for those who don't know....on nov. 4, 2007 our 10 year old son died after he was hit by a car while crossing 44th street. he spent his last few hours with 2 of his brothers and our wonderful babysitter, keri. she had taken the 3 of them to her brother's soccer championship game. after the game they were going back to her car when the boys ran on ahead through the first road on 44th. keri called to him to stay in the median and wait for her. seth continued running through the first lane of the 2nd road and then paused in the middle of the road. after waiting for a split second he took off again....running faster than ever. it was at that point when the car hit him and he died the next day. everyone at the accident saw it that way....greg and i choose to believe it happened another. we believe with every ounce that seth didn't just decide to finish crossing that street. we KNOW that at that point is when he saw his Savior for the first time....face to face....calling him home. what parent could be more proud of a child....than to know that the last act on this earth was one of obedience....for when seth was called Home....he didn't walk......he ran......right into the arms of God.

since that day we have been comforted in so many different ways. many.....MANY..... of those ways were from all of you. the outpouring of love and support from our Ridgewood family was more than we could ever have dreamt. in so many ways we were comforted by you:
......the hundreds of cards,
.....the 6 months worth of meals brought to us,
.....the 2 months of school lunches made for our other kids so that i wouldn't be reminded every day i was making one less,
.....the friends that came alongside us during that week and kept the house going when we were living in a state of shock,
.....the hugs given - when there weren't any words to be said,
.....the pats on our backs or hankies given to us during a service when we were brought to tears once again.
each and every way we were comforted. for that we will be eternally grateful to you. we've said before that God has asked us to walk a very deep and dark valley.....but we were never asked to do it alone....for you all were right beside us comforting us along the way.

the week following seth's death is a blur to me, but there are some very vivid memories that God has gifted to me. one was on the day of seth's funeral, that night greg and i fell into bed and were finally able to talk over what had happened that day. at the end of that conversation i remember saying to greg that i felt as if God was working in my heart for some reaon...that He was stirring something. greg said that he felt the same way. we chucked it up to grief and just tried to press on. the following months we were still feeling that sense of working....a sense of calling. we knew that He was at work becuz it was the same feeling he gave to us just before asking us to adopt....we're NOT adopting again...at least not now! but we knew that He was preparing us for something else.

in the last 6 months, He has made His calling very clear. greg and i have begun the process of starting a non-profit ministry to comfort grieving children who have experienced a death of someone in their lives.
...we want to provide a safe, Christian place for children who are on their own grief road.
...we want to provide a place where they will feel comfortable expressing their grief.
...we want to provide a place where they will be with other children who are also grieving - to know that the feelings they are feeling are 'normal' for their situation.
...we want to provide a place to comfort these children in the same way we were comforted by all of you.

we are calling it starlight ministries....star in memory of our seth - for whenever i told him i love you to the moon he would always reply 'and to the stahs'. and light....for we tell our kids that we don't get why God had them lose their brother....but one day they will be lights to someone else.

part of this ministry includes a partnership with the area funeral homes. we will be supplying them with what we are calling 'seth bears'. our hope is that each child who is beginning their own grief road will be given one of these bears. it's a way to begin that healing by providing just a little comfort in form of a teddy bear. along with the seth bear will be a letter explaining what starlight ministries is about and inviting them to join. this if just one way that we feel God has called us to minister to these hurting and grieving children.

i wanted to tell you my story today for several reasons. the first was to publicly say thank you to all of you for being by our side and helping us to press on in the midst of our grief.

another reason is to let you know how God has been working in our lives in regards to starlight ministries and to invite you to become involved if you feel called. that may be helping jayne in the kitchen, maybe delivering our seth bears, or perhaps becoming a facilitator. we ask for your prayers....we are truly very much out of our comfort zone.....but right in the middle of His hands. the same hands that received our son 18 months ago is leading us still today.

finally i wanted to tell you my story so that i could say on this side of a loss that big.....to God ALONE be all the glory and honor and praise.

MEMORIAL DAY

2009-05-29T12:13:00.017-04:00

i finally found some time to share what we did for memorial day.... i think i'll do a picture diary of a day in the life..... we started the day with the jenison parade. it was THE MOST relaxing parade that greg & i have had EVER! you ask why?....well....only watching after 2 little ones who were completely restrained the entire time, the older 5 taking part in other floats of the parade,

no 'back up guys!' or 'move down guys so you're not in front of everyone' or my all time favorite 'would you all just SHARE your candy?!?!?!' (yea, like THAT's ever going to happen!!). all of that combined, greg and i had a delightful morning! caleb and grace were on the ridgewood vbs float....grace in all her glory with her bff, and caleb on the actual float pelting everyone he knew with candy! abby, luke, and andrew on the school 'float'....luke and abby did a great job handing out things. the only way we allowed andrew to go was if he was actually IN the bus and not riding next to it!!! he had fun anyway.

after the parade we told the kids that we were going to have SO MUCH FUN.....working outside finishing up with the stones! you can imagine the van full of moans and groans to which we replied (as any parent says in response to this reaction from their kids)......'come on guys, it's not gonna take long if we all pitch in together' ....followed by the ultimate bribe.........'AND if you do good and don't argue - we'll take you all out for ice cream!' that bribe used to work so much better when they were younger! so we moved stone......and more stone.......and more stone!!!!

the job was FINALLY finished!!!

so....true to our word.......ice cream for all! (after it took only 6 more hours of work! it's amazing how deceiving the size of the stone pile was!)

....some are just too cool to smile! :)

after ice cream we went to the cemetary to bring seth's planter to his stone. WOW! i didn't realize how busy the cemetary could get.....i was truly amazed.

...the kids made me proud...they had to clean seth's stone off! something is

rubbing off on them!!! :) all in all....it was a GREAT Memorial Day!

BEAUTY FROM ASHES

2009-05-22T13:33:00.010-04:00

i made it through....that wave was a tough one. it felt the exact same as the 'big one' before seth's first 'Heaven birthday'. i struggle at times to see that it is actually a grief wave. having so many other responsibilities with the kids and the house i didn't see this one coming...i think that's why it was especially tough. mother's day was horrible. we were camping at the same place we camped at before seth died. in fact, that was the first time i was there since the accident. i so remember the last time we were there: it was actually only a few weeks before he died. it was THE BEST weekend with greg's family and our kids. the weather was perfect, the kids got along, it just seemed like a great weekend. i treasure that weekend. so being there on mother's day was difficult. i saw seth all over the place. i struggle at times with seeing my glass half empty rather than half full in regards to my grief. so many times i ache to hold seth again and at the same time i am so blessed with the 7 that are still with us. God has been faithful, though. throughout this last wave i truly have felt like he was just carrying me through. i felt a little bit like being on a raft in the water and just going up and down, but never going under. it was like God's arms were my raft and He wasn't letting me go through this rough water alone. it amazes me - His faithfulness.

one of the things that keeps me going is Starlight Ministries, Inc. we are official and we're heading toward some really neat things happening. we're going to be ordering the seth bears soon. the Seth Bear Project is part of SLM in that we are providing teddy bears to the area funeral homes to hand out to any child who is starting out on their grief journey. These bears will have a little medallion around it's neck with seth's picture and then the SLM logo on the other side. a letter about Starlight Ministries will be provided to the parents inviting them and their children to our groups. i LOVE this part of the ministry. to know that seth's memory is living on and that hopefully it will comfort children at the same time just warms my heart.

i wanted to share our logo. hopefully it portrays that even through grief there is still hope.

we are ordering our stationary, business cards, and the medallions next week. it all seems so unreal! i'm planning on going to st. joe to lory's place (which is a center that does grief support for children - just not Christian based) and receive the facilitator training. i'll be able to bring all the supplies home to then turn around and train our facilitators. if anyone is interested or becoming involved with our vision for Starlight Ministries....we would LOVE the help!

God is good....all the time. He really does bring beauty from ashes.....i'm experiencing that first hand.

I JUST WANT ME BACK

2009-05-11T07:54:00.002-04:00

i'm not myself.....haven't been for a few weeks....and it just seems to be getting worse as the days go on. i'm just so overwhelmingly sad...all the time. my heart is just so heavy that i can't imagine it getting any worse and then another day comes and it's heavier still. i have no patience - zero. i'm so short tempered with the kids and with greg. at one point i just got up and left the dinner table after listening to the kids bicker through the entire meal. i got up.....screamed that i couldn't take it any longer....and went to our room. that's not me....i'm just not me anymore. and even in this 'funk' there is laughter. after i left the table that night greg said that abby quietly got up, went around to him and whispered in his ear 'hormones'! God does bring glimpses of light in this darkness that has clouded me lately. i cry at a drop of a hat. i am so tired....always so very tired. i feel absolutely unlovable and selfish....which then spirals me farther down. i just want me back. my heart broke into smaller pieces still when grace came to me and said that she felt like i haven't been happy since seth died and that she thought they weren't enough for me anymore. add lousy mom to the mix. i tried to reassure her that i HAVE been happy since seth died, it's just that lately i miss him more than usual. i tried to convey to her that she and the other kids mean even more to me than before becuz i now understand how short life is. i don't think she understood. all she sees is a mom who is not there right now. i'm just not me.....i just want me back.

i apologize for such a 'raw' posting.....it seems to help a little to get things down.

FROM SADNESS TO COMFORT

2009-05-06T13:51:00.005-04:00

i had to share what an amazing writing assignment my neice handed in. she was given the assignment to write about one moment in time....one moment that changed her......one moment that will be forever in her mind. what she wrote truly captured my heart. thanks court.....i LOVE that you did this....it's heading right for seth's trunk now! :)

FROM SADNESS TO COMFORT

We walked into the funeral home not knowing what was coming up. Not knowing how everyone would respond with what we would see. The moment it opened everyone froze. Awe filled our faces; the room was silent and awkward as we looked into the casket. The person we all knew and loved laying there lifeless with no more meaning. A broken body unbelievable small, so childlike; it hurt to look, to see someone so helpless and not being able to help him. You could feel the anguish filling the room as we stared. Little kids asking questions; they didn't understand. The tears started to fall as we finally comprehended what our eyes couldn't believe. The little blonde boy with blue eyes, so fragile, with glasses too. he had on a sweater and cords but even with clothes on you could see the broken parts on him. Make-up covers nothing. The look of his face made you feel pain as you looked at the scratches and bruises. No words can explain how our family was feeling, and what emotions were rolling across our faces. Madness, sadness, grief, questioning, plus many more feelings were there. Even with a family so big it is hard to imagine life with one less, we only had him for a little while which was enough, but wanted him longer. Even though siblings and family members get annoying, never take them for granted. Because when there time is up you'd wish it had just begun. And when there time does come to be with their heavenly father, you need to look to the future when you get to see them again in heaven. Without all the horrible pain you used to see in their face without all their suffering. And knowing their in a better place doesn't make it easy, just easier. At that moment of realization, a strange comfort filled the room. It was him, with God next to him.

Written by courtney, in loving memory of my cousin, Seth Van Wienen

AWWWW MOMMMMM!!

2009-05-03T15:08:00.006-04:00

what a GORGEOUS weekend we've had! yesterday we spent most of the day outside putting out stone and cutting the grass. today was just too beautiful with the sun and the flowering trees that i couldn't resist the photo opportunity....bring on a bunch of 'awwwww moooommmmms'.....to which i replied..........deal with it! :)........they'll thank me later - i'm sure of it!

MY LAST FIRST

2009-04-24T09:43:00.009-04:00

yes, that time-honored tradition has come for our little ben-ben. a tradition in which they have no idea what is about to hit them. one that may or may not bring a lifetime of scars. a tradition in which mom's across this nation either look very forward to....or dread with each passing day. that's right.....their child's first haircut!!

this mom really has no problem strapping them down somehow....attempting to cut the first hair from their head. i always figure that i'm doing ok if I'M the one doing the first cutting rather than the child or one of their beloved siblings performing the tradition to their brother. so the day had arrived...........and i was prepared.

highchair - check

snacks - check

tv on the annoying clifford show - check

scissors, clippers - check

child - double check

right child - triple check

off we go.....first attempt. screaming bloody murder (from ben, not me!) and cowering away from the scissors. cooing and coaxing from mom, more screaming and cowering. ok, no problem...try another way. put on the always soothing, zone inducing, parent loving baby einstein video.

2nd attempt. first cut...no blood - progress made. able to make a few more snips before he figures out what's happening. no screaming...just MUCH cowering and now he trying to wipe away the pieces of hair from his face. hands just a flailing and .....shoot....screaming starts again. ok...getting just a little flustered, but the tradition must be finished - can't have him walking around with one side of his head heavier than the other!

3rd attempt. ok, getting a little desperate....give him cooking utensils that he's never been allowed to play with but always trying to get at. rules are going out the window quicker than the hair coming off his head!

few more clips...getting closer. almost there....bugger - utensils flying through the air, screaming reaching new decible levels, hands all over the face. mom is getting almost to the end of her tricks...but wait - one last resort. one that will work for any living, breathing male - the remote control!!!!

4th attempt. i'm getting quicker at my clipping and getting closer to the finish! almost done and ben wanting me to get out of his way so that he can see his tv work it's magic from the push of the buttons. 'get outta my way, woman!' i can almost hear him say. one last cut and.... we're .....DONE!!

so...i've just experienced my last first haircut with our children. he's still in the highchair with the remote in hand, hair all over the high chair, utensils on the floor, and MY hair still intact! SUCCESS!!!! :):):):):)

WHAT CAN I SAY?

2009-04-21T22:26:00.004-04:00

need a smile.....give a smile.....or two. this just makes me laugh every time i see them! 2 peas in a pod! shows you what a great brother caleb is.....makes a mom's heart proud!!! enjoy!

THE BEGINNING....

2009-04-15T13:33:00.003-04:00

tonight marks a very important date for greg & i. we have our first meeting with a group of people that we've been called to ask to be involved with our project. a few weeks ago i hinted at something that greg & i were being led to do and tonight starts the beginning of that project. it's a journey that started with seth's death and hopefully will last for many, many years to come. God has been so 'at work' with this that it's beyond humbling. let's just say we feel COMPLETELY out of our comfort zone and completely in the middle of God's plan for us....which is exactly where we're suppose to be i guess.

we are in the process of starting a non-profit ministry. this ministry is geared towards children who are grieving the loss of someone in their lives. it will be faith-based which is different than other children support systems around. we can't imagine having to speak with kids about death and dying without talking about heaven and God. so that's what He is calling us to do....to provide a place where children can come and be with other children who are going down the same grief road that they are on. we pray that we will be able to minister to these kids that they have nothing to fear of heaven - if they have asked Jesus into their hearts. we experienced our own kids being almost fearful of heaven....which is normal i would think. they know and have been taught that heaven is this wonderfully happy place - but it's still an unknown to them and now that they know someone who is actually there we needed to explain to them what heaven was really like....at least from what the Bible tells us it's like. so we pray that we'll be able to minister to these kids who are thrown into these unknown grief feelings and to reassure them, to provide a safe and Christian atmosphere for them to deal with their feelings, and for them to get to know other kids their age who are feeling the same way.

so that's it in a nutshell. a great, big, ginormous nutshell.....but a shell all the same. please pray for us tonight and in the weeks ahead as we get this ministry going. pray that we will be able to see where God is leading us, who He needs to be involved (if He's calling you....contact us!!! :):)), and most of all for HIS name to be glorified.

so this is the beginning....a beginning of something that will honor God utmost, but also be something that will be a legacy for our seth. i pray that both will happen.

MAUNDY THURSDAY

2009-04-09T23:06:00.002-04:00

i love easter. it's my favorite all time holiday....period. it always has been and now it brings more meaning than ever. last easter was our 1st without seth. it was the most hope filled day i have experienced since nov. 4, 2007. i'm looking forward to sunday. if it weren't for easter seth wouldn't be where he is now. tonight was maundy thursday services it struck me again - God knows this heavy heart hurt....for He lost His Son too. the road to Golgotha that He took was such a painful one. we had nails to hold for the entire service and then at the end we placed our nails on a cross. so powerful.....and yet so hopeful. sunday is coming.....easter is coming......Christ is coming.....i long for each of them.

IT HAPPENED...

2009-04-05T23:26:00.003-04:00

it happened.....for the first time since seth's death - it happened. i called one of the kids seth. greg and i were praying with caleb before he left on friday morning for a week long mission trip with some families from our church and i let it slip. i had been dreading this goodbye and was remembering the last time i said goodbye to one of our sons - that goodbye was for the long run. i couldn't stop picturing in my head caleb and seth playing together on the shores of the crystal sea in heaven. it scared me. so when we were praying..it happened. i called caleb seth. after the prayer caleb was just blindly staring at me, not knowing really what to say. i acted like it didn't happen....stupid.

i dropped caleb off at the church and watched them leave in 4 vans. i watched caleb leave and i cried. i prayed. i cried some more.....and i haven't stopped praying since. he's called me several times and other than one call last night saying that his stomach hurt (probably from not eating the best and not sleeping so well the night before b/o the monster he drank at 8:30pm!!! i guess he'll learn the hard way) he's been doing fine. i pray that he has an amazing time serving others, but more - i pray that it will be a time for him to experience a spiritual high (maybe i'm expecting too much of a 14 year old?!?!) i so want for him to have the desire to spend time with God....i hope this week brings it about.

it's just been a hard few days. seth has been on my mind so much more lately - i have no idea why. i miss him. i would give anything to break up an argument between him and luke. i miss his smile, his voice, his laugh. and then i remember that my time here on earth is so very short compared to eternity. i look at it like i look back on my adolescence. when i was in middle/high school it seemed like i'd NEVER grow up and be on my own. it seemed to take forever! now.....(i won't tell you how many years later), but i look back and realize how extremely fast it all went. i expect it will be like that when i get to heaven. i can't wait for that day. i dream about that day - when i see my Savior face to face....when i see seth face to face. i want that day........yesterday.

A LITTLE RED RADISH....

2009-03-29T15:27:00.002-04:00

it's amazing what little things can make a grown women cry. friday it was a stuffed radish....a silly little stuffed radish. i was at school putting out the clothes that i was going to sell at the 2nd hand sale the next day when i saw it. it was sitting next to a pile of other stuffed animals for sale...a small red radish with big floppy green leaves and goofy little eyes....and all i saw was seth coming out of surgery to remove his vocal nodules and this little vegetable sitting next to him.

he ADORED that little radish. played with it like it was a basketball (go figure!). took it to school for show and tell. pelted his brothers with it in their backs. slept with it. and eventually gave it away. you see, seth had this habit of giving away his prized possessions to his friends. i don't know if he was trying to make friends or looking back now...was it prophetic - knowing he wasn't going to be needed it much longer?

it wasn't only HIS things that he gave away - he also took other's prized items. just ask greg someday about his biggest, clearest, and best agate! it was in a dish with other pretty stones and one day it came up missing. seth had THE MOST guilty look on his face! to this day we don't have a clue as to who seth gave that to. one of my favorite stories about things seth wanted to give away was his boxer shorts. i think he was in 2nd or 3rd grade when he had a friend overnight and they were upstairs just talking and laughing away. i couldn't resist so i went up and eavesdropped on them (as only GOOD mothers do - right?!) i am so glad that i did because what a heard was so precious. seth's friend was commenting that seth had the coolest parents (smart kid!) because we allowed seth to wear boxer shorts to which seth replied 'well, if anything ever happens to me....you can have them' WHAT!?!?!?! only seth! (follow-up to this story: after seth died i washed up a few of his boxers and gave him to his friend along with a note 'from' seth - according to his mom he kept them in a safe place and once in a while i think she told me that he wears them! too cute!!!)

today it was a radish....i wonder what next will come my way?

GRIEF GLIMPSES

2009-03-24T14:55:00.002-04:00

little grief glimpses....that's the word that fits best i think. those little things that take you off guard and send you swirling through another little wake of a wave. i get them all the time. sometimes i wonder whether this is what paul in the Bible felt like when reminded of his 'thorn'.

the silliest of things, the smallest of things, the strangest of things bring glimpses back to me of my grief. let me give you some examples...

-seeing a girl that used to be in seth's class at jenison christian who since has moved to the
school that lydia goes to. she was a girl that seth played basketball with quite alot in 3rd grade.
went back to the van and just cried.
-one of seth's hats that luke has started wearing...that coupled with the fact that he is also grown into the coat that seth used to wear. seeing him get on the bus in the mornings....for a few split seconds taking a second look.
-passing by the wall of champions at school and not seeing seth's picture or his little signature in his handwriting. (the wall is a place where kids are congratulated for accomplishing a goal in reading)
-having his pillow fall down from the top shelf in ben's room and smelling his sweet smell yet. i don't think i'll ever be able to wash it.
-seeing the kids in the culdesac behind us come out of 'winter's hibernation' and playing basketball and other games together....and not seeing seth with them.
-going for a walk with greg and seeing some kids skateboarding on a ramp and thinking of seth's ramp still in our garage.
-seeing grace's terrified face at a birthday party where the kids brought some basketballs with them to play in the gym. when we were ready to go grace came running up to me saying that the money ball was missing. "money ball? what's a money ball?" she told me that seth would always call his bball his money ball. went to go look for it with her and found caleb and luke FRANTICALLY trying to get into a room where they thought the ball was. they were trying to get into this room and the door was stuck a little...they were about to pull off the doors themselves just to get seth's ball back. (it's the same ball that seth is holding onto in the picture on the right)
-going through clothes for a 2nd hand sale this w/e at school and coming upon one of seth's shirts....and then putting into the ben pile for later. i think that maybe that may connect ben with his brother a little bit someday in the future.....maybe.
-talking about our trip out west and thinking how annoying seth could be looking for different liscence plates.... and now just wishing with everything that he would be with us to find some more.
-hearing the song by chris rice 'untitled hymn'. the kids would lip sync that to me when i was having a hard day. NOTHING could make me happier than to see all 6 of them in a line from tallest to shortes singing that song to me....and seth always singing at least 3 beats behind and 4 keys off chord. whenever i hear that song now....i always sing it way off key and way behind...closing my eyes and just seeing him stand before me not having a clue how bad he sounded and yet how beautiful.

so many little things....so many big things.....so much grief yet. but it's different now. instead of jars and jars of tears each time...there are just sweet smiles of memories. somedays there are jars yet....but at least....now....some smiles through those tears. thank you, Lord....for the grace to get me through these last 17 months. thank you for my smiles....and for my tears.

SHINING LIKE THE STARS

2009-03-16T14:41:00.004-04:00

there are times when as a parent you are so proud of your kids. most times you just smile at them and treasure them in your heart....but then there are times when the pride just wells up so much you need to share - this is one of those times.

grace has a gift. she has multiple gifts, but one that is more obvious than others. her gift is a gift of writing. now, she usually uses this for good....but there have been multiple times when she uses it in the wrong ways (i have dozens of notes from her telling me how mad/angry/ticked off at us she is.....depending on the level of anger and the situation. we just figure it's better for her to get it out on paper than right to our faces with attitude!)

this time.....she used her gift beautifully. and i am so very proud of her. another dream (besides writing a book someday) of grace's is to be a singer/songwriter. if this is any indication of the future.....her future is very, very bright (or so this proud mama thinks!). we have always encouraged her to write down her feelings and this time she did it in the context of a song. wow!!! she did us proud! here is her song, in her own words......

SHINING LIKE THE STARS
Verse 1
It was November 4, when my world came crashing down
The world had all seemed bleak and gray
He had died that morning
How could this have happened
I just saw him yesterday
At the funeral the preacher said...

Chorus
Shine like the stars
For the whole world to see
He's up in heaven and he is waiting for me
He's happy and dancing
And there's no more hurt
As tears streamed down my face
I could only wish that i was......there

Verse 2
What is he doing right about now is the question that i ask
Is he dancing, is he fishing, is he feasting with the Lord?
Something about that gives me a little hope
That we can...

Chorus
Shine like the stars
For the whole world to see
He's up in heaven and he is waiting for me
He's happy and dancing
And there's no more hurt
As tears streamed down my face
I could only wish that i was......there

Bridge (a capella)
Ohhh shine like the stars
For the whole world to see
The maker of heaven
Loves you and me
That's all i know and that's all i need
to know that he's

(loud and happy)
Happy and dancing
And there's no more hurt
He's fishing and feasting
Laughing and playing

(slow down quiet music)
as tears streamed down my face
i could only wish that i was...... there

oh, how we all wish for that very same thing. someday, gracie.....someday!

MY FAMILY

2009-03-06T11:17:00.003-05:00

i have been wanting to put this picture up for a while now. it's by far one of my favorites...so much so you all are just going to have to look at it for a while! :) we had given each of the kids a new 'seth bracelet' for christmas. the girls have their bracelets made with their birthstone while the boys have blacks and tans. all of them have the square beads spelling out seth's name. (i think that greg and i may just have to cave and get us one too!) i love the way ben's looks like on his pudgy little wrist. i also love the different skin colors.....from winter white to olive brown to deep tan. the kids say that all we need now is a "beautiful black hand" - someday maybe. it was grace's idea to put the star in the center - it was a great idea to honor seth. we have been so blessed. all the praise goes to the One who has blessed us with these.

PRAYERS FROM A MOM'S HEART

2009-02-26T23:30:00.006-05:00

there are certain things that i LOVE about being a mom. those times when the kids are sick (not that i want them to be sick!) and all they want is their mom to be by them. or when they all come home from school running to see who can get to the door first (i always think that they're just all trying to get to me 1st and tell me about their day - HA!!!:)) or when they say thank you for something without being coaxed. but there is no bigger privelege that i have being these children's mom than when i have the honor to pray for them. now mind you....i don't do it NEARLY as often as i should - i can always do better than what i do, but one of my favorite times to pray for them is when i check on them at night before i head off to bed. tonight was one of those nights and i needed to write it down before i forget....

greg is rounding this week and so he usually turns in earlier since he gets up earlier, but normally the sequence is that he checks on the boys downstairs and i go do the ones upstairs - on rounding weeks i get the job of doing all 7 of them (and i always finish up with our 8th one - seth - when i'm done. is that wrong i wonder? to pray for a child who really doesn't need my prayers anymore? i guess i do it more for me....i feel like his mom yet by doing those 'mom-things' that i would normally do for him if he were here.)

so i got to do MY rounding tonight and it turned out to be such a gift from God - i just needed to share. to be honest, since seth died i've had a hard time tucking in luke. if you've seen luke lately - he's looking SO MUCH like seth. (i think another gift for all of us), but it's very hard for me to see him sleeping....reminds me too much of seth in the hospital. and yet God is faithful. with time i have been able to start doing it again and instead of pain...i find peace.....and so i pray for luke. i pray that he is able to handle the issues that he has been given. i pray that he feels loved. i pray that he will be ok dealing with the loss of seth (i pray that for each of them). i pray for wisdom that we will know how to be the parents that he needs. i pray that someday he'll know how talented he is. i kiss him goodnite...."love you - to the moon and and to the stars, luke"

and then there is caleb....if i can even GET to caleb! he is such the typical teenage boy with a typical teenage boy room. clothes on the floor, ipod still in his ears, snoring up a storm! :) so after wading through his (probably) CLEAN clothes strewn over his floor i kneel by his bed and again enjoy the gift of praying over our oldest child. i thank God that he seems to be doing ok after what he's had to deal with in losing seth. i pray that the memories of that horrific day will one day be so blurry that it's hard to picture it anymore. i pray for the friends that he seems to want to be around more than his parents. i pray for the years of high school ahead of him and that he'll make wise choices. i pray that he will always have the desire to take time before sleeping and spend some time with his Father. i kiss him goodnite....."love you - to the moon and to the stars, caleb".

upstairs i come to andrew's room. step on a few (actually MORE than a few) legos....say a few choice words....and finally get to our rambunctious yet always wanting to help me out little one in andrew. i pray that he will sleep in (he's FOREVER getting up WAY too early). i pray that he'll figure out how to be a friend to someone so that he'll someday have a buddy to hang with all the time. i pray that he does his work in school and that someday realize how smart he really is. i pray for patience as it takes SO MUCH to deal with his little "andrew-isms" at times. i pray that i can be the mom that he didn't have in russia. i pray that he feels unconditional love from me.
i kiss him goodnite....."love you - to the moon and to the stars, andrew"

next is baby ben. sleeping with his little butt in the air, legs crossed at the ankles, and already snoring like his dad at the early age of 1. :) i look down at our sweet little baby and cry at the unbelievable surprise blessing he is to me. i thank God for granting us this miracle child and i smile realizing that God knew me so well that He knew a baby would help start heal my shattered heart. i pray that i will be able to watch ben grow up. i thank God for allowing me to have one more baby to love. i kiss him good nite..."love you ben-ben....to the moon and to the stars"

the girls are slightly more difficult to pray OVER as they now sleep in a loft inches from the ceiling. after scaring the begeebers out of grace one night while i was checking on her, i've resolved to just sit in their separate spaces under the loft and pray for them there....

for abby .... i pray that the smile that lights up a room will never be lost. i pray that she won't "get lost in the middle" i pray that she will always know what a beautiful girl God has made her to be. i pray that her dreams of becoming a nurse will one day come to fruition - for she would make a WONDERFUL one. i pray that she will one day find a man just like her dad that will love her and cherish her for the prized person she is. i pray that she will know how truly special she is. i pray that she will one day experience the joy of being a mom. i throw her a kiss :)..."love you, abby.....to the moon and to the stars"

and our gracefully beautiful grace. our strong, independent, lovely young lady. i pray that she will someday realize why God placed her in our family and that she'll know what a blessing she is. i pray the questions that she has about God's purpose in her life will someday be answered. i pray that someday she'll realize how beautiful she really is. i pray that she will always know how much we love her (even though we don't let her go to the mall with her friends by herself yet - we are SUCH lame parents!!:)) and i pray that the gift of writing that God has given her will one day come in form of a book as she has always dreamed about. i throw her a kiss...."love you....to the moon and to the stars, gracie"

and then our newest little girl. our daughter that we prayed for for so long. little lydie. when i checked on lydia tonight i had this overwhelming need to just hold her, rock her, cuddle with her. so....i'm guilty.....i caved. holding her - wrapped in her ever so soft blanket - i picked her up with her squirming just a little. her eyes trying to open and when she was able to lift her eye lids just a mite - her eyes would roll back each time. i could tell she was trying so hard to figure out what was going on, but after sitting down and rocking her gently she quickly fell back to sleep. i was able to hold her like a mom should hold a child and i thought of the first 2 1/2 years of her life when she didn't have anyone to hold her....which made me cling to her all the more. i prayed that she could just FEEL the love pouring out of me and going into her. looking at her all snuggled up in my arms, sucking away on her thumb....i fell more in love with her than i had before - felt more like her mom than i ever felt before. rain was gently falling outside....her sweet lullaby music playing....her melting into my arms as much as my arms were melting into hers.....perfection. i pray that she will ALWAYS feel loved, that she will not only know the love of a mom and a dad, but that someday she will feel the love of a Heavenly Father who chose HER to come home to us. i kiss her goodnite....."love you lydie.....to the moon and to the stars"

and finally, to the one child who probably doesn't need his mom's prayers anymore, but who's mom NEEDS to keep praying for him. i pray that God actually DOES give him a hug and tell him we love him EVERY time i pray it. i pray that he thinks of how much his mom & dad still love him and miss seeing him. i pray that he is experiencing the kind of love that he's never experienced before but was sooooo deserved. i pray that i was a good enough mom to him for the short 5 years that we had him. i pray that his legacy will live on long after he's been gone. i pray for the day to come soon that i'll be able to hold him and hug him and tell him again to his face "love you, seffers.....to the moon and to the stars" and wishing i could give him one more kiss on his little face.

so....my rounding is done. :) my job is finished for the night (morning). and i go to bed with a heart so filled with joy from the blessings of these amazing children. i pray that tomorrow i can wake up and be a better mom than i was today.

THE POWER OF CHEESE BALLS

2009-02-26T15:33:00.004-05:00

our sweet lady-like little lydia is at times gone. at school yesterday she and her class were having cheese balls for their snack. now, let me put this in perspective here regarding lydia and cheese balls.....she doesn't just LIKE them she DEVOURS them!! NO ONE can stand in the way between lydia and cheese balls. whenever we don't think that she is eating much or gaining much weight - we get the cheese balls out! i think that she truly would inhale the ginormous costco sized container of cheese balls all by herself.

that said......yesterday - school - snack time- cheese balls - lydia - unaware teacher of lydia's love of the cheese flavored air balls. teacher was giving each of the students ONE cheese ball at a time. if the child wants more they have to give the teacher a ticket to request more (several of the students do not have language skills yet). well, our sweet lady-like little lydie was NOT receiving enough cheese balls in a timely matter in her opinion so.......as clear as a bell she turns around and YELLS to the teacher "MORE!!!"
her teachers dropped everything and just gasped at this little tyke of a girl scream out for more cheese balls!!

her teacher was so excited to tell me this when i picked her up! do you THINK that she has even WHISPERED a 'clear-as-a-bell word' to me yet? NOPE! well i think that a trip to costco is on my agenda for tomorrow!!

PLEASE PRAY

2009-02-24T08:33:00.002-05:00

without going into too much detail...i'm asking for prayers from anyone that we may hear God very loud and clear this week. greg and i have been in the process of praying about a new project (no not another adoption!!! :):):)) that we feel we're being led to create and we need to know without a doubt that this is from God and not just from our hearts. it's a very exciting possibility and very scary all wrapped in one. we're to the point where we need to go the next step, but we want to be reassured that this is in fact where God is leading us. please pray that we receive God's guidance through this and that He alone is the one to receive the glory from it. i can't wait to share more specifics, but for now just know that it is something that will help keep seth alive in our hearts and hopefully help many more families in the process.

PLEASE BE GENTLE

2009-02-12T13:13:00.003-05:00

my dear friend sent this to me today. it's EXACTLY what this grief journey is like. i couldn't have said it better.

Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving. The sea I swim in is a lonely one and the shore seems miles away. Waves of despair numb my soul as I struggle through each day. My heart is heavy with sorrow.I want to shout and scream and repeatedly ask 'why?' At times, my grief overwhelms me and I weep bitterly, so great is my loss. Please don’t turn away or tell me to move on with my life. I must embrace my pain before I can begin to heal. Companion me through tears and sit with me in loving silence. Honor where I am in my journey, not where you think I should be. Listen patiently to my story, I may need to tell it over and over again. It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss. Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead. Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable. A small flame still burns within my heart, and shared memories may trigger both laughter and tears. I need your support and understanding. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I must find my own path. Please, will you walk beside me?

thank you to all who have walked beside me, behind me, and even before me anticipating the needs i may have. i've said many times before: God has asked us to walk this deep, dark valley of grief and death....but He's not asking us to walk it alone. i thank God for the gift of our family, friends, church, and school - i honestly can say that we have seen God through each one of you and for that we'll be eternally grateful. to God alone be all honor and glory both now and forever more.

LESSON LEARNED

2009-02-04T13:21:00.002-05:00

these last 2 1/2 days were NOT the way i thought they would be. i got sick. been sick. sick of being sick. i got strep throat and have been down for 2 1/2 days. boy, it knocked me down hard - in bed with fever/chills/migraine/and a throat that felt like cotton. with all that down time...and 1/2 of it tired of laying down - it gave me WAY too much time to think. it's been a rough few days.

i'm just laying there these last 2 days and all i could do is replay pictures in my mind from the hospital (seth laying in that bed looking HORRIBLY tiny, him not opening his eyes no matter how hard i was wishing it to happen, kissing his sweet dirty grimy little hands, smelling his sweet smell, having people coming and going, trying to lay down for some rest and my brother craig sneaking in next to me in the recliner...him snoring, me just laying and thinking :), the doctors coming and telling us time after time that there was no hope, singing to seth, watching everyone say goodbye, and then the final time i had to kiss him goodbye...horrible, horrible memories) i wish i could lose those pictures in my head. then it would shift to now and me just crying my eyes out becuz lydia and ben don't even know him. i long for a time when i would have been able to watch him with them....playing with lydia, wrestling with ben. that's a BIG heartache for me. there are times when my mind goes there that my chest literally hurts from my heart breaking all again. those were my last 2 days.

to be totally honest, part of my heartbreak in all of this since seth died is that my devotional time with God has truly tanked. i don't have the ambition/desire/time (although that's just an excuse). i feel horribly, horribly guilty about it. and at the same time i don't DO anything about it. i did get up this morning and do devotions though,and this is what i read...."turn to me and be gracious to me, for i am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish" Psalm 25:16-17. then in the devotional it said this: "remember, God's classroom is in session all day, every day of the year. and if we skip class, God comes looking for us. it's all part of his grace." WOW! He comes after ME! blew me away this morning. all i kept thinking is that i need to look beyond these waves of grief ..... not beneath or between them - just beyond them. not to NOT go through the waves, but just to keep my eyes beyond them and focused on HIM becuz He is truly THE ONLY way to get through these waves, not with time or by myself - only if He carries me through them. (i always HATED water!!) it was a time that God gave me this morning that has gotten me through today.

so today....it's ben's bday and i can honestly say that i have had a great day celebrating it with him so far. (his first ride on the penny pony at meijers - oh i wish you could have seen his face and heard his giggles!!!!) happy birthday ben-ben....you have been SUCH a blessing to me.

Lesson of the day: keep my eyes focused on my Father and He will carry me through every hill and every valley. wonderful reminder!

THIS TIME LAST YEAR....

2009-02-01T21:26:00.002-05:00

well....it's superbowl sunday and it brings back memories of last year at this time.
during the game i got up to go to the bathroom and all of the sudden my water broke! (or as andrew told all his friends the next day 'my mom's pipes broke last night!)
it brings back both such great memories and extremely difficult memories. i remember that i kept thinking that nothing could happen to ben (yes, we knew that he was a boy). i remember that it was only 3 short months prior to that that we went into a hospital for an entirely different reason - seth's accident. i remember that when we were in labor greg and i kept thinking it was 'playing out' the same way as seth's hospital stay. we went in one day, and left the next day. we went in on the 3rd and left on the 4th. we went into the hospital 3 months prior and left empty handed and broken hearted. last year at this time we left the hospital with ben in our arms and joyful....but still brokenhearted. i remember when the nurse was getting us ready to leave for home with ben that i just completely lost it. i should have been happier than i had been in the last 3 months and yet here i was just trying to get through the moment of seeing us leaving the hospital with no seth. how can such an amazing, beautiful, and life changing event be so heart breaking?

fast forward to today....and all i can do is weep for our son that isn't home with us here. all i can do is feel my heart breaking all over again. it's strange how you can just 'feel' it coming on. tears just under the surface. crying over nothing at all. why can't i just praise God for what He HAS given us - a beautiful son in ben? why do i look at ben and think that he'll never hear seth's voice, or play with his older brother, have seth teach him his basketball tricks, or even argue with him? how can i keep seth alive to ben and lydia? how can i keep seth alive for me and greg and the other kids. that's what i struggle with now....just how am i suppose to live in the present and yet still keep the past alive?

the other day i was so weepy because i kept thinking that we don't talk about him anymore. seth's name doesn't come up in conversation nearly as much as before. i just want to hear his name - hear the kids talk about him. remember the fun or annoying or silly things that he did. how do i know that the kids are doing ok? are they just moving on and grieving ok? is it healthy not to talk about him as much? it feels almost like seth dies again just a little bit each day when we don't talk about him. i was really down about that when the next morning luke and andrew were arguing whether or not the mittens that andrew was wearing were actually his. then i hear luke say 'no they're not, they're seth's not yours!' i heard his name!!!! i heard the boys say his name! my heart soared. such a gift from my Father - one that he just knew my mom's breaking heart needed at that moment. what amazingly beautiful gift.

so....it's almost the 4th - ben's first bday and 15 months since we had to say goodbye to seth. i think that our doctor who delivered ben said it in the most beautiful way. after ben had been born and as he was handing ben to me he said '3 months ago today you had to say goodbye to one son. today you get to say hello to another'. another goodbye where seth is concerned - another hello for ben. i love both of them dearly...more than i could ever put into words. and maybe, just maybe the birth of one will heal my heart from the death of the other. thank you Lord for both ben and seth - thank you for blessing my life with each and everyone of our children.

'WORKING' OR RETIREMENT

2009-01-27T13:19:00.003-05:00

i tell you what....the conversations that we have sometimes at the dinner table would just make you laugh. the other night was one of those occasions. i don't know how we got on the subject but caleb was giving us his idea of how he thought the rest of greg & my life would play out. he was in 'trouble' from the get go!!!

"in a few years dad will still be working, mom's already retired now, and then dad will join mom in retirement." he went on and on about something else and by the end we were living in cardboard boxes and then we lost our 'house-box' and we had to move in with him and his family.

i have some issues with his perceptions on our lives. 1) RETIREMENT???????? did he REALLY say RETIREMENT!?!?!?! and that i was ALREADY IN RETIREMENT???!?!?!?!?!?!! ooooohhhhh buddy......them's FIGHTEN' WORDS!!! retirement....tell ME i'm in RETIREMENT!!! tell me....i'll TELL you!!! :):):) 2.) that we are living in cardboard boxes. it doesn't give me much faith in him or his ability to aid in his aging parent's lives that we went so far as to be living in a cardboard box! and 3.) that it was ONLY when we lost our 1st home, then our 2nd 'home-box' that he was FINALLY willing to let us come and live with him.

so.....caleb received a life lesson from his mom. in my mind....i AM in retirement where HE'S concerned.....no meals, no laundry, no rides ANYWHERE, nothing.....nada.....zilch......zip. i'm interested in what he's going to say when his clothes hamper (which is overflowing mind you) is STILL in the laundry room - NOT DONE!!! boy, i'm going to milk this lesson for all its worth!!! hopefully by the end of this.....he'll KNOW what 'RETIREMENT' for a mom looks like!!! :):):)

MONKEY SEE MONKEY DO!

2009-01-16T13:04:00.005-05:00

i love, love, love tuesdays. these are the days that our niece emily gets to come and spend the day with us. emily is 1 week older than lydia and also from guatemala. it has been so fun watching these two beauties together!

they love running after each other around the circle of our house. i love hearing them giggle with each other and even watch them "fight" over a toy or two.

emily has started on the new venture of potty training. she is doing so well with it. at her house when she's finished she yells out to monica "mom, did it!" so emmie comes to auntie's house ......auntie puts her on the potty every hour or so. meanwhile lydia is standing by watching every minute of it. at one point i had taken emily off the toilet and turned my back for a few minutes getting her redressed. when i turn around what do i see but this.................

boy did i ever fall to pieces laughing!!! so...our little lydie thinks that going potty and taking a "bath" mean the same thing. at least she's coming along.....before this all she ever did was put her head in the toilet and come to us with dripping wet hair! she's now figured out which end of her body belongs where now - she's coming....slow but sure!!! :):)

JUST A SPARK

2009-01-06T08:27:00.008-05:00

so many hurting families are heavy on my heart these past few weeks. so many families experiencing their first holiday season/beginning of a new year without a loved one. they keep coming to my mind so often - especially during the night. i lay in bed unable to fall asleep and these families are brought to mind. so much sorrow, sadness, loneliness, aching hearts.....and hopefully for them just a little spark of hope. that's all that it takes....just a little spark.

sometimes grief is so encompasing that just a spark is all there is - and yet God says that's ok. our faith doesn't always have to be this full roaring fire (at least i pray it doesn't - since mine has been far from that)....it just needs a spark. you know it's like when you're building a bonfire and you just need a little flame to get a nice fire going? i think it's like that when you're going through a valley of grief. hang onto a spark of hope/faith and God will do the rest.

i think at times we feel like we need to do it all ourselves. we forget to tap into the power that's inside of us - the Holy Spirit. it's like he's in us begging us to just lean on him....we don't have to do all the work, in fact we CAN'T. we just need to 'bring to the table' a little spark of faith and the Spirit will ignite that spark and lead us out of this dark tunnel of grief.

so many people are on my heart....kristin s., kerry h., mary beth c., karen s., byker family, gortsema family, john & deb t., now most recently the travolta family. i hope that they all feel prayed over, loved upon, cared for.....i hope they have just a little spark that will again one day turn into a roaring fire for all to see - not for their own glory, but for the honor and glory of the One who provided it.

NEARING THE END....HOPEFULLY!!!

2008-12-31T00:01:00.003-05:00

so i'm pretty much reprimanded from our children for posting the picture on the previous post, therefore - for our sanity in our home, i've removed said picture (but if you really want to see it, my arm could be twisted to send it to you via email - shhhh, we won't share that with the kids! :))

so the flu bug continues in our home. sunday i came down with it. last night greg got caught with it for real this time and today gracie has fallen. she was TOTALLY bummed due to the fact that we were going to go to the mall with her friend and then onto her friend's house for new year's eve. pretty much a disasterous holiday season. i do have to look on the bright side of things.....

- we didn't lose electricty
- greg had scheduled vacation this week - COULDN'T have done the last two days without him!
-we didn't get any sewer back-up from last weeks melt down like other people in georgetown township (just a little more water in luke's bedroom....and a few days later some more water in the utility room from someone forgetting to shut off the laundry room faucet....we won't name names....he truly was trying to help!)
-we still are getting things crossed off greg's MEGA sized to-do list
-HOPEFULLY we're on the down swing with this bug
-andrew has proven once again (as of this writing) that he has a steel gut!!
-this w/e away with greg still looks promising (pray HHHAAARRRDDD! :) we NEED this w/e away together!!!

so tomorrow night - new year's eve - won't be sooo bad. we'll be together as a family - playing games/watching movies/eating snacks/watching the ball drop.....hopefully NO BUCKETS ALLOWED!!!!!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!! may 2009 be better than the ending of 2008!!! :):)

CHRISTMAS???? BAH HUMBUG!!!

2008-12-27T23:08:00.004-05:00

a picture is worth a thousand words....isn't that the saying? (*update - children wailed at seeing themselves like they were...begged me to remove it! :)) well...here is how we are spending our Christmas vacation - with everyone carrying their own buckets around. YUP.....the flu has hit.

first there was abby.....early, early Christmas morning. then there was luke - later on Christmas day. then we had a lull...thought we were in the clear.....washed enough hands, we thought.....were getting a little too confident that we had dodged a major bullet. BOY WERE WE WRONG!!!!! saturday came....everyone feeling fine - that is until around 4pm. this time? caleb... full force - poor kid! then at 7pm - ben succummed. by 8pm - greg is now in bed~!!!!!!

UGH!!!!!!! opened up all the windows. did MAJOR cleaning today. hands are raw....pure raw from washing. kids sick of hearing "when you pass a bathroom, wash your hands 5 times - soap and water!!!" grace is having empathy sickness. "i'm scared i'm gonna get it next mom!" didn't have the heart to say, 'yup, you're probably right!" andrew has always had this uncanny ability to bypass any illnesses and lydia is incredibly cranky. we're just chasing her around with a bucket since she won't be able to give us ANY forewarning. what is "i think i'm gonna get sick, mom?" in spanish?

so christmas here????? BA HUMBUG!!!!!!!!!

ANATOMY OF A SNOW DAY

2008-12-21T00:02:00.028-05:00

so the other day was our first official snow day. i was actually hoping for one....i'm ready for Christmas break, ready for a slower pace, no schedule, late nights, and sleeping in. i must have been feeling ill - ME wanting a snow day....WHAT WAS I THINKING???? i thought i'd give you a picture (or two) of what a snow day looks like at our house.

5:15am - awaken by an automated phone call from jps saying there is a snow day. turn off kid's

alarm clocks

6:00am - ben wakes up, needs changing and bottle

6:30am - ben STILL awake, put ben in bed with me so he doesn't wake everyone else up

7:30am - ben sawing logs, mom awake, andrew WIDE awake

8:00am - mom (tired and somewhat cranky...but determined to have a good day) up and

making monkey bread for the kids for breakfast (as ANY GOOD mom would do for

their children on a snow day.....ya right@!!!)

9:00am - everyone up, begging for a "no-chore-pajama-day"

9:30am - let the movie madness begin!!!

11:00am - pretty quiet.....too quiet.....where's lydia???? oh , lydie!!!!

11:02am - gracie cleaning up lydia's mess..

11:03am - lydia experiencing a time out!!

1:00pm - movie madness done...onto baking and playing wii

1:30pm - kids are getting antsy and cranky...TAKE IT OUTSIDE!

3:00pm - grace on the phone with her best friend planning their trip to the mall....CRAZY!!

4:00pm - witching hour has begun....but still doing ok....mom still has her hair

5:00pm - snow just doesn't stop.....

1st snow day done...all in all.....a pretty good day. we'll see what the next few days hold!

"IF YOU COULD FIND A ROCK"

2008-12-16T23:34:00.006-05:00

today was a hard one for me for some reason (maybe becuz i'm over tired...so WHY am i awake yet at 11:35pm?????) i was driving around picking up kids and getting to school for caleb's bball game when i kept hearing over and over in my head "honey, he's gone....honey, he's gone....honey, he's gone" oh how i wish i could just lose that memory! i'm sure another one would take it's place. i could tell tears were just under the surface for me all day....and i let them flow from the ride from my sister's house to school.....pulled over and just let it all out. it felt good in a way - not to hold it in....but in another way it just opened my heart scar just a little.

sunday night was our kid's christmas program - absolutely adorable!! when the kids were all sitting in the benches waiting to do their program i looked over at them all and suddenly it struck me....there's one less child in that group. one less seth. i looked over at seth's friend, grayden - who he'd always be by and saw a short little guy with the same color hair and the same height as seth. my heart skipped several beats wondering whether or not God was going to supply another one of His gifts to me.... He did - it was luke. of course it was luke!! he's looking SO MUCH like his older brother! what a gift and what a bittersweet moment.

at the end of the program i noticed something in our mailbox at church. i went to go and get it and didn't have a chance to look at it until we got home. it was a children's book called 'If you find a rock'. it's a beautiful book about stones.....seth stones. (he ALWAYS was looking for stones) i don't know who it was from, but they put his name in the space for "this book belongs to" along with a verse about God being our Rock. what this person didn't know was it is an amazing gift they gave us becuz one of the pictures in this precious book had a boy hanging onto a stone.....they are the EXACT hands that seth had. when i say exact....i mean the same bit off nails, the same grime under them, the same short stubby cute little fingers.....they were seth's hands. i will treasure this book for as long as i live, and when i have another day like today i just may pull this out and look at our little guy's hands and have sweet, sweet memories of our seffers.

JOY

2008-12-09T14:15:00.003-05:00

i don't understand....i don't get this grief stuff at times. at one minute i hate that i am constantly counting 8 kids and then remembering 'nope, only 7'...and then wishing for the time i would stop doing that. that is - until it happens. it happened i think for the first time last night. i was doing some Christmas shopping and getting the kids some stocking stuffers...counted out 7 and went on to the next thing at hand. it wasn't until coming home when i realized that i didn't even blink at getting 7 things and not 8....it happened - and i fell apart at the thought of it. did i truly just forget about seth? did i forget that i have one less child to buy for? did i forget the empty whole in my heart? it happened - and i hated myself for it. i don't get it...first i want one thing, thinking that then my heart won't hurt so badly and then when i get it - i don't want it any longer and my pain is still there. i'm so confused!! what AM i suppose to be feeling!?!?! what IS the right thought process?!?!?! am i suppose to live the rest of my life feeling down and counting 8 minus 1? or do i go on and just thinking of ourselves as having 7 children?

i know of a mom who when asked after losing her child 3 years prior 'have you ever experienced joy since your child's death?' and the mom replied with 'no, i haven't'. honestly....that scared me to death! if you know me at all i think i would describe myself as a joyful person - to not be able and experience joy again after losing seth...well, that would be like a totally different person for me. i was scared at that possibility. people would say 'oh, jolynn, you'll experience joy again - it'll just be a bittersweet joy'. well, no offense to that ( i know that they were just trying to be helpful)...but i don't want bittersweet joy....i want the WHOLE package!!! (how selfish is THAT thought!). i think God has taught me something in the past year regarding joy. in my mind - joy is way up here....bittersweet joy is a couple of notches below that. i think God is teaching me that the joy that He has blessed me with is not a bittersweet joy....just a different joy - same level as the previous joy, but just different (does that make ANY sense???) it's like your love of your children - the love is not greater for one than the other, just a different kind becuz they are different kids. i think that God wants me to learn that i do have joy in my life....it just looks different than before seth died.

my devotion this morning was on this very subject - it said "joy sometimes needs pain to give it birth. fanny crosby was a wonderful american hymn writer who lived from 1820-1915 and who wrote more than 2,000 hyms. yet she could never have written the beautiful words 'i shall see Him face to face' if not for the fact that she had never gazed upon green fields, evening sunsets, nor even the twinkle in her mother's eye. it was the loss of her own vision that helped her to gain her remarkable spiritual discernment and insight. It's comforting to know that sorrow stays only for the night and then takes its leave in the morning. and a thunderstorm is very brief when compared to a long summer day. remember, 'weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning' "

joy sometimes needs pain to give it birth....hmmmm. i guess the joy that God has given me now wouldn't have been possible if not for the fact that seth is with Him now and not with us. i didn't think anything good could have come out of losing seth...i MAY just be getting some glimpses of it now. doesn't make the pain go away - i guess i'm just trying to live with this new kind of joy. thank you, Lord...for yet another gift this Christmas.

MAKING MEMORIES

2008-11-28T23:05:00.019-05:00

let Christmas begin......

we started putting up the Christmas decorations including the kid's tree upstairs. this tree is one that we put all the kid's ornaments they've made throughout the years. it's a colaboration of paper/paper mache/pictures/and any other adorable ornament they've made in school. this year we let the kids take charge of it...from start to finish (with just a little help along the way..)

so i just wanted to give you a glimpse into the Christmas spirit at our home....

LUKE: that's not the part that goes first

CALEB: get outta my way, i think i know what

i'm doing!

MOM: boys.....

ANDREW: can i have this ornament for my tree?

MOM: yes

LUKE: i'm going to put the branches down now

CALEB: stop it stupid....they don't go down yet until we screw in these screws to tighten

the tree down!

MOM: boys...

ANDREW: can i have this ornament for my tree?

MOM: sure

GRACE: i don't think that works like

that...the cords have to go together in

order for the lights to go on

CALEB: no duh

LUKE: i'm going to put the branches down now

ABBY: look mom, my ornament from kindergarten!

GRACE: can i have this ornament for my tree?

MOM: sure

ANDREW: i made this one in 1st grade

LUKE: no you didn't I made that one

ANDREW: nuh huh...i made it

LUKE: did not

ANDREW: did too

MOM: boys!!!!!!.....

GRACE: my christmas tree is going to look so cool

ABBY: so is mine

CALEB: where's that one tree that light's up on the ends,mom....can i have that one?

MOM: sure

LUKE: but i wanna have one too...which one can i have

MOM: we'll find you one, bud

ANDREW can i have this ornament mom?

MOM: sure

LUKE: look i'm a professional juggler (as we watch him throw 2 ornaments up in the air and

step on a third)

MOM: pick up the broken pieces, luke!

CALEB: (putting about 16 ornaments all in the same area)

GRACE: caleb...you need to separate these ones

CALEB: you do it then!

ABBY: look mom...i found seth's kindergarten ornament!

MOM: yea, look at how little he looks!

ANDREW: can i have this ornament mom

MOM: sure honey (wondering at this point WHERE he's going to put all those ornaments!)

ABBY: i want this rope thing mom (beaded strand)

LUKE: no i want it

GRACE: what are YOU gonna do with it?

MOM: merry christmas, merry, merry christmas from your favorite kmart store!

ABBY: did you just make that up?

MOM: nope, it used to be a commercial when i was growing up

LUKE: that sounds like a really old commercial

MOM: thanks, luke!

CALEB: good goin' butthead

LUKE: yea, like you know what you're talking about

CALEB: more than you

LUKE: well....

MOM: BOYS!!!!

DAD: are you guys just about done so we can get this picture done? ben is getting way cranky

down here!

MOM: just about done!

GRACE: we are no where close to being done, yet dad (said in unison with mom!)

GRACE: i get lydia out of bed when we're done for the picture!

ABBY: no way...i'm gonna!

GRACE: you got her out from her nap!

ABBY: no i didn't that was yesterday!

MOM: girls!!

.....ABOUT 20 MINUTES LATER......

GRACE: we're done mom.......whadya think?

MOM: i think it's just perfect!

ABBY: so do i

LUKE: i think it's the most beautiful tree ever

ANDREW: mom, can i have this ornament for my tree

mom: sure

CALEB: not bad....for our first time!

MOM: you guys did great!

(notice abby hanging onto seth's

kindergarten ornament)

so...this is how we started our Christmas season....i hope that we're just a normal family trying to make memories with our kids. when everything and everyone had calmed down i went up to look at the tree closer and found this....i think purposefully placed...........caleb had hung his kindergarten ornament right next to seth's. took away all the "bad" of the night and just reminded me that we are all still family. through all the arguments, non-encouraging words, and always having the last word....we're all still family - whether here together on earth or apart from us in Heaven.

Merry Christmas everyone.....God's blessings

QUIET TIMES

2008-11-24T00:38:00.004-05:00

i shouldn't be awake yet.....it's almost 1 am and here i am.....i hate nights like this. i hate going to bed without greg. he's at the hospital...catching a baby....and i'm here not wanting to go to bed - not wanting my mind to wander to places i don't want them to go. it's these quiet times that i dread the most....times when seth seeps in and my heart hurt comes back - in full swing.

the other day there was the most magnifiscent rainbow that i've seen in a very long time!

we got all the kids to come and see the double rainbow. we were just all looking out the window when one of the kids asked "i wonder if seth can see rainbows in Heaven?" wow....what a great question! it just proves to me that seth isn't just far from my heart....but from his brother and sister's hearts as well. it was good to hear them talk about him.

luke came home the other week with something put up inside his shirt. he came to me right away from the bus and said, "mom, can i talk to you privately?" so we went into our room and he pulls out a broken recorder (o the joys of hearing 4th grade recorder players!). it was in 2 pieces. "wow, bud, looks like ya did a number on your recorder!" "i just dropped it mom" "well, it doesn't look like it would break like that if you just dropped it....let's try the truth this time". to which tears well up in his eyes and fall quickly down his cheeks. "i was playing like it was a light saber and it flew outta my hands and broke" i told him it sounded like an accident and that it was no big deal we'd just get him another one (with of course him paying for it!!:)) i thought that was the end of it, but he just started crying harder...."you don't get it mom.....it was seth's recorder!!!" oh, buddy!! he was thoroughly crushed that he broke his brother's recorder. i tried to make light of the situation and told him that seth probably wouldn't care right now. luke then said that he thought that seth probably had a new one anyway in Heaven and that it probably was "gold plated with diamonds all over it". great imagination, luke!! i said that we could just put it in seth's trunk - that seemed to suffice him......again......seth is always just under the surface.

it's strange.....there was a wonderful Christian man who served on jenison christian's school board with greg. he just passed away yesterday from cancer. all i can think about is his family first, but then strange thoughts of.....i wish i could have told steve to make sure and find seth and tell him how much we love and miss him. greg called it "Heaven's postal service". a few months ago a dear, dear sweet man from our church passed away at a wonderful age of around 93. andy and his wife alyda were in our Bible study for years with us. such an amazing couple they are. i remember the last time i spoke with andy. i told him that i thought that this would be the last i'd see him this side of Heaven. he agreed. i remember leaning up to say good bye to him and whispered in his ear "please give seth a hug from his mom".....my dear friend mustered all the strength he could to cup his huge soft hands around my face and whispered back "it'll be one of the first things i do when i get there".....Heaven's postal service.....so silly. i KNOW that i can just ask God to do those things, but it's just the fact of knowing in person someone that'll be seeing him soon....brings seth a little closer to my heart. boy, do i miss him so........i wish i could just give him a hug myself...............someday.

these quiet times are good and bad......good becuz it's so quiet and i can get alot done, and bad becuz i have too much "mind wandering time" on my hands. dear Lord, give seth a hug for me...and tell him i love him....

WELCOME TO THE FAMILY....

2008-11-17T15:30:00.007-05:00

yesterday we baptized lydia into our family of God. what a day. you know, i think that since seth died - days like yesterday are more precious to me.....sweeter.....and yet at the same time - bittersweet. will i ever be able to sit in that front bench at church and NOT think of the day we had to say goodbye? yesterday was such a special day.....so why do i have to 'ruin' it in my mind by thinking of the one that's no longer here? caleb, grace, abby, luke, and andrew sang 'welcome to the family' to lydia. caleb was able to hold lydie - they all did such a great job....we were SO proud of them! and then there were the few moments when i thought to myself....there's one missing - another gaping big hole. why do i have to that? we have been blessed so dearly with 7 healthy, wonderful (most of the time! :)) children....when will i be able to see those 7 and not the one missing?

don't get me wrong....it wasn't a terrible day, actually it was a great day - it's just those few times when seth seeps into my mind when i get sad....when i miss him more than usual. i wish that i could think of him and be happy rather than sad. maybe time will give that to me someday. until then....i will cherish the one while enjoying the 7.

i wish i knew how to download the video from yesterday when the kids were singing to lydia. it was so precious. we gave caleb a pocketful of fruit snacks to give her if she got antsy.....i think he may have gone through the entire pocket! :) while she was being baptized abby had snuck up some fruit snacks with her (probably more for herself than for anyone else!!! :)).....thankfully!!! lydia got just a little antsy and so abby started giving her them....until she turned around and mouthed "i only got one left!!!" to which i then saw abby giving lydia little BITS of fruit snacks...it was so sweet!!

we were so proud of them....proud of the family we now have. is it right to be proud at times like that? i'm not sure. all i know is that yesterday was one of those days that, like mary, i will ponder and treasure them in my heart forever....so welcome to the family lydia.....welcome home!

BROTHERLY LOVE

2008-11-10T10:17:00.003-05:00

brotherly love is alive and well in our home......NOT!!! luke and andrew tend to "push each other's buttons" frequently, but last night it hit a new level. i had to stay at home last night from church becuz ben was extremely cranky and teething, so luke, andrew, lydia, ben and i were here. luke and andrew had started playing connect 4 when it hit........'brotherly love' at it's best.

competition between those two is always high, but when playing connect 4.....we need to be around in the nearby vacinity otherwise bad, bad things happen. this time was no exception. andrew has a tendency to either cheat horribly, or take FOREVER taking his turn when he knows he's going down....which irritates luke to NO END!! this time.....andrew took forever. he couldn't move anywhere without having luke win - and that didn't set well with andrew AT ALL. (there have been times where andrew will push the lever over just to make the checkers fall before he has to cave in and lose!!!) well....andrew finally made his move - he chucked 2 checkers at luke's head and started yelling at him and if you know luke - he didn't take that sitting down. in fact after the first few checkers thrown at him, luke dove over the game and started tackling him rubbing his head into the carpet. legs were flying....arms were pinched....faces were slapped.....and i was just in the kitchen!! after getting them off each other i sent them both to their rooms to cool off.

it was about 20 minutes later that i let them outta their 'respective corners'. luke came out first and i told him that the only way that they both were going to be let out was to apologize to each other. to which i received a very angry "BUT I DIDN'T START IT!!!!!".........back to his room. meanwhile i could hear andrew coming out of his room and start sitting on the steps. he was quite amazed when he heard his mom call up to him "andrew back in your room until i call you!" andrew called back "how'd you know i was on the steps!?!?!?" i replied............"mom's know EVERYTHING!!!"

before i finally let them out i told both of them that they'd have to apologize. here's andrew sitting on the steps "come here, luke....i'll apologize first!!! come here, i want outta here!!! get over here!!!!" meanwhile luke is just going as slow as humanly possible up the stairs - just to get andrew's goat. brotherly love.....alive and well!

HAPPY HEAVEN BIRTHDAY, SEFFERS!!

2008-11-04T22:00:00.005-05:00

today finally came. it's done. all over. our year of firsts is finished. and can i say......thank you, Lord for this year. i NEVER thought that i could get to this side of losing a child and say thank you.....thank you, Lord for getting us through it. thank you all for praying us through this past year. we especially felt them today. i awoke with a peace that washed through the secret parts of me.....a peace that passed understanding. i think that our "tidal wave of grief" came over us this passed weekend and we're just now re-surfacing and seeing the sun shine again.

a dear friend of mine emailed me last week encouraging me to see myself as moses. remember the story.....moses needed to keep his arms raised in order for the israelites to win the battle and he began to get very tired, exhausted, and i'm sure....wanting to give up. then along came his family and friends telling him that they'd hold his arms up for him when he couldn't any longer. you all have been that to us - holding our arms up....encouraging us to keep going - and for that we will be eternally grateful. it's such a beautiful picture of people loving people enough to go through a storm with each other....just to help them get through. we've heard many of you tell us that you mourn with us for seth. you miss seth just as we do. you laugh at the memories you have of him. i'm not sure if any of you will EVER understand what it means to us when you tell us that....it's like you are trying to keep him alive as much as we are....again, eternally grateful.

i know how awkward it is at times for you all when you see me, greg, or the kids....'do we ask them how they're doing?' 'maybe it'll just be too hard for them to hear seth's name' ' we don't want to say anything wrong'. we understand those feelings and worries....we've been there too. please, let me just say....i LOVE hearing seth's name. i LOVE hearing that you still think about him. i LOVE when you say that you're still thinking and praying for us. like abby just told me yesterday "mom, i don't mind them bringing up seth...sometimes i'm going to be sad and sometimes i'm going to be ok." out of a 10 year old's mouth! so please, never stop reminding us how much you're missing our boy.....because we're all in the same boat on that storm.

greg shared with me his devotion that he had the other day.....it was just for us, as if God was speaking directly to our hurting hearts. "Why shouldn't we go through heartbreaks? through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son. (fellowship with Jesus!!! - i am so honored to be in His presence!) Most of us fall and collapse at the first grip of pain; we sit down on the threshold of God's purpose and die away of self-pity, and all so called Christian sympathy will aid us to our death bed. But God will not. (i LOVE the next sentence - absolutely BEAUTIFUL!) He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, and says - "enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine (like the stars in the Heavens!!!) If through a broken heart God can bring His purposes to pass in the world, then thank Him for breaking your heart." arise and shine, people!!! :) like the stars of the heavens! WOW!! how cool was that!!

God is so very close to us....if we just let Him in. if we just go to Him - He wants to fellowship with ME! WOW! THAT is how i can say today, on this first heaven birthday of our son.....thank you, Lord. thank you for letting us rest in Your arms. thank you for holding us so close and telling us that we WILL get through this. peace. one that passes ALL understanding.

today was a good day. greg stayed home, kids all decided to go to school (even andrew!:)). we dropped off lydie and ben to marcy's house (thank you!!! thank you!!! thank you!!!) and we went out to breakfast (of course, the only place a crc couple go to - russ') and sat for hours talking. just us. no interruptions. just me and my hero. we then left and did our civic duty and voted. and then went to the cemetary. can i suggest to anyone the most beautiful place in the fall is georgetown's cemetary. absolutely breathtaking. it was such a gorgeous day - thank you, Lord for that! we sat at seth's stone and talked about bringing him home from russia, about how he could WHINE - oh, how that child could WHINE!. we talked about what we miss most about him, about how each of the kids are doing, and how amazing God has helped us through this year.

then i got to go get some pampering. greg had scheduled a facial and pedicure for me and my dear, dear friend. i was so pampered (anyone wanting/needing to get pampered - MGB in grandville is THE place to do it!!) i felt so relaxed. it was wonderful. we then picked up the kids from school and took them to ihop - yes, ihop. it was one of seth's favorite restaurants. half way through the meal we realized that we should have ordered a platter full of sausages!!! seth LOVED, LOVED, LOVED sausages....it was quite strange - he even wrote about them!!! boys!

we were going to take the ones who wanted to go to the cemetary there, but we ran out of sunlight, so we'll do that tomorrow. all in all ..... a very sweet, tender day.

last year at this time, when we had to finally say goodbye to seth, the wonderful nurses in the PICU gave us our 'seth bracelets'. one for each of us. we all wore them. wore them until they wore out - and then we restrung them again and again. so for today and greg's bday (on thursday - say happy bday if you see him!! :)) i got us both more permanent matching seth bracelets (picture uptop again - UGH!!!) when we got home i went and cut off my other seth bracelet. i kissed it 3 times like i always do (i would ask seth for a kiss, he'd give me one. i'd ask for another one, he'd reluctantly give me one. and then i'd ask for a 3rd to which i'd get a 'muuuuuummmmm', but he'd always comply. i'd tell him that i had to get 3 kisses from him to make up for the first 5 years when i didn't have him!). so i kissed my seth bracelet 3 times and then cut it off. it was HUGE for me. it sounds so strange....for pete's sake it's just a bracelet! but it felt as if i was looking ahead to a new chapter. never giving up on the previous ones... NEVER, EVER forgetting them, just going ahead with the new ones. it felt good. it felt as if God was telling me....he's still alive, he's just with Me for now. so happy heaven birthday, seffers....i can't wait to see you blow out your candles - TOGETHER someday.

I REMEMBER.....

2008-11-02T20:15:00.007-05:00

oh when will this day end? it was a hard, difficult day. going to church this morning was terribly hard. we had flowers in front in honor of seth's "first Heaven bday"..... i didn't see anything but those flowers from a year ago. so many beautiful flowers. we were so overwhelmed by the outpouring of love. we were overwhelmed today as well. it's hard for me to stop my mind from doing the "this time last year game". this time last year we were being told that seth was in a car accident, being brought into this little room with a chaplain running to be by our side, being told by a friend of greg's (another physician who graciously went with seth in the ambulance to evaluate him) all of seth's injuries. i remember greg kneeling in front of me saying "honey, he's gone". i remember being so very confused that right after that they ushered us back to see seth and them telling us to talk to him that he may hear us. i remember thinking that seth was always so scared...how horribly terrified he must have been (looking back....he was already Home at that point - no fear any more)

i remember our parents and family and friends coming to the hospital to be by our side while we waited for seth's body to finally stop. i remember stroking seth's hands and kissing them over and over and smelling them thinking that i want to never forget that smell. i remember seeing his dirty little fingers and thinking 'oh i just want them to move, please move them buddy, tell me you're still here with us!' i remember singing to him and others singing with us. i remember how wonderful the nurses were to us that night. i remember it being daylight savings time and thinking that i have to endure one extra hour of waiting to say good-bye. and then greg's brother telling me that we had one more hour to spend with seth.

i remember talking with the gift of life guy. him taking us back to another little room. sitting there talking over how we could possibly help someone else and thinking that some family somewhere was on the verge of getting 'their call'. i remember him asking to 'give him 24 more hours so that they could harvest more organs and greg and i saying that we just couldn't do another day....we needed to get to the kids and tell them that seth was gone. i remember going back to the room to tell our family our decision to try and harvest at least his kidneys and eyes. oh how i wanted his eyes to continue on.....he had THE most beautiful eyes - they truly were windows to his soul. i remember after telling everyone we asked to have a circle prayer. people prayed and i remember thinking during the entire prayer....this can't be happening - he's going to be alright, he's going to sit up and jokingly tell us 'haha - i tricked you all!' i remember thinking that we need to know that we could glorify God even in the midst of our worst nightmare. i remember singing the doxology after that prayer.... 'praise God from whom all blessings flow....praise Him all creatures here below....praise Him above the Heavenly host...praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost' . i pray that we WERE able to glorify Him.

i remember saying goodbye. through sobs and tears telling seffers goodbye. our pastors and wife had come with us and one of them did the MOST beautiful thing for our boy. we all prayed and then they laid their hands on seth's head and blessed him....i don't know why it touched me so, but it was the most beautiful thing they could have done at that moment. i remember leaving seth's room and going to the waiting room and collapsing into a chair. it was so surreal...i could hear everyone around me, but i wasn't there....i was numb. i left in a wheelchair. i remember getting to the van and looking back at the door just as someone was entering the hospital with 2 white containers and someone shouting out 'we're bringing in the two kidney pods!' and thinking they were for seth....our boy....our little seffers. i was numb.

i remember sleeping all the way to allendale where the kids were at mom and dad's and that as soon as we hit the driveway i was given the strength that could only have been from God Himself. i remember abby meeting me at the door to the van asking with terror filled eyes 'mom, did seth die' and me saying that we needed to go and have our family meeting inside with everyone. we were surrounded by our family....we needed to have them there just in case the kids needed more help than we could offer. i remember greg and i and the kids sitting in a circle on the floor and me telling them that seth WAS in a car accident and that he broke both his legs, his arm, that he alot of his organs inside were hurt, but that most of all his head was really hurt badly and that seth got his new room today. to which andrew answered "I want a new room" "no honey, seth died today". how could i have just told them that? this was all so terribly, terribly wrong. it was a time for us - our family - to just sob over losing seth. the kids had alot of questions....mostly about the accident, but also some heavy Heaven questions. i was so glad that we had family surrounding us.....they truly were lifting us up and helping us through the most difficult times in our lives. i truly believe that God was right there in that room....crying right along with us - and at the same time giving us the strength to be strong for the kids.

i remember greg and i and the kids all sleeping together in the living room for the first week - we didn't want them going to bed and just think. i remember family being at our house the entire week - i LOVED that.... i didn't want to have a quiet house. they were all together making the seth stars we handed out at the funeral, sharing sweet memories, holding each of us up. i remember the next day - monday - having to go to the funeral home. we had our parents go with us....how could we make these decisions? obituary, service bulletins, visitation hours, horrible decisions. i remember going to the floral shop to pick out the flowers. brian and amy took care of us in such a loving way. i honestly can say that it was in the middle of hudsonville floral where i finally let it go. how absolutely embarrassing and yet i felt God's love through them.....such a gift. i remember going to the cemetary to pick out a plot - what a joke....how do you pick out a piece of land to place our son's body? it was so bitter cold and windy - fit the situation. i remember going to school afterwards. once again being completely surrounded with God's love by the teacher's there. we wanted to ask the upper deck to sing at seth's funeral - they did such a beautiful job.....we will FOREVER be grateful to them for that. i remember going home and collapsing. how did i get through that day? ONLY by the grace of God.

i remember so many times when we felt the grace of God. from the overwhelming outpouring of people visiting, to the ladies at school providing food during the visitations, making it through the funeral. i truly didn't think i could....again ONLY by the grace of God. my friend, chariss, was taking pictures throughout that week. i wanted to share 2 that were so beautiful...they NEED to be shared.....(bugger....i can't get them to move down here - they're uptop). both our brother's taking such care of our boy...i love to see the beautiful trees in the background - just a reminder of God's faithfulness.

i know some may be thinking.....how could she share these memories....shouldn't they be saved just for their family? i don't think of it that way.....i needed to share so that if anyone is EVER asked by God to give up something they NEVER thought they could - i want you to know that our God DOES and WILL give you the strength to survive....through family and friends praying you to stay in your 'grace bubble' - you WILL make it through. we're not alone....God is truly carrying us and there is NO sweeter place than to be in the arms of God. we've experienced that this past year.....seth experienced that almost a year ago today. we've almost made it through this first year - and we can honestly say....God IS good - all the time.

HUGS

2008-10-30T15:04:00.005-04:00

last year at this time greg & i were getting ready to go away for the weekend. a very NEEDED weekend away. we were going with his brother and wife for our yearly weekend together. i was so excited....time with greg, no kids, adult conversation, just a time to relax. never in my wildest dreams did i know that the next day when i would be bringing the kids to where they needed to be i would be saying goodbye to seth for the last time. i remember it like it was yesterday. i brought the girls and luke over to mom and dad's in allendale - as usual seth and luke were arguing in the van on the way there. i remember losing my cool and yelling at them to stop. oh if i could just take those words back now. i didn't want seth's last words from me to be angry ones. i never dreamed they would be.

as we were leaving our house (caleb, seth, and andrew stayed back with our babysitter - keri....she is a JEWEL!) we were saying goodbye to the boys. we had gotten them some movies to watch and andrew and caleb were setting them up to start watching their "marathon".....but it was seth that hung back to say goodbye. i think back to that moment now and wonder - did God allow him the insight to say goodbye? i think actually it was a gift more for us than for him. i hugged him and tried to grab a kiss from him and got his usual 'fight' to not give a kiss. "stop, mum!! ugghhhh!" and then his infectious sweet little raspy laugh. i actually had forgotten that moment all together up until a few hours ago. i've tried all year to remember the last time i said goodbye to him and couldn't remember.....yet another gift. greg did his usual 'tickle-him-down-until-he-caved' hug. "i don't give, dad, i don't give" laughing so hard he was probably peeing his pants just a little! :) greg knew his tickle spot and used it mercilessly.....another gift.

and then we said goodbye. oh how i ache to run back a give one last hug....one last kiss. oh how i ache to hold him one last time. to hear his voice again. i'm not sure if i've ever written about the last time i DID hear his voice. it was actually last summer....some may not believe this story, but my mother's heart chooses to believe that God can provide anything that we need. i was out on the deck early in the morning trying to do my devotions. the one for the day was about listening to God and if you're not hearing Him you're not listening enough...not quiet enough. so here i am sitting in this chair, eyes closed repeating to myself "think on Him, think on Him, think on Him" then they came..... "hi, mum" "i wonder what i'm going to fix for supper tonight?" "hi, mum" "boy did greg look GOOD this morning going to work!:)" "hi, mum" "i wish that i wouldn't be eating so horribly right now" "hi, mum"....... all of these phrases coming to me and each time i would just say over "think on Him, think on Him, think on Him" (those of you who know me know that my mind can go in about a million different directions at the same time!). but the phrase that kept coming back at least 5 different times was "hi, mum" i was hearing seth. i thought to myself that i was just saying that to myself, but after the 5th time i thought that maybe, just maybe God was allowing this to happen so i let my mind go....

"hi, mum" oh, buddy i miss you so much! "i say hi to ya every day mum!" oh, seffers, and every day i end each and every one of my prayers with ....and give seth a hug from us and tell him we love him" to which i heard as CLEAR as if he were alive and saying out loud to me "i KNOW mum" like....would you PLEASE stop asking that becuz it's bugging me!!! :) but the sweetest part of this time that God gave me was as i was sitting there.....eyes closed and soaking in my conversation with our little guy....i literally FELT him crawl on my lap and sit there giving me a hug.....one last time. it could have been abby right there on my lap - that's how real it felt! do i believe that God could enable seth to give me one last hug.....you bet i do. (and i KNOW that seth is in Heaven becuz he would have NEVER willingly give me a hug!! :)) do i believe it truly happened? my mom's heart needs to believe that it happened......another gift.

today is a sweeter day.....a bittersweet day, not such a heavy one. i'm thankful for that. i'm thankful that i can hold on to the promise that i WILL see our seffers again and i WILL be able to hug him again. i dream about that time alot. until then.....Lord, give our seth a hug for us and tell him we love him. (no, buddy....i'll never stop praying that prayer)

I CHOOSE......

2008-10-27T15:36:00.002-04:00

at the times when i feel the most alone....God surprises me again and again. this morning ben woke up at 5am. i fed him and then couldn't get back to sleep. i sat down with my Bible crying out to God saying "give me something. give me anything. just make this pain end. make it go away." and He delivered - boy did He deliver (why am i so surprised? He never ceases to amaze me) He gave me this verse: Psalm 71: 20-21 "though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. you will increase my honor and comfort me once again." i've written this to so many people who are going through trials, but today i read it with new eyes. today it was for me - only for me. 'you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.' that's exactly where i feel - in a deep dark pit. but i choose to cling to His promise of restoring my life. i choose to cling to Him. i choose to press on..............

HEART HURT

2008-10-26T21:36:00.003-04:00

the heaviness has really taken me by surprise. i can't explain it except.....heaviness. it feels as if a huge weight is on top of me pushing down and making my heart just hurt. it just feels heavy - grief does. i don't know if that makes any sense, but it's the only word that describes my mood lately. the pain of losing seth is so overwhelming at times....it's just heavy. i was telling a friend that i see myself on one mountain and i need to get to another one, but the chasm that i have to go through to get there is just too great.....the pain to much.....the energy in order to get there - i just don't have. i can so relate to David when he cried out to God "how long o Lord, how long?" it feels as if it's been forever.

i just wish nov 4 would come and go. be done with it. get it behind us. i'm hoping that this is the hard part and that the actual day isn't as bad as what i'm imagining....at least that's what people have said....that's what i'm hoping and praying for.

God has blessed me so much with greg. he's such an amazing husband...puts up with me when i can't put up with myself. he just sits and holds me and lets me cry....i am so very blessed. i just hope that i am there for him.

WAVES

2008-10-21T23:34:00.010-04:00

whoever said that grief was like waves hit the mark......dead on. it's just the intensity of those waves that surprise me at times. there are those little "ankle biter" waves - times when i think of seth and have a bittersweet memory of him. and there are those times when they are tidal waves. a tidal wave hit this morning.....head on.

abby and luke were going on a field trip today and they were going to be outside most of the day so they were going to need their hats/mittens. luke was looking through the baskets of them and proceeded to dump them all out looking for a pair (lovely.....let the winter ritual of losing mittens begin already!). he grabbed a pair and ran off for the bus - leaving behind of course a mess of mittens and hats. i sat down to start sorting them all ...... then is when i saw it......seth's royal blue detroit lions hat. it was the hat he ALWAYS wore in the winter. (see above picture....i couldn't get it to move down here) i could see him in it. i could hear him complain that he had to wear a hat again. i could smell him. i just want to see him in it again!!!!

grief IS like waves.......some you're able to breathe through.......and others you just feel as if you're drowning. my sister emailed me a beautiful verse in Isaiah 41: 10, 13 "so do not fear, for i am with you; i will strengthen you and help you; i will uphold you with my righteous right hand. for i am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; i will help you". it's such a beautiful picture of never being alone - even when it feels like you are. i like the part where He says that He will not only help me, but strengthen me. i don't feel strong today....but i have a hope that one day that strength WILL come and i pray that God alone will be glorified for it. today's tidal wave?......i felt like i was drowning....like i couldn't breath.....like i didn't want to do this 'grief' stuff any more....but i wasn't drowning. i see that now. God was breathing for me....breathing into me a new strength. strength that will get me through the next wave and the next and the one after that. to GOD be the glory!!! amen and amen.

IT'S COMING....

2008-10-19T22:38:00.003-04:00

i know it is. i feel that it is. i hear that it is. i know that the 4th is coming .....and i'm dreading it as much as i was dreading seeing seth for the last time. i can just physically feel it coming. tears are just below the surface. patience with the kids is gone because i'm so on edge. i'm so very tired - always so tired. it's that emotional tiredness. that grief tiredness. i'm so scattered and yet so focused on what's coming in the weeks ahead.

it's still the little things that catch you off guard that hurt the most. little things like shoes. a few weeks ago we were sitting in church. we've now put lydia and ben in the nursery. i love that and i hate that. i love it because i can get something out of the services again and i hate it because we're back to just 5 kids in the bench with us. it was this one Sunday when i looked down at the boys on the other side of greg and saw only 3 sitting there again, but this time luke had his feet up on the pew in front of us and he was wearing seth's old shoes. i physically gasped and then sat forward to peer on the other side. i don't know what i was looking for....did i count wrong, was seth really there and this was all just a horrible, horrible nightmare? little things like shoes brings it all back to the surface for me.

and yet it's in church where i feel such peace. this morning was a perfect example of how our family at church has come around us and grieved with us....they making sure that we know we're not doing this alone. greg was at home this morning since he was up all night catching babies. so the kids and i went....me and the 5 kids sitting in the pew. i was doing just fine until we sang amazing grace. the last verse has always choked me up...."when we've been there ten thousand years. bright shining as the sun." this time, though, i fell apart.... just a little bit. so here i am trying not to make a scene and yet feeling so alone without greg and all of the sudden i feel a hand on my shoulder from a dear 'sister' of mine. a few minutes later another hand, this time with a much needed hanky. it reminded me of my grandma's hanky's - it was almost as if grandma was there encouraging me and telling me that she was not only with me right there, but telling me that seth was ok too. i can so picture grandma with seth. i picture that the day seth entered Heaven - grandma would have been one of the first to meet him i'm sure. she'd cup his face with her hands and tell him "welcome Home, sweetie, i'm your momma's grandma and i'm so glad to finally hold ya myself!" (i wish you all could have known my grandma.....an absolute beautiful soul). all from a silly little hanky. our family...our Ridgewood family surrounding us with their love yet again. we are so very blessed.

the other day i had a devotion that was just the picture of our grief. "james vernon mcgee says that when a shepherd seeks to lead his sheep to better grass up the winding, thorny mountain paths, he often finds that the sheep will not follow him. they fear the unknown ridges and the sharp rocks. the shepherd will then reach into the flock and take a little lamb on one arm and another on his other arm. then he starts up the precipitous pathway. soon the two mother sheep begin to follow, and afterward the entire flock. thus they ascend the tortuous path to greener pastures. so it is with the Good Shepherd. sometimes he reaches into the flock and takes a lamb to himself. he uses the experience to lead his people, to lift them to new heights of commitment as they follow the little lamb all the way home." i pray that that is happening. we've told the kids several times in this last year that for some reason God had this happen in their lives. we don't understand it yet, but maybe someday they will. seth's death will have shaped their lives in such a way as to hopefully bring glory and honor to God. that's my biggest prayer....that through all of this pain that we've endured - that God is glorified. i remember saying that in the hospital a year ago. i needed to know that we could glorify God even when He chooses to take a child back. i needed to know that I could glorify God so that way i know that my faith was secure.....was true. what selfish thinking that is! i was worried about my faith. when will i ever get this right?

it's coming......the 4th is. people have asked what we're going to do. i'm not sure. i don't know what's the RIGHT thing. i don't think there IS a right thing. all i know is that i pray in whatever we do we will be able to honor seth and glorify God in such a way as to make them both proud.

KIDS SAY THE SWEETEST THINGS

2008-10-14T19:22:00.001-04:00

i've never posted twice in one day before, but the kids said the sweetest thing tonight while cleaning up from supper. luke was playing peek-a-boo with ben and he said that "ben is the best player of that game ever, mom!" to which andrew answered "yea....he wins every time!" oh i just LOVE what they come up with at times!!

MUSICAL ROOMS

2008-10-14T12:29:00.007-04:00

some of you may know us well enough to know that we have had multiple different bedroom arrangements in our home....it just takes us about 5 years to finally figure out which one works the best!!! when we moved into our house we had 4 bedrooms upstairs (still do) one being a larger one. then about 2 1/2 years ago greg and his dad finished off 2 more bedrooms downstairs. i had a friend ask me once about every arrangement we had and at the end of the conversation i had to just laugh.....we spend more time moving these kids' STUFF around than we do enjoying them where they're at!!! so, let me give you a little look into the "van wienen's house of musical rooms".

BR #1: flag room - due to red, white, and blue colors.....upstairs
BR #2: frog room - due to the rain forest frogs making their way onto the
walls.......upstairs
BR #3: flower room - used to be the play room and now since has become the flower
room for obvious reasons.......upstairs
BR #4: the big room - no real cutesy name...........upstairs
BR #5: sports room - becuz of the inability to even SEE the colors of the walls due to
the vast number of sports posters plastered all over!.......downstairs
BR#6: the water room - becuz it's been flooded at least 4 times in the last year
(ENTIRELY different story!)......downstairs

as mentioned before #5 and #6 just entered the equation 2 1/2 years ago....so begins our story...

BR #1: Caleb - promised for him before we even started building
BR #2: Seth & Luke - lasted for an EXTREMELY short period of time. something about not
wanting to hear about "seth is wearing my underwear AGAIN" or
"luke is stealing ALL of my stuff!"
BR#3: play room for the same EXTREMELY short period of time. became seth's room and the
toys were banished to the basement
BR#4: grace and abby - living together in utter harmony (although i'm sure there were fights -
they were just over powered by the boys!)

ENTER............ANDREW

BR #1: caleb and andrew - since caleb went to russia with us and we thought andrew would
know him the best. right AND wrong! putting a 4 year old in with a 3rd grader turned
out to be one of our not so good decisions......
BR#2: luke and andrew - even WORSE decision than putting andrew with caleb!!! talk about
2 personalities that DO NOT mesh!

DECISION TO ADD MORE ROOMS......for familial survival

BR#1: luke - since he wanted the window seat which we later found out the little bugger would
sometimes crawl out of the window onto the roof to retrieve balls/frisbees/what not
that the boys had thrown up there! therefore, luke didn't last too long in that room
BR#2: andrew - when the frogs came into being.
BR#3: grace - "FINALLY i get my OWN room" was the chant for months. also when the
flowers were painted on the walls
BR#4: abby - big room - all alone and miserable!!! WE CAN'T WIN HERE
PEOPLE!!!!......she was so lonely. about that time we knew that lydia was going to be
coming so we told her that she would go in with abby - bought us time
BR#5: caleb - and the sports posters went up and up and up and up and up
BR #6: seth - no water at that point. he ALWAYS was looking at liscense plates on cars trying
to find all the states. he would drive us CRAZY on road trips!! so we were in the
process of collecting liscences to put on his wall when he finally confessed to being
scared of his room (took him an entire year to be able to tell us this!) since it
reminded him of the orphanage. gives us GREAT reassurance - that we're
building rooms that remind him of his orphanage!!! reminder to self - hire the
next part of the basement to be finished!

LET THE MOVE BEGIN.............AGAIN!

BR#1: seth - in his glory...no more nightmares
BR#2: andrew... quiet with his frogs
BR#3: grace.....still in "heaven" with her own room
BR#4: abby.....lonely yet hopeful
BR#5: caleb.....sports and smells (not the nicest smelling room! - teenagers!)
BR#6: luke.....calls himself "bigger" than seth since he was in the basement (what next!)

to which we told them....be happy that you all have your own rooms now....it will NOT last becuz we don't know what God has in store for the future. God must have been laughing becuz it was about then that we found out about Ben!!!!!!

well.....this has gone on WAY too long and you've probably gotten so sick of hearing about our bedroom woes. suffice it to say abby and grace are back together again (thoroughly enjoying the new loft that was built in their room - if anyone ever needs an AMAZING builder call Bruce Tebben at.....:)). and the rest are enjoying peace and harmony in their own rooms.......for now!

WHAT DOES GRIEF LOOK LIKE?

2008-10-08T14:33:00.002-04:00

it's quiet today. that's good and bad. i have such a migraine that just doesn't seem to let up. had a dentist appointment today and i feel horrible for the tech - she was telling me everything that was wrong with my teeth (God bless her...) and i just felt my eyes just welling up. she could tell i wasn't handling it well and she said she felt bad "i didn't want to overwhelm you" she didn't - it's just the day. she told me "it's time for mom..." it just struck me...."it's time for mom...."

i left the appointment and fell apart in the van. these last 11 months greg and i HAVE been focusing on making sure the kids are ok, taking care of ben, bringing lydia home. we have said many times that the time we were dreading the most was after lydia was home and things settled down a little bit.....it felt as if it would be THEN that we'd have to really deal with seth's death. we have 2 different pictures of our family on the fridge. one taken this time last year and one taken after lydia was home. i look at those 2 pictures and am amazed at how TERRIBLY different they are. last years picture.....6 kids - older, active kids. this year's picture....7 kids - young, old....and one gapping whole missing one of our children. so much change. so many blessings. so much pain. so much joy. how can a family experience such polar opposites at the same time? how can i look at the kids and be filled with such joy and yet have a such an empty pit in my heart at the same time?

what does my grief look like? it's like that commercial for depression...."where does depression hurt?......all over" what does my grief look like? right now it's working in circles and not getting a spitting thing accomplished. it's not being able to finish the laundry in the usual 2 days....it stretches to 4 and 5 days. it's not feeling like cleaning my house and being bugged that it's so dirty (dirty is relative here, people - i don't want you to have an image of a cyclone hitting our house....i'm a slightly obsessive/compulsive cleaner...so dirty is quite relative :)) it's starting one thing and being completely distracted and starting to do 5 other things. it's having a heavy heart. it's not having any ambition. it's laughing at something one minute and then crying the next. it's looking at our kids and being so very thankful for those we have here. it's not wanting to change the kid's school pictures on the wall - knowing that one of them will stay the same. it's changing the kid's clothes over and seeing all the clothes that seth used to wear. it's having a hope and a promise that we'll all see our seffers again. it's being carried by my Heavenly Father so tenderly that at times i can almost feel His breath on my cheek. it's hearing Him say that we're not alone. it's being loved even though we don't feel like loving. what does my grief look like? a happy/sad. happy that seth is more loved than he has EVER been in his entire life and yet sad that i can't see him experience it.

i can tell that we're coming close to the year anniversary when seth went Home. i can tell that we've tried our best in taking care of the kids and their grief. i can tell that it just may be.....time for mom.

HIS TIMING IS PERFECT....

2008-10-03T22:59:00.009-04:00

it's been a rough week. i've been following the carepages of a calvin christian sophmore who has been in critical condition all week and who passed away on thursday am. for some reason greg and i have been playing the "where/what were we doing this time last year" game. 11 months tomorrow. 11 months when our nightmare began. 11 months of broken hearts. 11 months of crying for no good reason at times. 11 months of screaming out to God "i want him back". 11 months of just aching to hold our son just one more time.

watching the gortsema family go through this week of hell, has just brought back our week from hell - all too clearly for me. my heart aches for them having to make those same grueling decisions we had to make....picking out a coffin, picking out flowers, picking out a cemetary plot, writing an obituary for seth - all so very, very wrong. wanting to be strong for the kids and yet feeling like you're completely losing it inside your own mind. my heart just aches for the gortsema family. my "heart hurt" is just stronger than usual.

the kids went to grief camp (camp compass) last saturday. they seemed to have enjoyed it. we pray that it was the right thing for them to do. that's just what started this hard week. just am thinking and missing seth more this week. the day that travis died was such a cold and rainy day and it was just a horrible day for me. i was devasted all over again. but God's timing was impecable once again. after this hard day for me, greg came home with this cute little apple basket filled with trick or treat goodies. the card (from one of greg's co-workers) read something like "wanted you to have a smile on your face again. the witch ( a darling little figurine for halloween) is for jolynn - thought it'd make her smile (which it did, mary - thank you!!). the 3 little spider rings are for the girls (thankfully not a rubber ducky!!) there were 7 flashlights on the side for the kids. but my most favorite part was the 300(!!!!!) glow in the dark necklaces. the card said that we may hand these out to any trick-or-treater so that the entire neighborhood could shine for seth. what an extremely thoughtful and caring gesture for her to remember us in this way. thank you mary!!!

then this morning...andrew needed a coat and had found one "look it mom!! it's seth's old coat and it fits me perfectly!!" all i could see was seth wearing it. i could just close my eyes and see him complaining about wearing it again "it gets in my way when i'm playing bball mum!!!!" oh how much would i give in order to hear thosee words again!! i had slumped back into the kitchen when abby came back in holding a note from a fellow JCS mom.

timing....His timing is just absolutely perfect.

He's still watching out for us. He's still right close by. He's sill wanting to cover us with His love....what an amazing God we serve!!!

LESSON #485

2008-09-28T22:43:00.005-04:00

there are lessons that a mom is entitled to pass onto her children. lessons like #12...how to share your toys. or lesson #48....how to tie your shoe. or possibly lesson #60.....how to finish your homework on time. but there are certain lessons that a mom has no clue that she should even teach her kids. i learned one of those lessons last week. let me set the stage......

3:30pm - preparing supper to put into the oven before the kids get home by 3:50pm. lydia wakes up .... i go get her only to find her with a stinky pants. do i quick change her (oh, by the way, there's no QUICK anything when it comes to changing lydie's diapers) or do i wait and finish putting together supper before the kids get home? i chose the latter. so here i am - finishing up the casserole with lydie at my feet .....smelling to high heaven. the kids get home....one after another after another "lydie stinks mom!" "mom, i think lydia needs her diaper changed!" "MOM!!! she REALLY smells!!" you get the picture. (i did wonder to myself several times why no one OFFERED to change her pants since 3 of the 5 of them know how to....but that's going to be another lesson for another day).

i'm trying to hurry and finish with the meal so i won't have to hear about lydia's dirty pants anymore when all of the sudden i hear lydia at my feet....but more than that - i'm SMELLING lydia at my feet. this time - no stinky pants....oh, no......i smell this horrible smell of what may be an entire bottle of.................. FEBREEZE!!! what came out of my mouth next i NEVER thought i'd be saying "WHO FEBREEZED THEIR YOUNGER SISTER!!!!!" innocently one older brother stepped up to proudly say that he "took care of the dirty pants" - by emptying a 1/2 bottle of febreeze on her head!!!!! "WHAT possessed you???" "well, mom - she stunk...i made her smell better didn't i?" who could argue with that? (although, i don't know which is worse - a poopy pants or a child with a poopy pants and a febreeze bath!)

so....lesson number #485......don't ever, under no circumstances drench your younger sibling with febreeze - even if she has a poopy pants!!

lesson number #486....how to give your sister a bath!

PLEASE SHARE

2008-09-23T15:49:00.001-04:00

It just dawned on me - many of you had seth moments too. if you would....if you're able and willing....could you share them with me? i LOVE hearing things about him that i didn't know he had said or did. could you help me keep him alive - just for a while longer? thanks ..... from a mom who wants to hang on for as long as i'm able.

REMEMBERING....

2008-09-21T10:16:00.013-04:00

we have a seth trunk in the middle of our living room. it's a trunk with many things that remind us of seth. the kids occasionally put things in there for him - sometimes i find the funniest things (mostly pretty stones that they find that remind them of him). one of the most precious things in our seth trunk for me is his journal. we were given his journal from school that he had written in before he died. i love looking at his little handwriting - he HATED writing mind you....would have MUCH rather been outside playing basketball but he had to do his assignments too. the last entry he wrote were things he was thankful for "i am thankful that we have the bible. i am thankful for mom and dads. i'm thankful for God. i'm thankful for earth"

we've kept this journal in his trunk and have told the kids that whenever they have a memory of seth that they have to write them down. i've explained to them that i don't have alot of memories when i was 9,10,11,12,13 years old - i've forgotten much of that time in my life. i don't want them to be 30 something and look back on their brother and not have many memories of him. oh, i know that they'll never forget seth...but i don't want them to forget how he used to take his leftover food from his lunch box and put it in his locker box so he wouldn't get into trouble for not eating his entire lunch (to which we'd never know, that is, until we started smelling some awful rank stuff in the locker room coming from his locker box!) those are the things that make a brother a friend....i don't want them to lose their friend. so we tell them often write your memories of him down.

i was thinking about that today.....the things that i don't want to forget about our seth - those little things that i will always cherish.

-i want to remember when we were on vacation once and we were on a stony beach and of course he was looking for his precious agates. he ran up to me and had something in his hand. he shyly and quietly said to me "here mum...i love you". he ran away quickly before i was able to see what he gave me. i opened my hand and found this.....

it stays with me in my purse every day. it's one of the things that he gave to me that i will forever cherish

-i want to remember how he still would rock himself to sleep....reminding me of the start of his short life when he had to comfort himself in the orphanage - rocking himself to sleep.

-i want to remember his little smirk of a smile when we first brought him home

-i want to remember the first few nights when we brought him home. he, luke, and caleb were all in one room together. seth and caleb were on bunk beds (seth on bottom) and luke was in a toddler bed. we would find him asleep in bed with luke in his little bed - just trying to find something that was familiar to him.

-i want to remember how he would try and sneak up around me in the mornings - just to see if he could get me to jump.

-i want to remember how caleb taught him how to roller blade.

-i want to remember how he had such a little barrel chest. he had such a football body.

-i want to remember how his 3rd toe would always rest on top of all his other toes - not for the lack of us trying to straighten them back out! we think he must have been squished into too small shoes for the first 4 years of his life.

-i want to remember how he LOVED playing with his cousins. especially light sabers with kyle!

-i want to remember the time when he and i were in his room reading a book and he asked me "mum...God is in Heaven isn't He?" He sure is i replied to which he commented "how do I get there to be with Him?" i told him that all he has to do is ask. "i just gotta ask????" you just have to ask, honey. "i wanna, mum, i wanna" so in that brown cozy chair with him on the arm rest and me in the seat he folded his hands really tight and squinted his eyes super shut. he peeked out of his one eye and quietly asked "i just ask?" you just ask, seffers. after he said his beautiful little prayer i will NEVER forget his reaction. he opens his eyes and looks over at me with a look that a child has after he has just opened a Christmas gift and he so excitedly squeals to me "mum, i feel warm all over!!! i just know He just came in!!" (THAT is my one single most favorite memory of him)

-i want to remember how he loved playing basketball with his brothers and greg

-i want to remember how i would ALWAYS tell him to push up his glasses

-i want to remember in myrtle beach the last time we were there and i was trying to get a nice picture of him and he was just being goofy and i clicked one of my favorite pictures of him...

-i want to remember how he would spend hours searching for agates in the stony area in the back of our house (providentially we had never landscaped that area - we're turning that into our seth garden)

-i want to remember how it took him 1 year to tell us that he didn't like having his bedroom downstairs becuz it reminded him of the bathroom the caregivers put him into at the orphanage when he was naughty (they told him that there were monsters behind the square box on the wall and that if they made a noise or tried to get out the monsters would come and get him - terrible memories for him). we moved him to an upstairs bedroom that week.

-i want to remember how he desperately wanted a friend and was so excited when troy powney invited him over. "i finally have a friend mum!" ( i will forever be grateful to you for that pam!)

-i want to remember his last Sunday school Christmas program when he, grayden hoekwater, and tanner baker were the 3 wisemen and they had these beautifully made kings robes. when they were getting ready for the program one of the boys had the brilliant idea of taking his pants off (i wouldn't be surprised if it were seth's idea). so here were those 3 stinker boys running around with their robes on and no pants - beaming from ear to ear.

-i want to remember how we FORCED him to take one year of piano - THAT was a long year! he didn't like it at all....again, he'd MUCH rather have been outside playing basketball.

-i want to remember how he smelled.

-i want to remember how his fingernails were ALWAYS dirty - as any 10 year old little boy

-i want to remember how he and caleb would play football together in the front yard.

-i want to remember how it felt checking on him at night before going to bed myself and kissing him on the head.

i just want to remember our little boy - every little aspect of him. i don't want to forget what an amazing gift from God he was to us. i want to honor those 5 years we had him. i want God to be glorified in his life even after his death. i don't want to let go. i want him back. i want one last hug, one last kiss, one last laugh. but i have a hope....the reality that i WILL get more hugs, i WILL get more kisses, i WILL get more laughs. oh how i yearn for that day.

LYDIA UPDATE

2008-09-18T22:40:00.013-04:00

many of you have asked how it's been going with lydia. so i just wanted to update you a little on what she's been up to.....i watch our neice (emily) on fridays - she is also adopted from guatemala and is only 1 week older than lydie - i'm finding they are partners in crime. they locked me out of the house last week. i went into the garage for something and the screen door is closed when i come back - here these two little black haired, brown eyed beauties are on the other side just a gigglin'. i knew they were up to something but didn't know what until i tried the door - yup...locked - not a lock that i can use my key ....oh no.....it's the little black switch that emmie obviously knows how to push up and down - this time - up and locked! i can only see their heads at the window and here i am begging them to unlock the door - one knowing EXACTLY what i was asking and one having no clue but still laughing at her mama non the less. thankfully emmie finally unlocked the door (i wasn't too concerned since the slider was unlocked anyway) - true partners in crime!

the other things that lydie does in her spare time is try and put ben's shoes on her dolls - at least she's trying to put them on their feet and not on their heads or something!!! (although the picture looks like she's trying to put it on her ear)

trying on new accessories....

having her first ice cream cone.....

hanging out with ben.....

she has been doing so well. she just walks the circle around the main floor - oh about 3 dozen times a day! her eating is doing somewhat better depending on the day and her mood - she really is a little picky eater!! (no wonder she just got smaller and smaller in the orphanage!) she has no words yet but sure does make her wishes known!! we have early on from ottawa county coming out to evaluate her next week. hopefully we can get speech therapy, OT, and PT involved to help her catch up. we moved her into her own room (don't ask grace if she appreciated giving up her bedroom - NOT a happy day for her!) becuz of school schedules and such. she just seems like she's always been here! we are so blessed, so happy, and so in love with our new little girl!

PICTURE DAY

2008-09-15T15:26:00.003-04:00

oh the joys of the kids getting their pictures taken!! as much as i love the first day of school - i HATE picture day!! we have all the best intentions....set out the outfits the night before....take showers the night before so that hair doesn't go to school wet...get up early just in case of a wardrobe malfunction....but i can NEVER plan on every situation!

one woke up in an extremely bad mood - she will remain nameless (grace) - and NOTHING was working for her....especially her hair "it's all FUZZY!!!" well ...water it flat "i CAN'T use water - then it'll look WET!!" (of course it would - why didn't I think of that!) "this outfit doesn't look right!!! these jeans just don't look right with the shirt!" well....no one will SEE the jeans in the picture. but they will see me NOW!! i then just let her figure her outfit/hairstyle out herself. she left at least with clothes on.

one woke up FINALLY! raced to get dressed and put on play clothes instead of his school clothes we laid out the night before. send him back upstairs....comes down with Sunday clothes on.....no.....go back up and get the clothes we set out last night....comes down for the third time time with totally wrong clothes - AGAIN!!! WALK the child upstairs and find 3 outfits thrown all over the floor and missing the outfit we laid out....after 10min of searching we find it and that one is done.

one leaves for school perfectly fine. right clothes.....hair combed.....good mood.....nothing in his teeth. pick him up at 11am (after his picture mind you) for a dr's appointment. he comes out running and the first thing i notice is this HUGE chain around his neck. you know the kind......the chains that gang members attach to their wallets, but our son uses it as a necklace instead!!!! it's big enough that he was already getting bruises around his neck from running and the chain bouncing up and down on his neck! "please, please, please tell me that you didn't wear that for your pictures!" "well.....yea, mom - don't you think it looks great??!?!?! i got it from the wow box at school since i've done so good lately!" (who could argue with THAT one?!?!)

and one tries so very hard to smile.....and it just turns into this grimace of a face. anyone remember the episode of Friends where chandler can't smile - no matter how hard he tries? yea, well......that would be our son, once again - nameless (andrew). no matter how many times he tries it just comes out like he's constipated or something. it's a face only a mom could love! combine that with his very needed orthodontia work - truly a face only a mom could love!

so picture day came and went.....bad hair, ugly clothes (or so the kids think), "fuzzy hair", gang chains, and bad smiles.....can we say .................... RETAKES!!!!

NO MORE RUBBER DUCKIES

2008-09-08T14:58:00.002-04:00

so has anyone ever felt that they may have traumatized their child ever? i think i may have last week! child - lydia......trauma from - a duck washcloth. i had lydie in the bath with all her toys - which she used to love to have in there with her. ben was in to and they were having so much fun just splashing each other (i actually had my 2nd shower of the day with them!) it is so fun to watch them together! night and day difference!!!! red hair - black hair......double chin - no chin.....rolls everywhere - skin and bones.....2 teeth - mouthful of teeth.....pot belly - no belly.....you get the picture. anyway i was watching them play and then found a duck washcloth that is a puppet too. i was using the best duck voice i have and talking with them. initially they were having a ball with it, then it happened........lydia started pointing at the duck and the duck grabbed her fingers with it's beak. INSTANT HYSTERIA!!! i don't know if she ever had a run in with a duck in the orphanage or what, but i tell you what i've never seen a child freak out as quickly as that! she pushed herself to the back of the tub screaming and trying to get away from the washcloth as much as possible. she was shaking like a leaf!! so what would any good mom try and do? well of course try and show her that it's just a puppet. 2nd round of INSTANT HYSTERIA!!! that obviously didn't work at all. so after THROWING the blasted puppet out of the room to show her that it wasn't after her after all - i got her out of the tub just a-shiverin' (and not from being cold either!)

needless to say, she now can't have anything in the tub with her at all. another bath a few days later with no duck washcloth but just a few toys (including some rubber duckies) - she started to freak out that the other toys were coming toward her....hence the reason i think i've traumatized her for life!! so bath time is just bubble time - darn it....i miss doing my duck voice! it was pretty good if i don't say so myself! at least i got smiles out of her afterwards.......

HAPPY DANCE DAY

2008-09-02T08:28:00.013-04:00

for those of you who know me well you know that....... i LOVE the first day of school. i love everything about it - the kid's excitement (masked by them complaining about having to go), getting their backpacks packed, getting them breakfast, watching them wait anxiously for the bus, taking their pictures, and always my happy dance. i'll never forget last year when grace asked me "mom, could you just wait to do your happy dance until we're gone?" today i just don't have it in me. today there's just this overwhelming sadness that i just can't seem to shake. today i miss our seffers. my heart is just hurting and my heart wound feels as if it's broke full open and bleeding again.

i always get the kids on the bus and then hop into the van and meet them at school to take pictures of them with their friends. i can't seem to get myself to go today. i can't see seth's friends all together without him there shooting hoops until the first bell. i can't seem to make myself put on a happy face in front of the other moms/dads. i know that God has planned lydia coming home right now so that in part it wouldn't be so hard today. i just can't seem to be excited about lydia with everyone when on the inside i'm just wanting to cry out "don't you know that my heart is breaking here? don't you see that seth isn't here?" i'm sure (without a doubt) that people would remember, but i just can't put myself in a place where there's a chance that they won't. i just need to hide today - in a way honor seth. i just need him to know how much i miss him today. oh how i would have loved to take his picture this morning, instead i'll stay home and look at his last year's picture of his 1st day of school.

i miss his cute little smile. i miss his way of acting like he doesn't want a kiss from his mom but enjoying it immensly when i do get in there and give him a big slobbery one. i miss his hugs. i would give anything to break up a fight between him and luke or andrew at the bus stop. i miss him showing me his new tricks that involve basketball. i remember him showing me just weeks before he died how he was finally able to dribble through his legs - he was SO proud of that accomplishment (as was i). i miss his mischieveousness. you always knew when he was up to something no good! i know that he wasn't an angel - not by far, but he still was our special little guy. (he'd HATE being called little!) i just miss our seffers today.

but, God has given us so many gifts since He decided to take seth Home. so many gifts that it's just mind boggling. bringing us lydia at this time....in this way.....it's not lost on us - God is still so much alive in our lives. having ben and watching him grow the way he is - and the absolute joy he has brought to all of us. giving us the other kids to watch and grow and raise. God is still good - all the time. and to know that He still loves me even when i focus on what i don't have anymore is so comforting. i can just picture Him here with me ...... crying right along with me....letting me be sad......waiting for me to crawl on His lap and wrap His arms around me. we have such a loving Father. He knows exactly this pain of losing a child.

so, even during this day of overwhelming sadness.....i have hope. wow. that ALONE is a gift. that ALONE is from God. never, never would i believed i could claim that promise after these last 10 months. praise God that He has allowed us to be able to do that. yes, my heart wound is bleeding......yes, my heart is heavy...... but i will NOT let that allow me to reject the love that our Father wants to lavish on us. He will once again heal my heart. I know He will, He's promised.... but for now - today - i just want our seth back.

1st day of school......kids got up (yes - ALL of them excited this year!!), backpacks were packed, breakfast was eaten, circle prayers said, bus stop waiting - finished, pictures taken........

happy dance?..... maybe next year.

SENSATIONAL SELECTIONS IN MEMORY OF SETH VAN WIENEN

2008-08-30T23:31:00.005-04:00

the above picture is the first family picture that we've taken since seth's death. so very bittersweet. i look at that picture and want to see seth's cheesy little grin. i can just picture him right behind abby - probably doing rabbit ears to andrew!!

we visited school last wednesday for jenison christian's open house. we arrived earlier than everyone so that we could see the library and what they've done over the summer. for those of you who don't know.....we set up a memorial fund in honor of seth - it's a fund that purchases books for the library at school. you see, seth LOVED reading - at least since last spring when we got him glasses. last summer he INHALED books. he read the entire harry potter series, the lord of the rings series, the hobbit, another series about dragons - in other words....we didn't see alot of seth last summer, he was always in his room reading!! he broke a record at school for the most accelerated points earned in the first quarter. we always wondered how many points he would have ended up with. they started a "seth van wienen reading award" to be given to one student per year that exemplifies the love of reading that seth did. so cool. one of his friends (matt werkman) was the first to receive it last spring.

at the school's auction last march monies were donated to give the library a face lift - and what a lift it is!!! they constructed a tree (the one we are sitting in front of in the above picture) that is just amazing. it includes all the books that were purchased with the memorial fund. the details to this tree are awesome! honestly, i lost it when i saw that they had scratched in seth's initials into the tree - he would have SO done that himself!! the amount of work that was put into this was unbelievable (we'll always remember you for this james!)

there's also this absolutely amazing mural that was painted that has so many levels of artistic themes that one has to stand and just look at it several times in order to see all that is included in this piece of artwork. included in it are moons and stars among many, many other things - we just absolutely love it!

we have been so well cared for by our extended school family. it overwhelms us at times the many, many people who have continued thinking and praying for us these last 10 months. this wonderful space at school is yet just another example of the love we feel from jcs. we're speechless..... God is so good - and He provides....even things that we didn't know we needed ourselves - like a space where we (and anyone) can go and just honor our boy . thank you jenison christian...for being God's arms when we need to be wrapped in His love! we will forever be grateful.

GOOD BYE SUMMER

2008-08-29T23:14:00.005-04:00

so it's been 10 days since we've been home from guatemala....what has happened in the van wienen home? ben is up 3-4 times a night again, gracie notified me that she needs to shop for school since she has NOTHING (said with as much attitude as you can muster!) to wear for her 1st day of middle school, caleb needs a hair cut desperately and he forever is refusing, luke spent the weekend with a school friend and his family at their cottage last weekend and told us first thing when he was dropped off that he got bit by a fish in his "nards" (only a 10 year old boy!!!), andrew has gone missing on us at least a half dozen times - back to the basics with him, abby just adores lydia and doesn't allow her to walk at all becuz she wants to carry her new sister around 24/7, and lydia......so much has already changed with her including her allowing to have a picture taken with a great big smile on her face!!!

greg is going strong back at work, and mom? well....i have only a few hours of sleep at night thanks to mr. ben-ben, i don't get a shower until at least 11am on a good day, i've taste-tested more baby food (to see if it's too hot) than i want to admit, my hair truly is coming out, the bags under my eyes are the size of the grand canyon.......and i'm loving every bit of it!!! i truly feel like i'm doing the job God has designed me to be doing - being the best wife and mom i know how to be. i pray that i will be able to do the job He has called me to do with as much grace and wisdom as He provides. my prayer is that we can raise these gifts God has blessed us with to grow in the knowledge of our Heavenly Father, that one day they too may experience the joy of children and have wonderful memories of their own childhood.

so.....we ready them for their next phase of life - some into their last years at middle school, some in their first. some in their last year of grade school and some right in the midst of it. some beginning to learn what family is and some just getting through a full night of sleep. i hope we're prepared.....good bye summer......let the new school year begin!!!

she's safe.....she's happy.....she's HOME!!!

2008-08-23T08:00:00.005-04:00

WOW! what a whirlwind of a 4 days! if it gives you just a little taste - i've tried to start this post 8 different times this week! 2 times it was my stupidity that i "lost"/erased the entire post, but mostly it was the kids deleting my half written post so they could play online. oh the joys of getting back into things!

the trip home was flawless. lydia did amazing on the flights home - she fell asleep on both flights. it was just so very surreal having her on the plane with us and bringing her home! no one could ever explain that feeling of walking down the hallway with your new daughter just steps away from introducing her to her new family. it was the longest walk - especially with lydia's little legs!! seeing the kids waiting was very bittersweet for me. i was so very excited for them to meet lydia, and yet there is a part of our hearts that was breaking knowing that not all of our kids were there. my biggest prayer that entire day was for God to allow Seth a window - just so that he'd be able to celebrate with us. i hope he did - i believe he did. i would have loved to see his reaction - someday we will.

lydia did great meeting her new family and friends. we were overwhelmed with everyone that had come to welcome us home - i told a few of them that they prayed her home....i truly believe that. we can't thank everyone enough for being a part of making a wonderful memory for our family.

since that day the kids have completely fallen in love with lydia. they can make her laugh like nothing we've ever seen. i joke that they all can't go back to school in a week because i need them home to help with her and ben!! it's like having twins right now - one mobile and one not so much. we brought them to greg's office and weighed both of the kids and it's official - lydia weighs less then ben (lydia: 21# 1 oz......ben 21# 8 oz). she is tiny! tall.....but tiny. she's eating better now that we're home. we realized that she didn't even know how to chew. she has a mouth full of teeth and doesn't know how to chew. so we're back to the basics - baby food and bottles. i think she'll quickly advance once we work with her - in fact she already has made HUGE strides in her eating just in the last 4 days. she wears the same diapers as ben - although ben may have to go up to the next size (he gained 1 1/2 # while we were gone!!! he was WELL cared for!!!) sleeping still remains our hurdle with lydia. once she falls asleep she stays asleep - no matter in what position!!

so now we begin the process of teaching her what family is and what that means to her. the first morning she woke up she just laid there not moving anything except her eyes - just looking around as if to be thinking "is this really happening?" yes, sweet lydia - it's really happening.....you're finally home!!

we cannot thank you all enough for praying us through these last 22 months. it's been an agonizing several months, but we knew that it was all in God's timing that she'd come home. she's doing well and we just now pray for a smooth transition here at home with her and the kids and in a few days when school starts again. and then ben and lydia get some good "mommy time"!

our happy new daughter - Lydia Ruth Paola Van Wienen....

We're coming home!!!

2008-08-18T21:29:00.006-04:00

oh how i've longed to type those words!! even though our time here has been wonderful, greg and i both agree - we need home. we cannot wait to see the kids' faces when they see their new sister for the first time. we've been showing lydia pictures of the kids to get her a little ready and every time she sees abby and grace's pictures she kisses them (she really does remember them from our visit trip i believe) - boys i'm sure she'll share alot of kisses with you too!!! her pictures don't do her justice - she always dead pans when we get the camera out!!

the past few days have been nice and relaxing. yesterday we went to the zoo - really cool zoo they have here! some new animals that we've never seen before. lydia didn't care too much about them - she was very tired, but she was such a trooper! mom & i went shopping in the afternoon and the guys stayed back in the hotel with lydie. that was fun!!! unbelievably when we were shopping in this artesian market we bumped into a girl that had a shirt that said western michigan on it. i asked her if she went to western and she said no but that she lived in western michigan though. "GET OUT!" (i think i may have made her a little nervous :)) i said that we lived in w. michigan too. come to find out they live in martin - my sister and bro-in-law (kristin and jon) used to live in martin. she asked me who they were and i told them to which another guy in their group said "my dad's related to the lanings!!" "GET OUT!!!" his parents were with them and we spoke to them for a while. turns out the guy is a cousin to jon's mom. they and 29 young people were on a mission trip to guatemala in an orphanage. who knew that one could play dutch bingo in a vendors shop in guatemala? i think it had to be a God thing.

today we went walking around looking for a store that sold pudding - since that's the only thing that we know for sure lydie would eat on the plane. who knew that finding a pudding snack pack would be so difficult!! we were successful and were able to go do a little more shopping as well. it's amazing how these people take advantage of every single little nook and cranny!! it's so beautiful to see their stores with all the brilliantly colored textiles.

greg and dad went back to the embassy this afternoon to pick up lydia's visa/passport. it was an easy process and one that we're glad is done. our lawyer also dropped off some more information on lydia. we were able to get pictures of her birthmom/grandma/grandpa or brother, baby pictures, a copy of her original birth certificate, and the immunization booklet that aracely couldn't find which had held up our process in the early stages for several weeks! we also found out that we actually got out of PGN on June 9 - we were notified on the 26th!! oh well, over and done with and she's in our arms.

we met up with 4 other bethany families who are here adopting as well. we all went to a guatemalan restaraunt last night. that was alot of fun. there was one family (heather & jon van es) who are from sioux city, IA. i've been communicating with her for the last year on bethany's guatemalan forum. it was WONDERFUL to meet other christians who are going through the same process as we are. we are hoping to get together in the future. they have a beautiful 9 year old boy, Ty and they are adopting a little angel - Jett - from here (he's going to be 2 in october). they have 2 girls at home as well.

So we start on the last part of this trip tomorrow morning bright and early. i think that lydia is finally sleeping and we're going to be heading off to bed too. our bags are packed, the alarm is set, it's time to bring her home.......

jolynn

A DAY OF BEAUTY

2008-08-16T19:14:00.008-04:00

so today was our trip to antigua. it just wasn't a trip there but it was a day to spend with some new friends. william, carin, david, and juan brought us to antigua. these are just amazing people! they spent their day with us driving us to an extremely touristy place just because they wanted to. i'm sure they could have been doing so many other things today, but they chose to spend it with us. these are people with such hospitality like i've never experienced before. joel had introduced us just yesterday and yet they seem like dear friends. carin is the principal at the christian school (her father was the one with the vision to start the school). william is her husband and they have an adorable little 3 year old boy (fernando). william is the youth pastor and works closely with carin's father. neither speak english. david is the english teacher (and band!) and speaks incredible english. juan was the driver and is someone with such a story. he used to be in a gang but because of the prayers of carin's sister and friend - juan walked into their church one way and came out a changed man. we told him that we were glad that he was a part of our "gang" now!

antigua was just as beautiful as i remember it from last october. we visited some of the same sites we did before but were so glad we could come back and experience it with mom & dad this time. the flowers there are beyond beautiful - there are no colors to discribe them well enough.

not only were the flowers so different from each other so were the people we saw. i saw a mother nursing her infant child while holding out a container asking for donations, a father giving his son a ride on a horse, people dressed in authentic guatemalan dress trying to sell their wares calling out to us "for you.....ten dolla", tourists taking pictures of the ruins, older men with amputated legs begging for food, and a blended "family" - some from guatemala and some from michigan enjoying the day together.

we were able to do some shopping in this open air market. my highlight of the day!! yes kids, we are not coming home empty handed for you!!! it was such a sensory overload! david was fantastic at getting the best prices!

lydia did amazing! she did great on the long ride there and back - and even fell asleep on the way back. she's showing us her independence a little bit by sometimes not wanting us to hold her hand when she is walking. we found out she loves pudding, likes rice krispies, and drinks alot of juice. she still doesn't eat alot and we've started her on some 3rd stage baby food. the orphanage director said that she's used to having her food pureed - so much to catch her up on but i don't think it'll be long!!

when it was time to say good-bye, we couldn't believe how hard it was. even though we've only met these people 2 days ago! we were in a circle in front of the hotel and william said a prayer for us. i had no idea what he said but i think it was the most beautiful prayer i've heard. we may all not speak the same language, dress in the same manner, or live in the same community but we all serve the same God. it was an experience that we'll always remember. we've fallen in love with guatemala.....we will be back (sarah - you won't be getting rid of these van wienens just yet!!)

thank you once again for your prayers......they are truly felt!!!

jolynn

This is the Great Adventure!!

2008-08-16T07:45:00.011-04:00

WOW! what a day we had yesterday! we met up with Joel VanDyke a missionary down here whom keith and monica have worked with the several times they have been down here. what a guy joel is!! i know that we would have NEVER seen these places if it weren't for him! we started the day with joel taking us up to the christian school. there we saw a family with such an AMAZING vision. the local pastor wanted to start a church school 35 years ago. he and his family finally started one 9 years ago, in fact they had the paperwork to become an organized school before they even had a building or classrooms. they went out on faith and started registering children to start - just 2 weeks before school was to begin God provided a school building. all but one of the teachers were family members - they started with 83 students and i forget how many they have now but it is around 200 i believe. they scrunch in up to 37 students in a room not much bigger than grace's room at home - i will NEVER complain about class sizes again! We then visited a family who have 6 girls and one baby boy in their home. 5 of the children attend the christian school. the people here are so overwhelmingly hospitable!!

we sat at their table - with 9 chairs around it (reminded me of home!!) and spoke with them. the children were all around and were so very excited that they had gringos in their home. the girls stole our hearts! seeing them living in such conditions (dirt floor, tin house, incredibly meager surroundings) and yet having the smiles on their faces - you could tell that God lived there.

joel then brought us back to the pastor's house where his wife prepared us an authentic guatemalan dinner - let's just say it felt like a thanksgiving meal!!!

From there joel took us someplace where bethany would most definitely have suggested us NOT to go (sorry, sarah!!!) - he took us to the city dump. we had to park in the cemetary (strangest cemetary we've ever been in - they bury there loved ones above the ground). mom & i stayed in the van with lydia and dad & greg went out to the overlook of the dump. it reminded us so much of nicaragua. the vultures soaring over head were the size of small dogs, the smell was so strong we had to cover our faces, people - many, many people - were in the midst of the garbage scrounching around for recycle scraps, wild dogs all over looking for anything to eat. it was almost too much to see. to be in such a beautiful country as guatemala is and then see something so ugly was very hard to take in. the site that struck me was this tree with about 50 or so vultures just sitting and then this beautiful flowering tree right in front of it - such beauty and ugliness so close to each other.

we then were on a mission to find this homeless pregnant teen who monica had seen when she was here in july. she couldn't get this girl out of her mind. joel had said there were 2 pregnant girls that were homeless. we found audah sitting all curled up under a building awning trying to keep out of the rain. she sat there so small and so all alone - it was a sight i will never forget. joel stopped and we started talking with her. she was really quite beautiful under all the dirt and grime. we told her that she was being prayed for and that we had gifts for her and inez (the other pregnant teen) - joel was going to give the gifts of baby things to a coordinator who is starting a mission to reach out to these homeless teens. we then went to mcdonalds and bought her some food since she hadn't eaten all day. please pray for these girls - they have no life except for huffing and just surviving. they are God's children too - and it just hit me that our little girl may have ended up in a place like that.

speaking of lydia - she is opening up so much more today. so many more smiles and laughs and mischieviousness. she LOVES baths and hearing her laugh while splashing herself is something i will never get sick of! she is definitely not a morning person! she is slow to wake up and refuses to eat anything until afternoon. she is a joy! last night, though, was our first time seeing her truly scared - it was over 2 hours of trying to get her to sleep - she was at times unconsolable. it just reminded me that she is a little girl whose life is completely changed and she was just scared. it tore my heart apart. please pray for tonight that it will go better for her (and for us!).

we are heading to antigua for the day - looking forward to another great adventure! thank you for keeping us in your prayers. we can't wait to be home for you all to meet our new little girl! love to all.....

greg & jolynn

oh.....thought you'd enjoy seeing lydie again!! :)

Another Van Wienen is "born"!!

2008-08-14T12:16:00.004-04:00

So folks.....she's all ours!! as of 10:30am lydia became an official van wienen!! we went to the embassy and it went very smoothly (the absolute last item of this process was the ONLY smooth part of this process!) the pictures don't due her justice....she is a happy, smiley, cuddly, affectionate little girl - and she's ours!!!! She slept wonderfully last night. i was able to rock her to sleep and sing to her, she cried just a little - not a scared one but a "i-don't-wanna-go-to-sleep" cry (it's universal to children all around the world!!) she slept all night and we had to wake her up this morning for the embassy appointment. we woke her up with a "buenos dias, lydia - good morning" to which she returned a HUGE smile and lifted her arms up to us. Oh did our hearts just soar!! She is very tiny! she's tall (slightly taller than her cousing emily) but so very thin. we figure she will be in the same size diapers as ben is! actually ben has a bigger belly and thighs by far - we're anxious to weigh her, she can't be much more than ben is. we need to get her home and fatten her up. this picture was taken just before our embassy appointment with her official "pink slip"

and this is the only one we could get of her without her eyes closed. we decided to take grace's digital camera with us instead of ours and we're just trying to get used to it.

so the rest of the day is a trip to the local "walmart" for something for her to eat - she doesn't eat very much at all. then the missionary, Joel VanDyke, who keith and monica have worked with is stopping by for a visit. the plan is to go up to the school tomorrow, antigua on saturday, zoo/market on sunday. thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers....looking forward to coming home!!!

greg and jolynn

guatDELAYmala

2008-08-13T23:47:00.003-04:00

nothing and i mean NOTHING ever goes as planned in guatemala!! we got up bright and early this morning - some earlier than others! - and we waited and waited and waited some more (what IS God trying to teach us i wonder!!!) by 11:30am we had had it and called sylvia our bethany contact down here. she called back and said that lydia was suppose to be brought to the med clinic for her final medical evaluation at 9am - aracely didn't show until 11:30!! we were notified around 12:30pm that lydia was at the clinic and that afterwards they would be bringing her to the hotel. We got a phone call around 2:30 saying they'd be here by 3:00 - they got here around 3:30!!! i swear if we don't have an ulcer after today....... sylvia was not able to be here when they dropped her off - it wasn't until 8:30pm (10:30pm our time!) that she finally came and went over the paperwork with us. come to find out it was aracely who was the culprit most of the time that made this process so much longer than it ever should have been....but that's all over now - lydia is here, she's happy, she's healthy (although on the very, very skinny side!!! in fact she probably will be wearing the same size diapers that ben wears!!! yes, i said diapers - we were so hoping that this potty training stuff would have been behind us!!!). she was smiling and touching our faces all over with her long skinny fingers. she had a bath - and LOVED it - splashed all over and grandma and mama both ended up with a "bath" too! to hear her laugh ..... that wonderful belly laugh - it made our hearts soar!!! she fell asleep in my arms singing to her. she was crying some, but not a scared cry - more of a "i-don't-wanna-go-to-bed-cry". but she finally caved in and she is sleeping soundly. early morning tomorrow at the embassy and then onto the walmart like store they have down here for some things. oh....how good it feels to have her here! we all will sleep well tonight...............together from now on!!!! thank you once again for checking up on us and for praying us through this long and happy day.
jolynn
PS: will post pictures tomorrow - we want to make sure the kids see her in their emails first before sharing her with everyone else.

HOLA from Guatemala!

2008-08-12T21:59:00.003-04:00

Well, we're here - the day is finally coming upon us. how are we ever going to sleep tonight? probably as poorly as we've slept these last 4 nights since we got our pink slip! traveling was uneventful and we're all settled in.....now all we need is our little girl. the toys are spread out, her new clothes are ready, the snacks are just waiting to be eaten....now all we need is our little girl. prayers have been answered, safety was given to us for traveling, everything is unpacked....now all we need is our little girl. hours from when our world will be changed and hours from now her world will be changed....now all she needs is her mama and papa. tomorrow sweet lydia - rest well tonight - for tomorrow you'll be ours.

The Beginning of the End

2008-08-11T23:25:00.003-04:00

We're finally coming upon the end to this long drawn out process. Kids are "delivered" to where they'll stay while we are gone. The house is quiet....eerily quiet. I don't like it....I want our kids back home already and yet there is a little girl thousands of miles away who is need of her new mama and papa. As we were coming home in an empty car I remembered the family meeting we had with the kids about 2 years ago when we told them that we thought that maybe God was asking us to adopt this little girl:

She was 10 months old at the time. I remember the first time I saw her - I actually

fell to the chair and lost my breath. I remember the very first thought I had of her "I'm going to hold that little one some day" It was as if God spoke directly to my mother's heart that she was our daughter. We told the kids we were going to pray about it and wanted them to as well. After that family meeting I think it was Andrew who said, "Mom, God told me that we're suppose to adopt her!" Oh the faith of a child. And then I think of Abby who from day one has prayed every single night "and please let the paperwork for Lydia to go really, really fast" (even after all these months she continued to pray that prayer. Oh the faith of a child.

Then I remember Caleb and Luke saying that the next one has to be a boy because we couldn't have more girls than boys, and yet both on different occasions admitted that God really wanted Lydia to come home. Oh the faith of a child. And we have a tattered picture of Lydia that we just received out of Seth's box of school things. On his birthday we opened his Memory Box that Karen Schuitema from school had put together of his school things and amidst the crayons, journals, and drawings there was one picture of Lydia that was so worn on the sides that I just know that he fingered that picture of his little sister dreaming of the day when he'd get to play with her "for real" He kept that picture taped to his desk for the last 2 years. Oh the faith of a child. And Gracie....sweet Grace....wanting her little sister home so badly at times that I'd find her crying when we had another set back in the process. "Is God ever going to send her home, mom?" she asked me one night - someday, Grace He will - oh the questions of faith of a child. They all have taught me alot about faith in this journey. God is faithful - and God is good - all the time, no matter what the circumstances. So we leave to pick up our little girl tomorrow morning....the beginning of the end of this process. One that has come with excitement and tears and testing of our faith. We're coming sweet Lydia - mama and papa are coming.......

GUATEMALA BOUND!!!

2008-08-08T00:52:00.004-04:00

yes you've read that right .... we got pink!!! that means we received our pink slip which has our embassy interview date. i had many different ways that played out in my mind about how we were going to find out - i can guarentee that i never thought it'd happen this way!! our sw had told us that we probably wouldn't hear anything until the earliest on friday, so i stopped stalking our email around 4pm. we had supper, i went over to sandy's house for a while, came home and talked with greg for a while, then we started getting ready for bed and i thought i'd check our email one last time. "adopt guatemala: visa appointment packet enclosed" is what i saw first. i said to greg "um, honey....get over here.....i think we have pink" opened the email and sure enough - we got pink!!!! i started screaming hysterically while greg kept reading the email. "WE GOT PINK!!! WE GOT PINK!!! WE GOT PINK!!!!" is all i kept screaming to which ben woke up screaming, i ran upstairs to wake the kids: grace was shaken awake by her hysterical mother, andrew half-heartedly woke up - picked his nose - fell back to sleep. abby woke up yelling "where's the fire? where's the fire". caleb was awake already and just laughing at his mom running around the house like a maniac. luke shook like he had a seizure and then fell back to sleep. ben is now screaming his lungs out. so at around 11pm tonight our house was turned upside down. Now the details: we think we'll fly out next tues, have her brought to us on wed., with the appointment on thurs am. we can't pick up her visa paperwork until the following monday though!!! ugh - long weekend at the hotel. the embassy is closed on fridays so that's why the paperwork won't be available (sounds like a cushy job huh?) the initial plan is to fly back sometime on the following tues. the 19th.
so friends.....our little girl will walk back into our lives in only 6 short days. 6 days left of this incredibly long journey. 6 days for her little heart to be ready to join our family. please pray for her. her world is going to be turned upside down in 6 short days and yet our world will be so much more brighter with her in it.
Like we sang 9 months ago in a hospital room saying good bye to seth "Praise God from whom all blessings flow. Praise Him all creatures here below. Praise Him above the heavenly host. praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost." God is so good......all the time.

Waiting and waiting and waiting some more....

2008-08-04T20:30:00.002-04:00

Well, if getting outta pgn felt like my water broke.....this waiting for our embassy appointment feels like i've been in that hospital bed for weeks pushin' and pushin'!!! I just want to have the date of when we can go down and get her!! I've finally allowed myself to start thinking about the moment that we'll see Lydia again - before i couldn't let my mind go there. I wonder whether she'll remember us, will she be crying for Aracely (the orphanage director), will she come to us at all?, will she be shy/happy/sad/scared/excited? I just pray that the transition to us will go smoothly and that she'll not be scared. Please pray for our little girl's heart - that she'll be feel safe with us. hopefully the next post will be when we get to go.....so we wait - again.
jolynn

One step closer!!!

2008-07-28T23:16:00.002-04:00

Just received confirmation from our social worker today that we received Lydia's birth certificate last Friday the 25th!!!! This is another huge step overcome due to the possibilities of RENAP (the place that gives out the birth certificates) could have kicked us out for any reason. So....passport was applied for and hopefully all our paperwork will be submitted to the US embassy by week's end!!! We are so very close to bringing her home!!! Hopefully by this time next week we'll have exact dates and will be making plane reservations!!! I just can't believe that she's almost home! We're camping this week again with Greg's family and received the phone call this afternoon - we just need to go camping more often!! (the phone call saying we were outta pgn came on our last camping trip to the conference grounds!!) So before I get eaten alive any more than I already have by the mosquitos out here....i'll sign off. Thanks again for checking in on us and praying!
Jolynn

Yet another delay

2008-07-25T09:18:00.003-04:00

Well, we just got word yesterday that Lydia's birth certificate won't be ready until the end of next week. we were suppose to have received it last thursday!! once again we keep saying "we'll believe it when we see it". So we just lost another 2 weeks. this ending phase is truly horrible!!! If receiving word that we were outta pgn was like having my water break - these last few weeks are like pushing for ever and ever - OUCH!! It just seems like the carrot is being held right in front of us and then it's like..."nope, don't think so....come a little farther" So, we go camping next week with greg's family - looking forward to that, looks like great weather. We opened Abby's gifts last night for her bday (which is on Sat). It was extremely hard finding something for her this year!! ended up with a new outfit for her, one for her american girl, and a cute beach bag. We then opened up Seth's memory box that his teacher had put together of all his school stuff. we hadn't opened it before.....just too hard. He was such a little stinker!! there was a journal that the students wrote their memories of seth. one girl wrote several memories of him including him trying to give her a wedgy and then breaking her belt!!! Another remembered him sneaking out of class when it was time for lunch! It was nice to read those things - brought him back to us a little. It was fun to read the "naughty" things he did - he was such a little stinker at times. I only wish for a few of those things now! You know you miss someone alot when you wouldn't even mind seeing him being naughty! Makes me wonder if he's as sneaky in heaven as he was here. i just picture him sneaking up on God and trying to scare him - although...He's God, he'd know that Seth was there!!! :) you wonder about the strangest things sometimes!

Happy Birthday, Seth!

2008-07-23T22:59:00.004-04:00

today is a day that i have been dreading for the last 8.5 months. today is seth's birthday. i could just hear him running down from his bedroom asking for his presents. instead it was andrew - our sweet andrew- "it's seth's birthday today mom, we need sausages and eggs for breakfast" (sausages were seth's favorite breakfast - eggs are andrew's :) luke came to me first thing and said "i think it's someone's birthday.....and i think that mom & dad need a present" to which he runs downstairs to retrieve a football card he has been saving just for today. i had no clue who it was, what team he played on, what position he played but in all honesty i didn't care, for his name was seth (seth joyner i believe). "i saved this one just for you and dad because of his name". i could have cried right then and there. i told him that if he wanted he could leave it at seth's grave later today and he thought that was a grand idea. he put it in a plastic box so it wouldn't "get wet in the rain" along with a note he wrote to seth....."happy birthday seth, i know it's not much but i thought you'd enjoy it. i wish i could see you get it. love you luke" and that is the way that this special/awful day started. we ended the day by taking the kids out for abby's birthday dinner at pizza hut and then went out to the cemetary. there is just something wrong about seeing your name chizzled in stone in a place like that. we had cupcakes, let off balloons, had sparklers (andrew's idea) and cried. oh how i miss our little guy (although he'd probably HATE being called a little guy). he'd be 11 today. during my devotions God told me not to think of it as our first birthday without him, but his first birthday in Heaven (to which i wondered to myself if birthdays are celebrated in Heaven). so......seth's first birthday in Heaven......getting up and having sausages, playing with all the other children, playing basketball, eating cake, having sparklers, and wishing that we were all there with him celebrating too. someday seth, someday... until then....happy birthday seffers, happy birthday. i love you to the moon and to the stars......mom

My first attempt!!

2008-06-05T15:24:00.002-04:00

Well, this is my first attempt at blogging - so bear with me!! A little bit about me....I'm a stay at home mom (which I love!) and have the best husband in the world - Greg. I've always referred to him as my knight in shining armor. We have 8 children: 1 of whom is still in Guatemala (we've been in process of adopting her for 19 months) a little girl we've named Lydia. Our oldest is Caleb (13yo), Grace (11yo), Abby (9yo), Luke (9yo), Andrew (8yo), and Ben (4months old - a WONDERFUL surprise from Heaven above!!). We also have one child in Heaven since last Nov. - Seth. He was 10 years old and died after being hit by a car. We are still in the midst of our grief and yet still have hope. God has blessed us with Ben (born 3 months to the day after Seth died) and have Lydia to look forward to. With the help, support, and prayers of our family and friends, we are just taking one day at a time. So.....today is the first day of summer vacation for our kids. We let Caleb go with his friends for the first time to McDonalds after school and then walk to his friends house - oh is it so hard to let him grow up!! I'm anxious to hear how it went today! That's about it in a nutshell! I'll try and add pictures at some point........

always seeking Heaven
Jolynn