NEARING THE END....HOPEFULLY!!!

so i'm pretty much reprimanded from our children for posting the picture on the previous post, therefore - for our sanity in our home, i've removed said picture (but if you really want to see it, my arm could be twisted to send it to you via email - shhhh, we won't share that with the kids! :))

so the flu bug continues in our home. sunday i came down with it. last night greg got caught with it for real this time and today gracie has fallen. she was TOTALLY bummed due to the fact that we were going to go to the mall with her friend and then onto her friend's house for new year's eve. pretty much a disasterous holiday season. i do have to look on the bright side of things.....

- we didn't lose electricty
- greg had scheduled vacation this week - COULDN'T have done the last two days without him!
-we didn't get any sewer back-up from last weeks melt down like other people in georgetown township (just a little more water in luke's bedroom....and a few days later some more water in the utility room from someone forgetting to shut off the laundry room faucet....we won't name names....he truly was trying to help!)
-we still are getting things crossed off greg's MEGA sized to-do list
-HOPEFULLY we're on the down swing with this bug
-andrew has proven once again (as of this writing) that he has a steel gut!!
-this w/e away with greg still looks promising (pray HHHAAARRRDDD! :) we NEED this w/e away together!!!

so tomorrow night - new year's eve - won't be sooo bad. we'll be together as a family - playing games/watching movies/eating snacks/watching the ball drop.....hopefully NO BUCKETS ALLOWED!!!!!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!! may 2009 be better than the ending of 2008!!! :):)

CHRISTMAS???? BAH HUMBUG!!!

a picture is worth a thousand words....isn't that the saying? (*update - children wailed at seeing themselves like they were...begged me to remove it! :)) well...here is how we are spending our Christmas vacation - with everyone carrying their own buckets around. YUP.....the flu has hit.

first there was abby.....early, early Christmas morning. then there was luke - later on Christmas day. then we had a lull...thought we were in the clear.....washed enough hands, we thought.....were getting a little too confident that we had dodged a major bullet. BOY WERE WE WRONG!!!!! saturday came....everyone feeling fine - that is until around 4pm. this time? caleb... full force - poor kid! then at 7pm - ben succummed. by 8pm - greg is now in bed~!!!!!!

UGH!!!!!!! opened up all the windows. did MAJOR cleaning today. hands are raw....pure raw from washing. kids sick of hearing "when you pass a bathroom, wash your hands 5 times - soap and water!!!" grace is having empathy sickness. "i'm scared i'm gonna get it next mom!" didn't have the heart to say, 'yup, you're probably right!" andrew has always had this uncanny ability to bypass any illnesses and lydia is incredibly cranky. we're just chasing her around with a bucket since she won't be able to give us ANY forewarning. what is "i think i'm gonna get sick, mom?" in spanish?

so christmas here????? BA HUMBUG!!!!!!!!!

ANATOMY OF A SNOW DAY

so the other day was our first official snow day. i was actually hoping for one....i'm ready for Christmas break, ready for a slower pace, no schedule, late nights, and sleeping in. i must have been feeling ill - ME wanting a snow day....WHAT WAS I THINKING???? i thought i'd give you a picture (or two) of what a snow day looks like at our house.

5:15am - awaken by an automated phone call from jps saying there is a snow day. turn off kid's

alarm clocks

6:00am - ben wakes up, needs changing and bottle

6:30am - ben STILL awake, put ben in bed with me so he doesn't wake everyone else up

7:30am - ben sawing logs, mom awake, andrew WIDE awake

8:00am - mom (tired and somewhat cranky...but determined to have a good day) up and

making monkey bread for the kids for breakfast (as ANY GOOD mom would do for

their children on a snow day.....ya right@!!!)

9:00am - everyone up, begging for a "no-chore-pajama-day"

9:30am - let the movie madness begin!!!

11:00am - pretty quiet.....too quiet.....where's lydia???? oh , lydie!!!!

11:02am - gracie cleaning up lydia's mess..

11:03am - lydia experiencing a time out!!

1:00pm - movie madness done...onto baking and playing wii

1:30pm - kids are getting antsy and cranky...TAKE IT OUTSIDE!

3:00pm - grace on the phone with her best friend planning their trip to the mall....CRAZY!!

4:00pm - witching hour has begun....but still doing ok....mom still has her hair

5:00pm - snow just doesn't stop.....

1st snow day done...all in all.....a pretty good day. we'll see what the next few days hold!

"IF YOU COULD FIND A ROCK"

today was a hard one for me for some reason (maybe becuz i'm over tired...so WHY am i awake yet at 11:35pm?????) i was driving around picking up kids and getting to school for caleb's bball game when i kept hearing over and over in my head "honey, he's gone....honey, he's gone....honey, he's gone" oh how i wish i could just lose that memory! i'm sure another one would take it's place. i could tell tears were just under the surface for me all day....and i let them flow from the ride from my sister's house to school.....pulled over and just let it all out. it felt good in a way - not to hold it in....but in another way it just opened my heart scar just a little.

sunday night was our kid's christmas program - absolutely adorable!! when the kids were all sitting in the benches waiting to do their program i looked over at them all and suddenly it struck me....there's one less child in that group. one less seth. i looked over at seth's friend, grayden - who he'd always be by and saw a short little guy with the same color hair and the same height as seth. my heart skipped several beats wondering whether or not God was going to supply another one of His gifts to me.... He did - it was luke. of course it was luke!! he's looking SO MUCH like his older brother! what a gift and what a bittersweet moment.

at the end of the program i noticed something in our mailbox at church. i went to go and get it and didn't have a chance to look at it until we got home. it was a children's book called 'If you find a rock'. it's a beautiful book about stones.....seth stones. (he ALWAYS was looking for stones) i don't know who it was from, but they put his name in the space for "this book belongs to" along with a verse about God being our Rock. what this person didn't know was it is an amazing gift they gave us becuz one of the pictures in this precious book had a boy hanging onto a stone.....they are the EXACT hands that seth had. when i say exact....i mean the same bit off nails, the same grime under them, the same short stubby cute little fingers.....they were seth's hands. i will treasure this book for as long as i live, and when i have another day like today i just may pull this out and look at our little guy's hands and have sweet, sweet memories of our seffers.

JOY

i don't understand....i don't get this grief stuff at times. at one minute i hate that i am constantly counting 8 kids and then remembering 'nope, only 7'...and then wishing for the time i would stop doing that. that is - until it happens. it happened i think for the first time last night. i was doing some Christmas shopping and getting the kids some stocking stuffers...counted out 7 and went on to the next thing at hand. it wasn't until coming home when i realized that i didn't even blink at getting 7 things and not 8....it happened - and i fell apart at the thought of it. did i truly just forget about seth? did i forget that i have one less child to buy for? did i forget the empty whole in my heart? it happened - and i hated myself for it. i don't get it...first i want one thing, thinking that then my heart won't hurt so badly and then when i get it - i don't want it any longer and my pain is still there. i'm so confused!! what AM i suppose to be feeling!?!?! what IS the right thought process?!?!?! am i suppose to live the rest of my life feeling down and counting 8 minus 1? or do i go on and just thinking of ourselves as having 7 children?

i know of a mom who when asked after losing her child 3 years prior 'have you ever experienced joy since your child's death?' and the mom replied with 'no, i haven't'. honestly....that scared me to death! if you know me at all i think i would describe myself as a joyful person - to not be able and experience joy again after losing seth...well, that would be like a totally different person for me. i was scared at that possibility. people would say 'oh, jolynn, you'll experience joy again - it'll just be a bittersweet joy'. well, no offense to that ( i know that they were just trying to be helpful)...but i don't want bittersweet joy....i want the WHOLE package!!! (how selfish is THAT thought!). i think God has taught me something in the past year regarding joy. in my mind - joy is way up here....bittersweet joy is a couple of notches below that. i think God is teaching me that the joy that He has blessed me with is not a bittersweet joy....just a different joy - same level as the previous joy, but just different (does that make ANY sense???) it's like your love of your children - the love is not greater for one than the other, just a different kind becuz they are different kids. i think that God wants me to learn that i do have joy in my life....it just looks different than before seth died.

my devotion this morning was on this very subject - it said "joy sometimes needs pain to give it birth. fanny crosby was a wonderful american hymn writer who lived from 1820-1915 and who wrote more than 2,000 hyms. yet she could never have written the beautiful words 'i shall see Him face to face' if not for the fact that she had never gazed upon green fields, evening sunsets, nor even the twinkle in her mother's eye. it was the loss of her own vision that helped her to gain her remarkable spiritual discernment and insight. It's comforting to know that sorrow stays only for the night and then takes its leave in the morning. and a thunderstorm is very brief when compared to a long summer day. remember, 'weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning' "

joy sometimes needs pain to give it birth....hmmmm. i guess the joy that God has given me now wouldn't have been possible if not for the fact that seth is with Him now and not with us. i didn't think anything good could have come out of losing seth...i MAY just be getting some glimpses of it now. doesn't make the pain go away - i guess i'm just trying to live with this new kind of joy. thank you, Lord...for yet another gift this Christmas.

MAKING MEMORIES

let Christmas begin......

we started putting up the Christmas decorations including the kid's tree upstairs. this tree is one that we put all the kid's ornaments they've made throughout the years. it's a colaboration of paper/paper mache/pictures/and any other adorable ornament they've made in school. this year we let the kids take charge of it...from start to finish (with just a little help along the way..)

so i just wanted to give you a glimpse into the Christmas spirit at our home....

LUKE: that's not the part that goes first

CALEB: get outta my way, i think i know what

i'm doing!

MOM: boys.....

ANDREW: can i have this ornament for my tree?

MOM: yes

LUKE: i'm going to put the branches down now

CALEB: stop it stupid....they don't go down yet until we screw in these screws to tighten

the tree down!

MOM: boys...

ANDREW: can i have this ornament for my tree?

MOM: sure

GRACE: i don't think that works like

that...the cords have to go together in

order for the lights to go on

CALEB: no duh

LUKE: i'm going to put the branches down now

ABBY: look mom, my ornament from kindergarten!

GRACE: can i have this ornament for my tree?

MOM: sure

ANDREW: i made this one in 1st grade

LUKE: no you didn't I made that one

ANDREW: nuh huh...i made it

LUKE: did not

ANDREW: did too

MOM: boys!!!!!!.....

GRACE: my christmas tree is going to look so cool

ABBY: so is mine

CALEB: where's that one tree that light's up on the ends,mom....can i have that one?

MOM: sure

LUKE: but i wanna have one too...which one can i have

MOM: we'll find you one, bud

ANDREW can i have this ornament mom?

MOM: sure

LUKE: look i'm a professional juggler (as we watch him throw 2 ornaments up in the air and

step on a third)

MOM: pick up the broken pieces, luke!

CALEB: (putting about 16 ornaments all in the same area)

GRACE: caleb...you need to separate these ones

CALEB: you do it then!

ABBY: look mom...i found seth's kindergarten ornament!

MOM: yea, look at how little he looks!

ANDREW: can i have this ornament mom

MOM: sure honey (wondering at this point WHERE he's going to put all those ornaments!)

ABBY: i want this rope thing mom (beaded strand)

LUKE: no i want it

GRACE: what are YOU gonna do with it?

MOM: merry christmas, merry, merry christmas from your favorite kmart store!

ABBY: did you just make that up?

MOM: nope, it used to be a commercial when i was growing up

LUKE: that sounds like a really old commercial

MOM: thanks, luke!

CALEB: good goin' butthead

LUKE: yea, like you know what you're talking about

CALEB: more than you

LUKE: well....

MOM: BOYS!!!!

DAD: are you guys just about done so we can get this picture done? ben is getting way cranky

down here!

MOM: just about done!

GRACE: we are no where close to being done, yet dad (said in unison with mom!)

GRACE: i get lydia out of bed when we're done for the picture!

ABBY: no way...i'm gonna!

GRACE: you got her out from her nap!

ABBY: no i didn't that was yesterday!

MOM: girls!!

.....ABOUT 20 MINUTES LATER......


GRACE: we're done mom.......whadya think?

MOM: i think it's just perfect!

ABBY: so do i

LUKE: i think it's the most beautiful tree ever

ANDREW: mom, can i have this ornament for my tree

mom: sure

CALEB: not bad....for our first time!

MOM: you guys did great!

(notice abby hanging onto seth's

kindergarten ornament)

so...this is how we started our Christmas season....i hope that we're just a normal family trying to make memories with our kids. when everything and everyone had calmed down i went up to look at the tree closer and found this....i think purposefully placed...........caleb had hung his kindergarten ornament right next to seth's. took away all the "bad" of the night and just reminded me that we are all still family. through all the arguments, non-encouraging words, and always having the last word....we're all still family - whether here together on earth or apart from us in Heaven.

Merry Christmas everyone.....God's blessings

QUIET TIMES

i shouldn't be awake yet.....it's almost 1 am and here i am.....i hate nights like this. i hate going to bed without greg. he's at the hospital...catching a baby....and i'm here not wanting to go to bed - not wanting my mind to wander to places i don't want them to go. it's these quiet times that i dread the most....times when seth seeps in and my heart hurt comes back - in full swing.

the other day there was the most magnifiscent rainbow that i've seen in a very long time!

we got all the kids to come and see the double rainbow. we were just all looking out the window when one of the kids asked "i wonder if seth can see rainbows in Heaven?" wow....what a great question! it just proves to me that seth isn't just far from my heart....but from his brother and sister's hearts as well. it was good to hear them talk about him.

luke came home the other week with something put up inside his shirt. he came to me right away from the bus and said, "mom, can i talk to you privately?" so we went into our room and he pulls out a broken recorder (o the joys of hearing 4th grade recorder players!). it was in 2 pieces. "wow, bud, looks like ya did a number on your recorder!" "i just dropped it mom" "well, it doesn't look like it would break like that if you just dropped it....let's try the truth this time". to which tears well up in his eyes and fall quickly down his cheeks. "i was playing like it was a light saber and it flew outta my hands and broke" i told him it sounded like an accident and that it was no big deal we'd just get him another one (with of course him paying for it!!:)) i thought that was the end of it, but he just started crying harder...."you don't get it mom.....it was seth's recorder!!!" oh, buddy!! he was thoroughly crushed that he broke his brother's recorder. i tried to make light of the situation and told him that seth probably wouldn't care right now. luke then said that he thought that seth probably had a new one anyway in Heaven and that it probably was "gold plated with diamonds all over it". great imagination, luke!! i said that we could just put it in seth's trunk - that seemed to suffice him......again......seth is always just under the surface.

it's strange.....there was a wonderful Christian man who served on jenison christian's school board with greg. he just passed away yesterday from cancer. all i can think about is his family first, but then strange thoughts of.....i wish i could have told steve to make sure and find seth and tell him how much we love and miss him. greg called it "Heaven's postal service". a few months ago a dear, dear sweet man from our church passed away at a wonderful age of around 93. andy and his wife alyda were in our Bible study for years with us. such an amazing couple they are. i remember the last time i spoke with andy. i told him that i thought that this would be the last i'd see him this side of Heaven. he agreed. i remember leaning up to say good bye to him and whispered in his ear "please give seth a hug from his mom".....my dear friend mustered all the strength he could to cup his huge soft hands around my face and whispered back "it'll be one of the first things i do when i get there".....Heaven's postal service.....so silly. i KNOW that i can just ask God to do those things, but it's just the fact of knowing in person someone that'll be seeing him soon....brings seth a little closer to my heart. boy, do i miss him so........i wish i could just give him a hug myself...............someday.

these quiet times are good and bad......good becuz it's so quiet and i can get alot done, and bad becuz i have too much "mind wandering time" on my hands. dear Lord, give seth a hug for me...and tell him i love him....