Tuesday, June 23, 2009


well....i'm here again....at a time in my life where i am attempting to show our little girl the joys of 'pottyhood'. all i have to say is.....i remember why i didn't like this part of child rearing! summer came - no school - no schedules - time to get down to business - bring it on!

1st few days....NO SWEAT!....she 'just decided' on her own that she was going to do this. WOW! i thought I was GOOD! trained in just 3 days?!?!?! hand over that 'greatest mom on earth' award! (NOT!!!!) then i fell FAR from my throne....and screwed up potty training for the rest of this adventure.

lydie had the peeing part down....dry for hours.....dry for nap time....what a great girl! then it happened....the smallest, hardest, roundest little turd......right in her pants. OK, no problem, no fear...just a little speed bump. take her to the bathroom and clean it up. lydia is on the pot to finish her duty and i take her little 'deposit' from her pants and dump it in the toilet while she was on it. World War III broke out! she went THROUGH THE ROOF! i basically had to PEEL her off the ceiling! it took the next 25 minutes to calm her down. stupid move 'greatest mom' (NOT!!!)

fastforward 1 1/2 weeks....she refuses to go.....ANYTHING! she thinks that if she even has to pee that she will have to poop too! so she holds it.....and holds it....and literally HOLDS it in! usually we find her on the floor.....legs crossed and doing the little 'potty dance'. 'do you have to go potty, honey?' NO!!!!!
ok....i veto that answer every time and put her on the pot. so she still is doing the little 'potty dance' on the pot until she can't hold it any longer and then it comes....the flood of the hoover dam. (truth be told, i am a little concerned about UTI's coming down the road for her!)

as far as her doing number 2? well....how long CAN a 24# little girl NOT poop? it's just downright FUNNY watching her try to 'push that little poop back on in'!! so tonight it's time....i'm just going to MAKE her poop (1st wrong turn!) lydia on the toilet....me on the floor. me turning the light on and off and trying to have her say the words....lydia looking at me like 'WHAT are you trying to do to me here?!?!?'....me doing the 'this little piggy goes to market' rhyme (i'm trying to get her mind off that fact that she's on the toilet and then just let gravity take its course....yea right!)....lydia still doing her little dance and REFUSING to just let it fall!....me going back to my cheerleading years 'push it out! push it out! WAAAYYY out!!!! (ok....i'm getting desperate i KNOW!)...lydia at this point starting to pass the worse gas and yet refusing to let it go. i have nothing else....nothing....i'm outta tricks.....outta ideas.....a little girl miserable...i give...she wins....no forcing NOTHING out tonight....diaper on....child in bed....

i go and check on her in 2 hours and am met at the door with a WALL of aroma coming from her pants....this is the great adventure (NOT!)....tomorrow is a new day. :)

Thursday, June 11, 2009


when i think of our seth.....these are the memories that i have.....

Tuesday, June 9, 2009


i'm asking for prayers....i need help out of this pit i'm in....i can't seem to get out by myself.....i feel like i'm hitting rock bottom with no way out....i need to see Light again.... i'm asking for prayers....i have no energy.....i'm just tired.....always tired.....i just want me back.....

Friday, June 5, 2009


the following is the speech that i gave in our church a few weeks ago. talk about NERVE RACKING!!! God is good....i made it through.....as a result several people want to be involved with Starlight Ministries, the Sunday school next year is going to be raising money towards seth bears (since most of them knew seth), and we received 2 donations!!! all in all....God was glorified and we were very encouraged to keep pressing on....

i have a story....not one i ever wanted.....but one i feel God wants me to tell. This part of my story begins 18 months ago....on a sunday afternoon....when we had to say good-bye to seth for the last time this side of Heaven. for those who don't know....on nov. 4, 2007 our 10 year old son died after he was hit by a car while crossing 44th street. he spent his last few hours with 2 of his brothers and our wonderful babysitter, keri. she had taken the 3 of them to her brother's soccer championship game. after the game they were going back to her car when the boys ran on ahead through the first road on 44th. keri called to him to stay in the median and wait for her. seth continued running through the first lane of the 2nd road and then paused in the middle of the road. after waiting for a split second he took off again....running faster than ever. it was at that point when the car hit him and he died the next day. everyone at the accident saw it that way....greg and i choose to believe it happened another. we believe with every ounce that seth didn't just decide to finish crossing that street. we KNOW that at that point is when he saw his Savior for the first time....face to face....calling him home. what parent could be more proud of a child....than to know that the last act on this earth was one of obedience....for when seth was called Home....he didn't walk......he ran......right into the arms of God.

since that day we have been comforted in so many different ways. many.....MANY..... of those ways were from all of you. the outpouring of love and support from our Ridgewood family was more than we could ever have dreamt. in so many ways we were comforted by you:
......the hundreds of cards,
.....the 6 months worth of meals brought to us,
.....the 2 months of school lunches made for our other kids so that i wouldn't be reminded every day i was making one less,
.....the friends that came alongside us during that week and kept the house going when we were living in a state of shock,
.....the hugs given - when there weren't any words to be said,
.....the pats on our backs or hankies given to us during a service when we were brought to tears once again.
each and every way we were comforted. for that we will be eternally grateful to you. we've said before that God has asked us to walk a very deep and dark valley.....but we were never asked to do it alone....for you all were right beside us comforting us along the way.

the week following seth's death is a blur to me, but there are some very vivid memories that God has gifted to me. one was on the day of seth's funeral, that night greg and i fell into bed and were finally able to talk over what had happened that day. at the end of that conversation i remember saying to greg that i felt as if God was working in my heart for some reaon...that He was stirring something. greg said that he felt the same way. we chucked it up to grief and just tried to press on. the following months we were still feeling that sense of working....a sense of calling. we knew that He was at work becuz it was the same feeling he gave to us just before asking us to adopt....we're NOT adopting again...at least not now! but we knew that He was preparing us for something else.

in the last 6 months, He has made His calling very clear. greg and i have begun the process of starting a non-profit ministry to comfort grieving children who have experienced a death of someone in their lives.
...we want to provide a safe, Christian place for children who are on their own grief road.
...we want to provide a place where they will feel comfortable expressing their grief.
...we want to provide a place where they will be with other children who are also grieving - to know that the feelings they are feeling are 'normal' for their situation.
...we want to provide a place to comfort these children in the same way we were comforted by all of you.

we are calling it starlight ministries....star in memory of our seth - for whenever i told him i love you to the moon he would always reply 'and to the stahs'. and light....for we tell our kids that we don't get why God had them lose their brother....but one day they will be lights to someone else.

part of this ministry includes a partnership with the area funeral homes. we will be supplying them with what we are calling 'seth bears'. our hope is that each child who is beginning their own grief road will be given one of these bears. it's a way to begin that healing by providing just a little comfort in form of a teddy bear. along with the seth bear will be a letter explaining what starlight ministries is about and inviting them to join. this if just one way that we feel God has called us to minister to these hurting and grieving children.

i wanted to tell you my story today for several reasons. the first was to publicly say thank you to all of you for being by our side and helping us to press on in the midst of our grief.

another reason is to let you know how God has been working in our lives in regards to starlight ministries and to invite you to become involved if you feel called. that may be helping jayne in the kitchen, maybe delivering our seth bears, or perhaps becoming a facilitator. we ask for your prayers....we are truly very much out of our comfort zone.....but right in the middle of His hands. the same hands that received our son 18 months ago is leading us still today.

finally i wanted to tell you my story so that i could say on this side of a loss that big.....to God ALONE be all the glory and honor and praise.