Tuesday, November 10, 2009


so...it's a week later...and God has been faithful once again. why do i even question that...His faithfulness? i don't know if i actually question it, or if i'm just surprised when i see/experience it once again. He IS faithful...one of the many, many lessons i've learned more in these past 2 years. He wants to restore my soul in this valley of death...and restore it He has - daily....hourly.....sometimes by each moment.

i can't believe it's been 2 years already....it seems like last month. so many flashbacks....so many painful yet precious memories. family and friends coming together to support greg and i....to bring love around us. so many difficult decisions made...and yet God was everywhere. some have asked us in these last 2 years - where was God? i'm so glad to say - EVERYWHERE! He not only knew what was going to happen that day...but he was living that day with us...crying with us...He was EVERYWHERE.

the 3rd was harder for me...i had forgotten that last year it was the same. i think that the 3rd will probably turn into my deep grieving day - a day of 'what ifs'...a day of 'i wish'....a day of 'i miss'. the 3rd is turning into the day where my heart wound is scratched wide open and the bloody pain flows deeply. it's a day when i relive nov. 3, 2007. i hate flashbacks....i hate those terrible, horrible memories. but it is just one day...one day that i miss our son deeper than any other. i went with my dear, dear friend - charissa - to the cemetary. we sat next to seth's grave for nearly 2 hours...remembering, crying, laughing, wishing...it was such a precious time. it's times like those where you see God's faithfulness once again - this time through a friend.

the 4th, oddly enough...is turning into a celebrating day. i don't mean that to sound wrong, it's just....that's what it felt like - a day of celebrating that our seffers is in Heaven with his Heavenly Father and enjoying his life now. it's a day when i can honestly say brings me joy. to know that our #1 job as parents is met...to know that we had helped our child to Christ...pure joy. i can imagine him so very clearly in Heaven. Heaven is so very real to me now. we started the day by speaking to 700+ students at Unity Christian High School's chapel service. because of how seth died - in the midst of the unity community - we really wanted those students to know that no matter what circumstance God leads you to....He is going to lead you through. i kept hearing God tell me....'tell them to look for me...look for me in their troubles and trials because I am everywhere'....i hope that we were able to convey what God needed them to hear.

from there greg and i went out for breakfast and then visited the cemetary. still is a haunting and yet utterly beautiful place. to know that someday we will be raised from that very spot next to seth is just indescribable....His faithfulness once again. we picked the kids up from school and took them to the cemetary in which we watched them have fun running around and chasing the little ones. 'should we be having this much fun' one asked? 'oh yes, honey....seth is having fun-why shouldn't we?' 'this year is better than last year....last year everyone was so down' that's how i want it for them - to be joyful when thinking about where seth is at right now.

we then went home and had brupper (breakfast at supper) - one of seth's favorite meals - including a whole platter of sausages! the kids even milked it out of us to have coffee since 'seth loved coffee, mom!' after supper we put the little ones to bed and then greg and i and the 5 older kids sat in the living room and opened seth's trunk and went through it. it was one of those times when as a mom you look around the room and you try to memorize it because it is so very special. 'look what seth wrote in his journal!' 'i can't believe that tanner wrote that!' tears...laughter....quiet....smiles....peace. such peace. we went through his entire trunk and then had a ginormous mess to pick up - but it was ok...bring on the mess.

so the week is done...and i hope like 2 years ago....that God was glorified in what we did to remember our little seffers....to God be all the glory....amen and amen.

Sunday, November 1, 2009


how can i do this....how can i do this week with all the reminders? my heart just hurts tonight. my heart misses my boy. i so desperately want to hold him again. i want to land one more kiss on his little head. i just want to hear his voice. oh, how i would give anything to break up a fight between him and caleb or luke right now. tonight in church we watched steven curtis chapman's video of 'when love takes you in'....it hurt....it hurt to watch and to listen to the words.....'when love calls you home'...seth was called too early...too young....i didn't have enough time with him Lord...i wanted more time.....i just wanted more time. i know that he's experiencing more love than i could have ever have given him....but i wanted to try...i love him so much....it's probably why it hurts so much.

i was singing to ben before putting him to bed. i was doing fine....until i started singing 'Jesus loves me'...oh did the memories come flooding back. this time me singing to a boy in a bed....with tubes coming out his nose...and him not singing back. tonight ben started singing with me....oh how i wish that seth would have just sat up in that bed and started singing with me...all i have now is the memory of me singing to myself...to a child who was already gone. oh how i ache for the day to be with him and hearing him sing back to me....come back Lord....please come soon....heal my broken heart.....but until then as i always say at the end of every one of my prayers now 'give seth a hug for us and tell him we love him'....until we can tell him ourselves again someday.