today was a hard one for me for some reason (maybe becuz i'm over tired...so WHY am i awake yet at 11:35pm?????) i was driving around picking up kids and getting to school for caleb's bball game when i kept hearing over and over in my head "honey, he's gone....honey, he's gone....honey, he's gone" oh how i wish i could just lose that memory! i'm sure another one would take it's place. i could tell tears were just under the surface for me all day....and i let them flow from the ride from my sister's house to school.....pulled over and just let it all out. it felt good in a way - not to hold it in....but in another way it just opened my heart scar just a little.
sunday night was our kid's christmas program - absolutely adorable!! when the kids were all sitting in the benches waiting to do their program i looked over at them all and suddenly it struck me....there's one less child in that group. one less seth. i looked over at seth's friend, grayden - who he'd always be by and saw a short little guy with the same color hair and the same height as seth. my heart skipped several beats wondering whether or not God was going to supply another one of His gifts to me.... He did - it was luke. of course it was luke!! he's looking SO MUCH like his older brother! what a gift and what a bittersweet moment.
at the end of the program i noticed something in our mailbox at church. i went to go and get it and didn't have a chance to look at it until we got home. it was a children's book called 'If you find a rock'. it's a beautiful book about stones.....seth stones. (he ALWAYS was looking for stones) i don't know who it was from, but they put his name in the space for "this book belongs to" along with a verse about God being our Rock. what this person didn't know was it is an amazing gift they gave us becuz one of the pictures in this precious book had a boy hanging onto a stone.....they are the EXACT hands that seth had. when i say exact....i mean the same bit off nails, the same grime under them, the same short stubby cute little fingers.....they were seth's hands. i will treasure this book for as long as i live, and when i have another day like today i just may pull this out and look at our little guy's hands and have sweet, sweet memories of our seffers.