how can i do this....how can i do this week with all the reminders? my heart just hurts tonight. my heart misses my boy. i so desperately want to hold him again. i want to land one more kiss on his little head. i just want to hear his voice. oh, how i would give anything to break up a fight between him and caleb or luke right now. tonight in church we watched steven curtis chapman's video of 'when love takes you in'....it hurt....it hurt to watch and to listen to the words.....'when love calls you home'...seth was called too early...too young....i didn't have enough time with him Lord...i wanted more time.....i just wanted more time. i know that he's experiencing more love than i could have ever have given him....but i wanted to try...i love him so much....it's probably why it hurts so much.
i was singing to ben before putting him to bed. i was doing fine....until i started singing 'Jesus loves me'...oh did the memories come flooding back. this time me singing to a boy in a bed....with tubes coming out his nose...and him not singing back. tonight ben started singing with me....oh how i wish that seth would have just sat up in that bed and started singing with me...all i have now is the memory of me singing to myself...to a child who was already gone. oh how i ache for the day to be with him and hearing him sing back to me....come back Lord....please come soon....heal my broken heart.....but until then as i always say at the end of every one of my prayers now 'give seth a hug for us and tell him we love him'....until we can tell him ourselves again someday.