Tuesday, September 2, 2008


for those of you who know me well you know that....... i LOVE the first day of school. i love everything about it - the kid's excitement (masked by them complaining about having to go), getting their backpacks packed, getting them breakfast, watching them wait anxiously for the bus, taking their pictures, and always my happy dance. i'll never forget last year when grace asked me "mom, could you just wait to do your happy dance until we're gone?" today i just don't have it in me. today there's just this overwhelming sadness that i just can't seem to shake. today i miss our seffers. my heart is just hurting and my heart wound feels as if it's broke full open and bleeding again.

i always get the kids on the bus and then hop into the van and meet them at school to take pictures of them with their friends. i can't seem to get myself to go today. i can't see seth's friends all together without him there shooting hoops until the first bell. i can't seem to make myself put on a happy face in front of the other moms/dads. i know that God has planned lydia coming home right now so that in part it wouldn't be so hard today. i just can't seem to be excited about lydia with everyone when on the inside i'm just wanting to cry out "don't you know that my heart is breaking here? don't you see that seth isn't here?" i'm sure (without a doubt) that people would remember, but i just can't put myself in a place where there's a chance that they won't. i just need to hide today - in a way honor seth. i just need him to know how much i miss him today. oh how i would have loved to take his picture this morning, instead i'll stay home and look at his last year's picture of his 1st day of school.

i miss his cute little smile. i miss his way of acting like he doesn't want a kiss from his mom but enjoying it immensly when i do get in there and give him a big slobbery one. i miss his hugs. i would give anything to break up a fight between him and luke or andrew at the bus stop. i miss him showing me his new tricks that involve basketball. i remember him showing me just weeks before he died how he was finally able to dribble through his legs - he was SO proud of that accomplishment (as was i). i miss his mischieveousness. you always knew when he was up to something no good! i know that he wasn't an angel - not by far, but he still was our special little guy. (he'd HATE being called little!) i just miss our seffers today.

but, God has given us so many gifts since He decided to take seth Home. so many gifts that it's just mind boggling. bringing us lydia at this time....in this way.....it's not lost on us - God is still so much alive in our lives. having ben and watching him grow the way he is - and the absolute joy he has brought to all of us. giving us the other kids to watch and grow and raise. God is still good - all the time. and to know that He still loves me even when i focus on what i don't have anymore is so comforting. i can just picture Him here with me ...... crying right along with me....letting me be sad......waiting for me to crawl on His lap and wrap His arms around me. we have such a loving Father. He knows exactly this pain of losing a child.

so, even during this day of overwhelming sadness.....i have hope. wow. that ALONE is a gift. that ALONE is from God. never, never would i believed i could claim that promise after these last 10 months. praise God that He has allowed us to be able to do that. yes, my heart wound is bleeding......yes, my heart is heavy...... but i will NOT let that allow me to reject the love that our Father wants to lavish on us. He will once again heal my heart. I know He will, He's promised.... but for now - today - i just want our seth back.
1st day of school......kids got up (yes - ALL of them excited this year!!), backpacks were packed, breakfast was eaten, circle prayers said, bus stop waiting - finished, pictures taken........
happy dance?..... maybe next year.


Kristin said...

My heart hurts for you! Praying that God fills your with not only HOPE today, but also his amazing peace.

Jen said...

I have heard these words before... But, there is something about your strength and conviction about seeing ALL of God's blessings and grace that reminds us all that we are forever in God's hands. Don't lose this, Jolynn. You will HAVE your happy dance again-- He promises!
Love and praying for you! Jen

Mami Sue said...

oh Jolynn, I am thinking of you today. I can't imagine how hard
it is. But you're right, there is hoope in the Lord and He will give you the grace you need to get through the hard days.
Prayers for you today!

selders said...

I know what you mean honey! You have such an awesome faith and your strength in God is so great, it will get you through this 'sad' moment. God will let you feel this moment and then he will give you some happy ones today as well.
Love and prayers always,