Wednesday, October 7, 2009

THINGS THAT SURPRISE ME

i feel it coming again....and it surprises me. that heaviness is creeping back onto my heart and that makes me so scared. last spring it was unbearable....i can't go back to that spot. i hate what seth's death has taken from me. from the obvious to those that i'm just learning about. i've always said that fall is my favorite time of year. i loved it.....the colder weather, the leaves changing, cozy feeling inside the house, football games....everything about fall - i loved. it's not that i HATE this time of year, it's just that instead of all good things that i can see fall brings....it brings equal parts bad. i see death. trees dying.....leaves falling......dead trees.....brown corn. i see a cemetary with brilliant colored trees and a family surrounding a grave. i see heartbroken children and family. i see pain. i FEEL pain. i hate what seth's death has taken from me.... a part of my life where i found such joy. this sounds so depressing. some days aren't so bad.....today isn't one of them.

i'm having so many flashbacks lately. i can tell his Heaven birthday is coming up.....and these feelings surprise me. i expected it last year....this year it's back. i didn't expect it to come back. why is that? it's not as if anything has changed in a sense.....seth is still gone, i'm still here with a huge hole in my heart. but then i think....there are MANY things that have changed. so much hope this year where i didn't feel last year. purpose again....that feels good.....to feel like i have purpose again. God has been working so greatly in our lives in this past year. how can i feel this way when He has been with me the entire way? it sounds like i'm being ungrateful....i hate that. sometimes i feel like a little kid who didn't get what they wanted for christmas and then sulks about it for days. what is up with that? i wish my faith were stronger so i wouldn't feel/sound so ungrateful. i guess i'm just a work in progress.

days like today.....i need to see the beauty in God's creation and see it as His faithfulness instead of seeing what i DON'T have. seth is SO much better off right now. i need to see the temporary separation for what it is......temporary. we will see him again. God is good....i can say that with complete confidence....even through this sorrow....He is good. He's proven that so many times in this past year. i need to cling onto that....to hold onto that....to realize that the same arms that are carrying me through today are the same ones that are carrying our boy.

1 comment:

seeking him... said...

I too have a love-hate relationship with fall. All the things you wrote about with seeing the death in fall I just wrote about Monday for my 'Thankful Thursday' post. God must have our hearts intune :)
Know that I love you and I love hearing/reading what you are feeling and thinking. Keep sharing them with me... because they help me understand a little bit more, they give me better sight. And I want that so I can be here on the sidelines of this race that God has you in, cheering you on, handing you a cup of water, just being there so you can know I am here & you are never alone.
Lifting you up in prayer this moment. Loving you always!
(p.s. Love the new background :)