GRIEF GLIMPSES

little grief glimpses....that's the word that fits best i think. those little things that take you off guard and send you swirling through another little wake of a wave. i get them all the time. sometimes i wonder whether this is what paul in the Bible felt like when reminded of his 'thorn'.

the silliest of things, the smallest of things, the strangest of things bring glimpses back to me of my grief. let me give you some examples...

-seeing a girl that used to be in seth's class at jenison christian who since has moved to the
school that lydia goes to. she was a girl that seth played basketball with quite alot in 3rd grade.
went back to the van and just cried.
-one of seth's hats that luke has started wearing...that coupled with the fact that he is also grown into the coat that seth used to wear. seeing him get on the bus in the mornings....for a few split seconds taking a second look.
-passing by the wall of champions at school and not seeing seth's picture or his little signature in his handwriting. (the wall is a place where kids are congratulated for accomplishing a goal in reading)
-having his pillow fall down from the top shelf in ben's room and smelling his sweet smell yet. i don't think i'll ever be able to wash it.
-seeing the kids in the culdesac behind us come out of 'winter's hibernation' and playing basketball and other games together....and not seeing seth with them.
-going for a walk with greg and seeing some kids skateboarding on a ramp and thinking of seth's ramp still in our garage.
-seeing grace's terrified face at a birthday party where the kids brought some basketballs with them to play in the gym. when we were ready to go grace came running up to me saying that the money ball was missing. "money ball? what's a money ball?" she told me that seth would always call his bball his money ball. went to go look for it with her and found caleb and luke FRANTICALLY trying to get into a room where they thought the ball was. they were trying to get into this room and the door was stuck a little...they were about to pull off the doors themselves just to get seth's ball back. (it's the same ball that seth is holding onto in the picture on the right)
-going through clothes for a 2nd hand sale this w/e at school and coming upon one of seth's shirts....and then putting into the ben pile for later. i think that maybe that may connect ben with his brother a little bit someday in the future.....maybe.
-talking about our trip out west and thinking how annoying seth could be looking for different liscence plates.... and now just wishing with everything that he would be with us to find some more.
-hearing the song by chris rice 'untitled hymn'. the kids would lip sync that to me when i was having a hard day. NOTHING could make me happier than to see all 6 of them in a line from tallest to shortes singing that song to me....and seth always singing at least 3 beats behind and 4 keys off chord. whenever i hear that song now....i always sing it way off key and way behind...closing my eyes and just seeing him stand before me not having a clue how bad he sounded and yet how beautiful.

so many little things....so many big things.....so much grief yet. but it's different now. instead of jars and jars of tears each time...there are just sweet smiles of memories. somedays there are jars yet....but at least....now....some smiles through those tears. thank you, Lord....for the grace to get me through these last 17 months. thank you for my smiles....and for my tears.