it happened.....for the first time since seth's death - it happened. i called one of the kids seth. greg and i were praying with caleb before he left on friday morning for a week long mission trip with some families from our church and i let it slip. i had been dreading this goodbye and was remembering the last time i said goodbye to one of our sons - that goodbye was for the long run. i couldn't stop picturing in my head caleb and seth playing together on the shores of the crystal sea in heaven. it scared me. so when we were praying..it happened. i called caleb seth. after the prayer caleb was just blindly staring at me, not knowing really what to say. i acted like it didn't happen....stupid.
i dropped caleb off at the church and watched them leave in 4 vans. i watched caleb leave and i cried. i prayed. i cried some more.....and i haven't stopped praying since. he's called me several times and other than one call last night saying that his stomach hurt (probably from not eating the best and not sleeping so well the night before b/o the monster he drank at 8:30pm!!! i guess he'll learn the hard way) he's been doing fine. i pray that he has an amazing time serving others, but more - i pray that it will be a time for him to experience a spiritual high (maybe i'm expecting too much of a 14 year old?!?!) i so want for him to have the desire to spend time with God....i hope this week brings it about.
it's just been a hard few days. seth has been on my mind so much more lately - i have no idea why. i miss him. i would give anything to break up an argument between him and luke. i miss his smile, his voice, his laugh. and then i remember that my time here on earth is so very short compared to eternity. i look at it like i look back on my adolescence. when i was in middle/high school it seemed like i'd NEVER grow up and be on my own. it seemed to take forever! now.....(i won't tell you how many years later), but i look back and realize how extremely fast it all went. i expect it will be like that when i get to heaven. i can't wait for that day. i dream about that day - when i see my Savior face to face....when i see seth face to face. i want that day........yesterday.