the heaviness has really taken me by surprise. i can't explain it except.....heaviness. it feels as if a huge weight is on top of me pushing down and making my heart just hurt. it just feels heavy - grief does. i don't know if that makes any sense, but it's the only word that describes my mood lately. the pain of losing seth is so overwhelming at times....it's just heavy. i was telling a friend that i see myself on one mountain and i need to get to another one, but the chasm that i have to go through to get there is just too great.....the pain to much.....the energy in order to get there - i just don't have. i can so relate to David when he cried out to God "how long o Lord, how long?" it feels as if it's been forever.
i just wish nov 4 would come and go. be done with it. get it behind us. i'm hoping that this is the hard part and that the actual day isn't as bad as what i'm imagining....at least that's what people have said....that's what i'm hoping and praying for.
God has blessed me so much with greg. he's such an amazing husband...puts up with me when i can't put up with myself. he just sits and holds me and lets me cry....i am so very blessed. i just hope that i am there for him.