it's quiet today. that's good and bad. i have such a migraine that just doesn't seem to let up. had a dentist appointment today and i feel horrible for the tech - she was telling me everything that was wrong with my teeth (God bless her...) and i just felt my eyes just welling up. she could tell i wasn't handling it well and she said she felt bad "i didn't want to overwhelm you" she didn't - it's just the day. she told me "it's time for mom..." it just struck me...."it's time for mom...."
i left the appointment and fell apart in the van. these last 11 months greg and i HAVE been focusing on making sure the kids are ok, taking care of ben, bringing lydia home. we have said many times that the time we were dreading the most was after lydia was home and things settled down a little bit.....it felt as if it would be THEN that we'd have to really deal with seth's death. we have 2 different pictures of our family on the fridge. one taken this time last year and one taken after lydia was home. i look at those 2 pictures and am amazed at how TERRIBLY different they are. last years picture.....6 kids - older, active kids. this year's picture....7 kids - young, old....and one gapping whole missing one of our children. so much change. so many blessings. so much pain. so much joy. how can a family experience such polar opposites at the same time? how can i look at the kids and be filled with such joy and yet have a such an empty pit in my heart at the same time?
what does my grief look like? it's like that commercial for depression...."where does depression hurt?......all over" what does my grief look like? right now it's working in circles and not getting a spitting thing accomplished. it's not being able to finish the laundry in the usual 2 days....it stretches to 4 and 5 days. it's not feeling like cleaning my house and being bugged that it's so dirty (dirty is relative here, people - i don't want you to have an image of a cyclone hitting our house....i'm a slightly obsessive/compulsive cleaner...so dirty is quite relative :)) it's starting one thing and being completely distracted and starting to do 5 other things. it's having a heavy heart. it's not having any ambition. it's laughing at something one minute and then crying the next. it's looking at our kids and being so very thankful for those we have here. it's not wanting to change the kid's school pictures on the wall - knowing that one of them will stay the same. it's changing the kid's clothes over and seeing all the clothes that seth used to wear. it's having a hope and a promise that we'll all see our seffers again. it's being carried by my Heavenly Father so tenderly that at times i can almost feel His breath on my cheek. it's hearing Him say that we're not alone. it's being loved even though we don't feel like loving. what does my grief look like? a happy/sad. happy that seth is more loved than he has EVER been in his entire life and yet sad that i can't see him experience it.
i can tell that we're coming close to the year anniversary when seth went Home. i can tell that we've tried our best in taking care of the kids and their grief. i can tell that it just may be.....time for mom.
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3 comments:
Jolynn: Thanks for sharing your heart yet again! I was wondering if you ever tried GriefShare? I am attending on Monday nights at Fair Haven. They say you can jump in at any point...email me if you have questions, I just thought that it might be something helpful to you as you walk this new stretch on your grief journey.
I wish I knew how to give you "mom time". Ya know... you have told your kids that they can feel down at any time, they do not have to be brave for you. You have told your kids to have their happy days, they deserve them and no guilt should come. I think it is time for you, Jolynn, to let loose. No one wants you to keep what you have inside of you to the point where it hurts you-- you do not have to be brave. Those who have never experienced your grief cannot quite grasp that each day is a struggle between happiness and wanting to curl up and cry/ scream. (By the way, a good "war whoop" does help... at least for me :)
Our lives are not normal here on earth, but your "normal" is coming. Life for you as long as I have known you (and I wish some days that I would have known you even longer) has always been abnormal, never like what was "planned", but your "normal" is coming. The "new abnormal" bites in more ways than anyone knows... your "normal" is coming. The days may seem like a thousand years but you and Seth are always in the Master's sight.
You are ALWAYS in my prayers. I LOVE ya and any time I can help with "MOM TIME"-- find me!!
Hi Guys,
Aubrey just told me about your site! I think of you OFTEN!! And pray for you and your family just as often! I just want you to know that you are great people and you have touched so many lives!! Seth was so blessed to have parents as loving as you!! May God be extra close to you now and always!!
All my love
April Strick
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