it's quiet today. that's good and bad. i have such a migraine that just doesn't seem to let up. had a dentist appointment today and i feel horrible for the tech - she was telling me everything that was wrong with my teeth (God bless her...) and i just felt my eyes just welling up. she could tell i wasn't handling it well and she said she felt bad "i didn't want to overwhelm you" she didn't - it's just the day. she told me "it's time for mom..." it just struck me...."it's time for mom...."
i left the appointment and fell apart in the van. these last 11 months greg and i HAVE been focusing on making sure the kids are ok, taking care of ben, bringing lydia home. we have said many times that the time we were dreading the most was after lydia was home and things settled down a little bit.....it felt as if it would be THEN that we'd have to really deal with seth's death. we have 2 different pictures of our family on the fridge. one taken this time last year and one taken after lydia was home. i look at those 2 pictures and am amazed at how TERRIBLY different they are. last years picture.....6 kids - older, active kids. this year's picture....7 kids - young, old....and one gapping whole missing one of our children. so much change. so many blessings. so much pain. so much joy. how can a family experience such polar opposites at the same time? how can i look at the kids and be filled with such joy and yet have a such an empty pit in my heart at the same time?
what does my grief look like? it's like that commercial for depression...."where does depression hurt?......all over" what does my grief look like? right now it's working in circles and not getting a spitting thing accomplished. it's not being able to finish the laundry in the usual 2 days....it stretches to 4 and 5 days. it's not feeling like cleaning my house and being bugged that it's so dirty (dirty is relative here, people - i don't want you to have an image of a cyclone hitting our house....i'm a slightly obsessive/compulsive cleaner...so dirty is quite relative :)) it's starting one thing and being completely distracted and starting to do 5 other things. it's having a heavy heart. it's not having any ambition. it's laughing at something one minute and then crying the next. it's looking at our kids and being so very thankful for those we have here. it's not wanting to change the kid's school pictures on the wall - knowing that one of them will stay the same. it's changing the kid's clothes over and seeing all the clothes that seth used to wear. it's having a hope and a promise that we'll all see our seffers again. it's being carried by my Heavenly Father so tenderly that at times i can almost feel His breath on my cheek. it's hearing Him say that we're not alone. it's being loved even though we don't feel like loving. what does my grief look like? a happy/sad. happy that seth is more loved than he has EVER been in his entire life and yet sad that i can't see him experience it.
i can tell that we're coming close to the year anniversary when seth went Home. i can tell that we've tried our best in taking care of the kids and their grief. i can tell that it just may be.....time for mom.