Friday, October 3, 2008


it's been a rough week. i've been following the carepages of a calvin christian sophmore who has been in critical condition all week and who passed away on thursday am. for some reason greg and i have been playing the "where/what were we doing this time last year" game. 11 months tomorrow. 11 months when our nightmare began. 11 months of broken hearts. 11 months of crying for no good reason at times. 11 months of screaming out to God "i want him back". 11 months of just aching to hold our son just one more time.

watching the gortsema family go through this week of hell, has just brought back our week from hell - all too clearly for me. my heart aches for them having to make those same grueling decisions we had to make....picking out a coffin, picking out flowers, picking out a cemetary plot, writing an obituary for seth - all so very, very wrong. wanting to be strong for the kids and yet feeling like you're completely losing it inside your own mind. my heart just aches for the gortsema family. my "heart hurt" is just stronger than usual.
the kids went to grief camp (camp compass) last saturday. they seemed to have enjoyed it. we pray that it was the right thing for them to do. that's just what started this hard week. just am thinking and missing seth more this week. the day that travis died was such a cold and rainy day and it was just a horrible day for me. i was devasted all over again. but God's timing was impecable once again. after this hard day for me, greg came home with this cute little apple basket filled with trick or treat goodies. the card (from one of greg's co-workers) read something like "wanted you to have a smile on your face again. the witch ( a darling little figurine for halloween) is for jolynn - thought it'd make her smile (which it did, mary - thank you!!). the 3 little spider rings are for the girls (thankfully not a rubber ducky!!) there were 7 flashlights on the side for the kids. but my most favorite part was the 300(!!!!!) glow in the dark necklaces. the card said that we may hand these out to any trick-or-treater so that the entire neighborhood could shine for seth. what an extremely thoughtful and caring gesture for her to remember us in this way. thank you mary!!!

then this morning...andrew needed a coat and had found one "look it mom!! it's seth's old coat and it fits me perfectly!!" all i could see was seth wearing it. i could just close my eyes and see him complaining about wearing it again "it gets in my way when i'm playing bball mum!!!!" oh how much would i give in order to hear thosee words again!! i had slumped back into the kitchen when abby came back in holding a note from a fellow JCS mom.

timing....His timing is just absolutely perfect.

He's still watching out for us. He's still right close by. He's sill wanting to cover us with His love....what an amazing God we serve!!!


Mami Sue said...

Jolynn, what a strong woman you are. I cannot imagine your heart-ache, I really can't but admire your courage and strength and I know that only comes from our amazing God. Saying some prayers for you this week!

Kristin said...

Jolynn: feel free to use my idea...I got it from someone else. Shutterfly has an ABC book already laid out. It made it easier to do because then I could focus on the memories and not worry about the book itself. You may be able to find a discount for it at I think I found one for free shipping.