these last 2 1/2 days were NOT the way i thought they would be. i got sick. been sick. sick of being sick. i got strep throat and have been down for 2 1/2 days. boy, it knocked me down hard - in bed with fever/chills/migraine/and a throat that felt like cotton. with all that down time...and 1/2 of it tired of laying down - it gave me WAY too much time to think. it's been a rough few days.
i'm just laying there these last 2 days and all i could do is replay pictures in my mind from the hospital (seth laying in that bed looking HORRIBLY tiny, him not opening his eyes no matter how hard i was wishing it to happen, kissing his sweet dirty grimy little hands, smelling his sweet smell, having people coming and going, trying to lay down for some rest and my brother craig sneaking in next to me in the recliner...him snoring, me just laying and thinking :), the doctors coming and telling us time after time that there was no hope, singing to seth, watching everyone say goodbye, and then the final time i had to kiss him goodbye...horrible, horrible memories) i wish i could lose those pictures in my head. then it would shift to now and me just crying my eyes out becuz lydia and ben don't even know him. i long for a time when i would have been able to watch him with them....playing with lydia, wrestling with ben. that's a BIG heartache for me. there are times when my mind goes there that my chest literally hurts from my heart breaking all again. those were my last 2 days.
to be totally honest, part of my heartbreak in all of this since seth died is that my devotional time with God has truly tanked. i don't have the ambition/desire/time (although that's just an excuse). i feel horribly, horribly guilty about it. and at the same time i don't DO anything about it. i did get up this morning and do devotions though,and this is what i read...."turn to me and be gracious to me, for i am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish" Psalm 25:16-17. then in the devotional it said this: "remember, God's classroom is in session all day, every day of the year. and if we skip class, God comes looking for us. it's all part of his grace." WOW! He comes after ME! blew me away this morning. all i kept thinking is that i need to look beyond these waves of grief ..... not beneath or between them - just beyond them. not to NOT go through the waves, but just to keep my eyes beyond them and focused on HIM becuz He is truly THE ONLY way to get through these waves, not with time or by myself - only if He carries me through them. (i always HATED water!!) it was a time that God gave me this morning that has gotten me through today.
so today....it's ben's bday and i can honestly say that i have had a great day celebrating it with him so far. (his first ride on the penny pony at meijers - oh i wish you could have seen his face and heard his giggles!!!!) happy birthday ben-ben....you have been SUCH a blessing to me.
Lesson of the day: keep my eyes focused on my Father and He will carry me through every hill and every valley. wonderful reminder!